Rob profile picture

Rob

Cogito ergo sum. E pluribus unum. Carpe Diem. Chaka Khan, chaka khan, cha cha chaka khan.

About Me

I'm a gaytard with a twisted sense of humor. I eat all the time. And I swear. I don't "party." I have two extraordinarily butch chihuahuas. I have a theory that feminine guys make bad fisting tops because they can't keep their pinkies down.I believe life's all about taking risks, from jumping out of an airplane to letting yourself fall in love. Sure you can get hurt, but who wants to live life in a hamster ball? I know I know--depends on how hot the hamster is.Very tongue-in-cheek--question is, whose cheeks?I have a new nickname for "straight-acting" closeted guys who post their pictures on websites or in gay bars looking for sex or dates with other men: a total SARA. Straight-and-retarded-acting. Works best if sung a la "Sara" by Starship.Fantasy death sequence: To be skydiving off the coast of south africa, parachute opens, and I glide peacefully to skim the surface of the water, at which point a great white shark breaches and tears my body in twain.Nightmare death sequence: To be gang-raped by circus midgets. "Wait," you might ask, "how is that a nightmare death? I mean, you're just being gang-raped." To which I reply, "oh, yes, but by circus midgets. Wouldn't you just die of embarrassment?"I'm very spiritual:

My Interests

Unavailable men. Rockin out with guitar lessons (I'm going to be the next Kurt Cobain--without the shotgun wound). Pubes.

I'd like to meet:

Mcspazzatrons. Guys who don't take themselves too seriously. Guys who can laugh during sex, as long as it's not at my genitals. Toward them, maybe, but not at them. I won't believe you're straight-acting unless I see your face buried in a vagina.

Music:

The swoosh-swoosh noise of a fat person wearing corduroys. Or that tiny squeaky noise you get rubbing two pickles together. And who can forget Stewie Griffin's portrayal of Christy Brown in the musical rendition of "My Left Foot"? ..

Movies:

A Mighty Wind. Waiting for Guffman. Best in Show. Exorcist (haven't been able to masturbate with a crucifix since). Jesus is Magic: If God gives you AIDS (and by the way God does give you AIDS)--make lemon-AIDS! And Step Up was awesome. The commercials say it defines a generation, but doesn't mention which one, so I'm claiming it for mine.Quote to end all quotes: "Because I'm driving you crazy and you're driving me crazy and I'd rather not see you and have you think good things about me than have you see me and hate me. 'Cause I can't afford to have you hate me Keith. The only things I care about in this goddamn life are me and my drums and you."

Television:

Family Guy. South Park. Family Guy. Simpsons. Family Guy.

Books:

Any sort of memoir, because I'd rather shell out 20 bucks to see how someone else has lived his or her life rather than live my own. And, it's not a book, but I love when the Wall Street Journal includes unexpected pieces of gold such as this: "To many people, the meat of uncastrated male pigs has an objectional taste known in the pig trade as 'boar taint.'"