"there's nothing new under the sun" ............................................................
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..... i always joke about what would happen if you raised a child on a deserted island from birth and, without ever having heard any music made by humans, watched to see what kind of music she'd make. kind of a truman showesque type thing.but, for real, that would be a mean thing to do to a kid all for the sake of musical experimentation...
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anyway, i always wrote songs. i wrote serious songs and silly songs when i was little. my family still teases me about a couple of them. but, i really started writing a ton when my son was born in '95. that's when the spiritual ball really got to rolling. and almost 4 years after his birth, God used my son to bring me back to Himself. he was still 3 when he'd say things like, "mommy, please read me that book" (the Bible), and "mommy, take me to church", and "mommy, pray to Jesus".
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well, the day i really did open "that book", i opened right up to hosea 2. i read:"Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.
There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor (trouble) a door of hope.
There she will sing (respond) as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
"In that day," declares the LORD,
"you will call me 'my husband';
you will no longer call me 'my master. (baal)'..."(Hosea 2:14-16)here is the same passage in the Amplified Bible
"Therefore, behold, I will allure her [Israel]
and bring her into the wilderness,
and I will speak tenderly and to her heart.
There I will give her her vineyards
and make the Valley of Achor [troubling] to be for her
a door of hope and expectation.
And she shall sing there and respond as in the days of her youth
and as at the time when she came up out of the land of Egypt.
"And it shall be in that day," says the Lord,
"that you will call Me 'Ishi [my Husband]',
and you shall no more call Me 'Baali [my Baal]'."
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i felt like i was reading about my life. i felt like it was written about me, for me... by God. He was bringing me to Him. i really gave my life to Jesus a few days before my son turned 4. i had ruined my life and thrown away everything God had given me. my life was a pile of ashes.
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here's a good descriptive picture of what happened from an "enter the worship circle" song:"i was a hungry child, a dried up river. i was a burned down forrest
and no one could do anything for me...
but You put food in my body, water in my dry bed,
and to my blackened branches You brought the springtime green of new life, and nothing is impossible for you.
You have redeemed my soul from the pit of emptiness,
You have redeemed my soul from death."
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that's what He did for me.
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what can i say? what can i sing? i 'm just blown away. it's been 6&1/2 years and i'm still blown away. i love Him so much.
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this doesn't mean i think i'm really good
and people that don't know Him yet are really bad.
i'm still struggling with letting go of the bad in my life.
people that know me at all know that
i still run in fear from people and things that intimidate me... and... bills!
they know that i still snap at my son
or expect way too much of him when i'm not the best example myself...
they know that i walk around with a broom & dust pan
cleaning up messes that i make with my careless and prideful words every day! i want to become more and more like Jesus.
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there's a great desciption of Who He is in 1 Corinthians 13.
you don't have to look it up... here it is:
"Love is patient,
love is kind.
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always perseveres.
Love never fails..."
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that's where my name came from. (another version says "charity" instead of "love") and i still don't have that memorized! i'm almost 28!
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but He died for me while i was a mess and he forgave me while i was a mess and He still loves me while i am a mess.
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see, He knows my heart. and i see all my faults and they look so big to me, like huge mountains! but He sees me as perfect, spotless because Jesus' blood washed me clean when He forgave me. what matters is how God sees me.
and he says "you are my dove. you are perfect in every way"
His love for me never changes! it's my conscience that keeps me away! when i feel like i deserve punishment for my stupid behavior, i run from Jesus like adam in the garden!
but things have changed since those days.
it's A.D. ya'll.
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......when i do bring my heart to Him, alot of times, this is what i'll say:
"Jesus, please, let me know how you see me, what you think of me. i haven't done anything lately to make you proud. i think you should just be mad at me.
but please let me know again that you love me, and you want me."
and i pray that, not because it softens God's heart toward me, not because it changes His mind about me, not to gain sympathy from Him, but i pray that because i am just a girl. i am clay. i forget so easily who He is. He even told me
"i've always been there, and i'll always be there and i love you..."
but i need help from Him! just to believe that it's always true!
a "kick in the pants" if you will.
and He always answers me.
He's answering me now as i write this. (today is one of those days.)
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here are some more lyrics from worship circle that tell about this situation:
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"when You found me hiding out, i thought You would take a hammer to my brow, but You pushed away the crowd and cried and pressed Your lips against my head."
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so..."how does this help charity become more like Jesus?" you might ask.
"she's a jerk and God loves her for it?"
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more lyrics-"tell me i'm a fool. tell me that you love me for the fool i am comfort me like only you can..." (j. valasquez)
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his kindness leads me to repentance. it breaks my heart in a good way and i just want (more than anything wrong that i've been holding onto) to be a child in His arms and rest in His unfailing love for me.
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i hope you know how good He is and how great His love for you is.
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