Arockalypse Now

These four horsemen of the arockalypse have rode forth from the fields of rocks battle victorious.
But the war is not over.
Pop still holds power and as long as it exists their destiny lays on the stage of rock rebellion.
The band...

Guitar God and lead head shaker John or 'Flash bstad' as his loved ones call him has been knocking the living daylights out of planet rock since he could crawl.
Musical influences as diverse as Rush', the 'Tallica', 'Satch' and 'Tiffany' have sculpted the eclectic virtuoso that 'Guitar Winker' magazine dubbed 'Absolutely Unbelievable!' and have allowed him to study new methods of guitar technique: 'Well I'm figuring out how to play using just my soul...' he told guitar nerd weekly '... it's actually going really well - some of the sonorous pauses in between my playing are like - REALLY powerful!'.
John is a staunch defender of the guitar solo - an art form sadly lacking in much of today's music by numbers ethos.
When challenged by 'New Musical Expresso' that his solo's were 'inappropriate and unnecessary', he sagely countered: 'So what? Do you wanna fight you f**ker - This interview can be read in full in an article entitled 'Mental hippy attacks NME journalist'.
John has an open mind to all musical tastes: 'I want to reach out to all people and make them like Heavy Metal' he says 'There is a place for all types of music in this world and we should all just try and rock together... apart from poncy dance toss and Top of the Pops bollocks'. John is a Gemini who likes birdwatching and creative writing.
Vlad Terror burst onto the rock scene following a successful stint as a children’s entertainer on the Sheilds Ferry.
His bass wielding skills were well put to the test playing George Formby numbers to charver brats to stop them worrying passengers for cider and taaaaabs.
Vlad has actually been cited as the direct inspiration for the Predator films owing to his alien hair, his incredibly anal like facial hair, and an unnerving ability to outstare the dead when he’s cross.
Vlad bases his bass playing tactics on the Red Dwawf adage “Twot it” and he doesn’t wear anything under his kilt…
Vlad acquired his bass after a misunderstanding with Black Sabbath bass beast, Geezer Butler. Apparently Geezer said “If you touch that bloody bass again I’m calling the cops” – but Vlad misheard and thought he’d said: “There you go fella, help yourself to whatever takes your fancy from my bass collection in this locked up, security guarded van.” – Full details are available in the document: ‘Court transcripts – the Crown verses Vlad Terror’.
Vlad is said to have magical powers. He commands such respect that when people see him coming down the street in his rock gear they make way for him – in some cases crossing the street to ensure they don’t impede his path.
His musical history is somewhat chequered owing to his phenomenal musicianship. Slipnot said he was too scary, ZZ Top said he was too hairy, Lemmy said he was too lairy and Britany Speares said “WHAT is THAT?”
Taking his place in the Arockalypse line up, Vlad cemented his reputation for fearsome frolics with the band by playing his entire bass solo using other peoples fingers
Jamie joined the band amid a hive of controversy following the now legendary 'incident'.Jamie has always been a tearaway though. At nursery he was banned from the Wendy house for putting locks on the door and constantly asked Amanda Gams to do precisely that. He was then expelled for goosing Miss Farquart by the abacus.
Girls and surfing, rock and mischief ruled his developing years - which were cruelly interrupted when one evening in 'Big Ali's kebab parlour and post pets refuge' he demonstrated his hilarious flatulace lighting techniques too close to the grill... the off duty policeman eventually re-grew his bodily hair but not before Jamie had served his 6 months for possession of a dangerous chuff.
During his time spent at her majesties convenience Jamie discovered two things. That he had a passion and flare for drumming, leather and skirts. Rock had changed his life. He'd put one in a sock and koshed Pitbull McNutjob with it - and from there on in Prison life held no fear for him (they still exchange Christmas cards). So with rock his saviour, Jamie set about making it his life.
Following a series of bands and musical projects including drumming for the Cliff Richturd band - he was asked to leave after complaints about his famous trousers down 'no-hands' drum solo, and Madonna who relinquished his services after he bit bit her dog, Jamie collared Smokin'Mat Harrison and uttered the immortal line: 'Dude - I wanna ROCK! - quick pull my finger!'
The rest as they say is history, Jamie has been officially recognised as the best screamer in Newcastle and his trademark tossing is now legendary. He recently smartly rebuffed one snooty journalist's suggestion that all drummers where incoherent mindless morons by licking her face and screaming the imortal line: "Dude - lets RAWK!"
At this time mat and his lawyers are refusing to allow any details about his past to be published due to an ongoing multi million pound legal battle, all he can say is that "when you wear trousers that tight, these things can happen"and "I really have no idea why Vlad brought that nun along in the first place".Smokin'Mat has now been replaced by Grace Matallious 12/01/09

.. .. ..