D@le

I'd like to meet:

I’ve already met the one person that I didn’t know that I wanted or needed to meet….Myself….. For the people that know me, you know that I’ve been through some very tough and tragic things. Ever heard the saying “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger” Its Bullshit!!! Sometimes death would be welcome. Why? Guilt. Living with it is more painful then anything death could bring…..but I’m alive so now what? Try and find someone who understands someone to blame, someone to be mad at, and someone to talk to. The innate human feeling of self preservation comes along glad to be alive, family and friends by my side. Hope that maybe I’m here because I’m needed…wanted. That sense of hope, self preservation can’t wash away my guilt. I shouldn’t be here. It’s difficult to realize that you can’t decide which battles in life you’re going to win. You can never really know your limitations, and with those limitations, the recognition that while you try to do the best that you can, it might not prove to be adequate enough when you need it. So there I was sitting in that small cold cell, looking in a stainless steal mirror feeling like I had destroyed not only my life but two lives that where close to me. I looked at the face staring back at me…..I’m here it means something…It has to….make their deaths mean something…..they didn’t die for nothing……at that moment I began to accept the loss of Chris and Jeremy…..The hole in my heart didn’t close, never will I let it, I know and accept that. But what I started to let go right then was my guilt of failing to keep my friends safe, for not being with them when they left this world. All of us will know loss in our lives. This is unavoidable- a parent, a friend, a brother/sister, a lover, a child even. Profound pain is unfortunately an unavoidable reality of our existence. How less tolerable will that loss be if we compound it with guilt. Guilt….it’s the easiest feeling to bring to bear. What I understood then, that I never could have until then is that guilt is the driving force behind responsibility. We act in what we think is a good way because we are afraid of how we will feel if we don’t. With guilt we balance our conscious with our view of right and wrong. I understood then that there is another level above guilt…it’s an understanding of community, Friendship, and loyalty. I do not call the people around me my family, and friends to alleviate my guilt, I do so because in that, and in their reciprocal friendship, we are all stronger and better. Our lives become worth so much more. I miss Chris and Jeremy! My heart will always have a place for them. I think of them everyday. But I accept their loss and my personal responsibility in that. I could not be as close to them as I wanted to be when they left this world. When I woke up in that hospital bed and when looking in that mirror, I realized that I gave them the same thing I give everyone else in my life the only thing that I myself can truly give….my love, friendship, and heart. I will go on in this world for as long as I’m aloud. Offering my friendship to those I know and care for. I’ll be myself, giving the smile, the thought, the lecture, and every now and then the thing that makes them go Hhmm! As I began to let go, I realized that I hold Chris and Jeremy a little tighter, but in a way that makes me look up to the whispers of lost friends and smile, because they know I gave them the only thing that I could truly give…..MYSELF For they and all the others in my life are with me always, no small part of Dale!