The Downtown Beautifuls? Who were these guys? What's their story? A lot of people know about them, but then again a lot of other people have never heard of them. Let me start by saying anyone who knows anything about the Downtown Beautifuls knows they were nothing but evil trouble from the get go. Anywhere the Downtown Beautifuls went, death and violence followed. A lot of people think the DBs were killed off by some high-up political figures to prevent influence on a generation of already unsatisfied teens and 20-somethings. Other people say competing bands of the day had the Downtown Beautifuls offed to prevent their songs from getting radio play. No one knows for sure what the cause was, but it was certainly very suspicious. The death of the Downtown Beautifuls was a complete freak show filled with expensive cars, dinosaur statues, go-go girls, feces, an old style washing machine, eggs, some exotic lemurs and a pencil, -but right now is not the time to get into all of that. We are celebrating their lives, and what they contributed to the world. What did they contribute? Most parents would say "NOTHING! They contributed nothing but fiendish evil in everything they touched!! Good-riddance to them!"
We know better; we know they were worthy craftsmen molding and sculpting innocent minds into evil disciples of doom.
It all began in 1964 when twin brothers Clint and Bling Flicker met up with twin brothers Rutherford and Harry Longfellow at a demolition derby. Long story short, the two sets of evil twin brothers ended up out on the field, and as usual when they became involved in anything, several people got maimed and murdered. This was the first of many nightmarish experiences which would help to bond them together.
There were a couple of unique traits concerning these two sets of twin brothers. It was a strange coincidence both sets of twins contained one brother of above average and somewhat evil intelligence, and then one brother of the slightly mentally challenged persuasion. The other coincidence was probably the oddest of all. Neither of the twins looked like their brothers; somehow though, they matched identically with the brothers of the opposite set!
Most people say these four boys possessed an absolute death-enraged hatred in their hearts for each other, but in a weird way, they had become a family. A big happy hate-engorged family, never to be separated.
Let's jump ahead to 1966, when the Downtown Beautifuls adopted their name and began playing shows. The name came to Harry from one of his nightmares. It was reported he fell asleep at a drive-in vampire movie, and when he woke up, he noticed his date was passed out, and he had apparently carved "DONTN BUTFL" into her forehead with a rusty screwdriver. Later, upon seeing this scar in the girl's head, Harry's brother Rutherford (who was not a very good reader) said, "Is 'Downtown Beautiful' her nickname?" They all had a good chuckle and hence the name stuck.
These two sets of twin brothers had been playing in an old septic tank at a local dump for about two years before they went public. Playing together like this gave them an opportunity to develop a style unlike most others of their time. When they were ready to crawl out of their septic tank and go public, they had built up an arsenal of nearly 200 songs. Those who saw them write songs together said it was an unbelievable sight. There was a massive about of retarded crying, blood, eye-gougings, broken bones and in the end, there would be another shiny brand new song, ready to record.
Their public shows were definitely true shockers. Rumors of murders, stabbings, tortures, humiliations, and rockin' music. Most people never lived to tell what they'd seen at a Downtown Beautifuls show, but the few who were lucky enough to escape alive were able to bring tales of wretched horror to hungry eager ears.
Early on in their careers, it became quite difficult for the two smarter brothers to corral in their two retarded brothers, and so a new figure was brought into the picture. His name was Link Hasslefield. Link was originally brought on as a care-taker to the mentally challenged brothers, but eventually his role became more crucial to the group's existence. Some people say rather than caring for the boys, he would beat, punish and torture them for his own drunken amusement. The two smarter brothers didn't care, because whatever Mr. Hasslefield was doing was making the two retards play better. Maybe it was out of utter fear Rutherford was able to do such tremendous feats on his drums. Maybe Bling was worried if he didn't move his fingers like lightning down the neck of his bass, he would get his fingers torn out by the roots. We'll never really know all of Mr. Link Hasslefield's secret disciplinary techniques, but we know this: he worked magic with those retarded boys.
So for about 17 years, the Downtown Beautifuls were able to play and entertain us, up until their untimely deaths in 1978. Most of their albums were destroyed in public mass record burnings throughout the 1970s by mad parents and politicians, making it nearly impossible to find any of their recordings, but every once in a while, newly discovered old songs are discovered in old basements and attics. We've managed to dig up a few for you here. The world tried to erase the Downtown Beautifuls from earthly existence, saying they were a disgrace to all humans, but some of us still love them anyway. We say 'Long live the dead Downtown Beautifuls!' Keep rocking us guys, you will always live in our hearts!
