i forgot to remember
there’s a room at the top of the stairs. no one knows about it- well, no one but me. i went there once, in the middle of the night. it was cold and dark and rank, but if you stood out on the balcony you could see the stars, the Moon, and if you looked close enough, you could see the Sun.
that was years ago. since then, everything has changed. the building burned down and a shopping mall was built over it. but i think the room is still there. i’m sure you could get to it if you tried. sad thing is, i stopped trying a long time ago.
i can no longer see the Sun. in a way, i miss it. maybe, just maybe, it didn’t leave me behind. maybe it’s coming for me now, racing through the universe to find me. yea, right. it’s not like it can fly.
in my entire life, i’ve only seen one thing that could fly. he had purple eyes, white wings, and a black brow. he asked me if i was alive. i said i thought i was. he asked me if i could see. i said i thought i could. he asked me if i had control. i said i thought i did.
he’s dead now. car accident or something. i never got the whole story. you never do, not really. is there such thing as a whole story?
once, when i was walking, i saw a tree with a face. it spoke to me.
Tree: it’s cold outside.
me: yes.
Tree: just thought i’d tell you.
me: thanks.
Tree: can you hear the wind? it’s rustling through my leaves.
me: yes, i can hear it.
Tree: hum. i thought you could.
the Tree is gone now too. someone cut it down, chopped it up. shame. it was beautiful.
i used to have some friends. they would come to me in the middle of the night and whisper poetry in the darkness. then one day i got an offer i couldn’t refuse, and they vanished with the Sun. i never saw them again. sometimes, when i’m alone, i watch the shadows on the ceiling and wonder where they went. but only when i’m alone.
i had a dream a long time ago that i was walking on the beach. everything around me was liquid. the sand, the rocks, the crabs. everything. i looked around, and there beside me was a girl. she was crying, and her tears were washing over everything as they made their way to the sea.
why are you crying? i asked.
because i can. she replied.
oh. no duh. i said, and walked away.
i used to think i was an artist. i used to think i was a poet. i used to think i was a dreamer. now i know that i simply am.
i’ve been thinking, lately, that i’d really like it to snow. it’s always so peaceful when it snows. the clouds come and the flakes fall and everything is white. and you cannot see the sun. that’s the most important thing. you cannot see the sun.
earlier today, i was walking in the rain. suddenly, my head was surrounded by bees.
‘we thought you were dead.’ they hissed in shrill voices that i recognized. ‘we thought you were dead we thought you were dead.’
‘but i’m not!’ i cried. ‘i’m not i’m not!’ but they didn’t answer. they had already gone and could not hear me.
the Moon is setting. i can see it from under my bush. soon, it will be dark, and i will sleep. but i won’t dream. i never dream anymore.
wait, what’s that? over there, can you see it? i think it’s moving. no, it’s not. stop. go. start. i’m screaming. can you hear me? no? i didn’t think so. i’m lost. can you find me? will you find me? look. over there. i’m gone.
damn.
don’t ask me where i’ve been. if you do, i will say nothing because i have no answer. i have already forgotten.
my feet are dangling as i sit on this balcony. up here, it’s dark and cold and rank. but i can see the stars, and i can see the Moon, sinking below the horizon. and i can see something else. something cold and distant, but it’s coming closer. what is it? could it be? no. yes. yes, it is.
i think it’s the Sun.
