I am an orphan. As a child, I had dreams of growing up to be a drifter. While in the orphanage, I befriended Whitey Marsh and Pee Wee. Later, I pushed Pee Wee in front of a car. My dreams were cut short when a fire scorched through the orphanage. Me and the other orphans were rescued by a mighty ape named Joe Young. A few months later they found out I started the fire when I lit Father Flanagan's only pair of DNA stained underwear. They kicked me out soon after. Remembering the heroics of Joe, I showed my love for apes by going to Africa and hunting them. I returned to the states and attended Helen Keller College of Technology and Self Defense where I graduated Summa Cum Laude. In addition to being a gifted scholar, I was also quite the athlete. I shattered or tied every athletic record in the school's history. I own or share records in Archery, Table Tennis and Midget Tossing. Later I enrolled into Harvard Law School where I vowed to represent the less fortunate. Harvard kicked me out after I insisted on giving a semen sample to the recently deceased former Dean Rottentwat. Those who know me, call me Fuzz. Those who really know me don't call me at all. I have fathered 22 illegitimate children with 27 illegitimate women. I use food stamps to mail letters. I often wipe my ass with my right hand only to realize the toilet paper is in the left one. I was thought to be the Unabomber but was cleared. I also started a charity for my favorite cause. That cause is ME. I pretend to be a homeless, jobless and crippled veteran from the Invasion of Grenada while I beg for money in the streets of Saint Clair, Pennsylvania. I claimed I was hit repeatedly with a hammer in the head by a Cuban construction worker/soldier. Years later, after finally learning how to read and write, I got a job as "drug company guinea pig." I also moonlight as a "drug mule." I usually only take jobs that start with the word "drug" and end in an animal's name. I also like to use "quotations." In my "downtime," I enjoy scrap booking. From time to time I also fill in as a guest host for Larry King. I recently found out that I have a long lost twin brother named Neuter Fuzz. I also used to have a girlfriend who could fit into my clothes. She was hit by a train and killed while wearing one of my shirts. Sometimes, late at night, I still think about that shirt.
Here's some boasting.
I am simply the greatest human who ever lived. Socrates, did your drink taste funny? Friedrich Nietzche, i bet you were pissed when john edwards contacted you. Leonardo Da Vinci, jack of all trades and master of none. Mother Teresa, get a job. Gandhi, hungry yet? Sigmund Freud, sex addict. Lewis and Clark, tour guides. Kelly Tripuka, panty waste. Nostradamus, bookie. Marie Curie, way to go, you discovered what would be the cause of your death. Jesus, 3rd rate carpenter. I could go on with these inferior people but let me tell you why i'm the greatest to ever live.
32 FACTS THAT PROVE MY GREATNESS!
1. FACT: I am a MAVERICK.
2. FACT: I can name 27 of the 41 states in the U.S.
3. FACT: I am Stephen Hawking's stunt double.*
4. FACT: Wrote original screenplay for "Star Wars: Return of the Jedi" that included
a neutering scene with Chewbacca because he kept humping the ewoks, droids and dead stormtroopers.
5. FACT: I shot J.R.
6. FACT: Smoking actually does make you look cooler.
7. FACT: I Invented karma
8. FACT: I am a former understudy to a Solid Gold Dancer.
9. FACT: Introduced chocolate to peanut butter.
10. FACT: Elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame in 2001.
11. FACT: Co-Wrote the Bible. I am currently writing the sequel.
12. FACT: I do uncanny impressions. CLICK HERE to hear my impression of godzilla
13. FACT: I was formerly known as "Boceephus." I now go by my given name of BoogieFuzz Einstein Wilbury.
14. FACT: I have a friend who only collects STD's. She currently has 7.
15. FACT: I know that Prometheus stole fire so he could flame broil his whopper.
16. FACT: I know nothing rhymes with orange.
17. FACT: I made it illegal in Lehigh, Nebraska to sell donut holes.
18. FACT: Credited with shortening the name Henry to Hank.
19. FACT: Told David Douchebag to change his last name to Hasselhoff.
20. FACT: I have a butler named TAINTSWORTH.
21. FACT: First person to dunk.
22. FACT: I operate the Mustache Ride for a traveling circus.
23. FACT: Martha Stewart gave me a few Blumpkins. They were better than her pie.
24. FACT: I am responsible for global warming.
25. FACT: I am always drunk or doped up. Usually both.
26. FACT: I am the guy in the Nirvana video "smells like teen spirit" who cuts across the screen holding the cymbal- about 4 minutes and 16 or 17 seconds in.
27. FACT: I know that in the TV show "Leave it to Beaver" that Wally was named after Ward's uncle and Beaver was nicknamed after his mother.
28. FACT: I added a new fact in March 2008. It's the first in almost two years.
29. FACT: When I fart, people think it's my impression of Rush Limbaugh. It's the smell that convinces them. They are so convincing that they have been offered their own radio show.
30. FACT: My mother was a tailor, she sewed my new bluejeans.
31. FACT: I dabble in the black market of making and selling pickled punks.
32. FACT: In high school I was voted "Most likely to grow a beard."
If you want to know any more facts to back up my 'greatest human' claim just email me and i will answer any question you have or i will send you a copy of my book "BoogieFuzz; It Burns When I Pee".
* For those of you who don't know Stephen Hawking, you should look him up. If you are too lazy, here is Stephen if he were a Lego.
