chris - ProfilesArchive

About Me

what can i say? i had a bit of a bumpy ride trudging through my perilous pre-pubescence, largely due to the perverse antics of my uncle Bill, or 'Sideburns' as i used to call him - not on account of his outrageous chops, like woolly door-mats for traveling headlice, far from it. but because he used to kidnap second rate actors in the 70's and slowly peel their side-burns off, threatening to set fire to these furry furnishings if they didn't give him what he wanted - which, strangely enough, was cheese. nobody in the family knew why he had so much cheese in the fridge, why he kept stilton under his pillow or brie in his socks. only i knew the disturbing truth. but as the 70's gave way to the 80's my uncle had to find another way of getting what he wanted. by now i was a spotty, hormonal teenager, shaggin' soft, silky cushions late at night (i went to an all-boys school: i wasn't doing what Dave suggested! no way). uncle said he'd help me talk to girls if i helped him snatch the only female panda from the zoo; he still hadn't sated his cheese-libido and believed that the zoo-keepers would do anything to rescue her. of course i thought about it and almost said no. but his persuasive eyebrows swayed it for me. molly was her name. nice eyes; bit stoned looking. it was only shortly after that i realised what Sideburns was hinting at: 'doin' a panda's as good as any skirt you'll get on a friday night', he said. so there you have it. now, years later, i wonder what all the fuss is about: why do they have such trouble mating our pliable pandas? she was well up for it. and i only had to buy her a couple of vodka-cokes to break the ice. we're getting married next year - on the moon! hopefully. he's a lovely chap, that moon. he's even got a part in the mighty boosh. uncle Bill's finally happy with his unhealthy amount of cheese. but, oddly, he says he's moving on to fromage-blanc. well, au revoir... ..
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You are Superman
Superman 85%
Green Lantern 70%
Spider-Man 60%
Supergirl 53%
Robin 52%
Catwoman 50%
Batman 45%
Hulk 45%
The Flash 45%
Iron Man 45%
Wonder Woman 43% You are mild-mannered, good,
strong and you love to help others.
Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...

My Interests

I must admit that I enjoy stealing other peoples identities when they're not looking by creeping up behind them and prodding them with a baguette. it's hard to explain how this works with only words at my fingertips, so i invite you (giddy reader) to venture into this delightful violation and experience it for yourself. once the target has been baguetted you will feel a lot closer to the, now squawking, victim, and i assure you, you'll be as one doughy flesh.The Moon Collection
spinal tap

I'd like to meet:

I'm a huge fan of KARL PILKINGTON. hes a cultural icon, a role model for all. first came across him on ricky gervais dvd (politics), but really got an insight into the mind of the genius when stumbling across some xfm archives. i was instantly hooked. i realised i had never laughed in my life until the summer of 2005. you could talk about anything and be enlightened by his peculiar perspective. ive literally almost wet myself in amusement. one of the great thinkers of the 21st century, you'd be a fool not to give a portion of your life to his world!

Music:

what can i say about music. would it be an understatement to say i enjoy it? i am half-fully aware that my music palate has been shaped by the tastes of the tone-deaf listeners i grew up with. it's no surprise that i like the harmonies of george harrison when my mum used to put 'all things must pass' on our crippled hi-fi when i was a wheezing 8 year old. i grew up with tremendous speed, mainly because my dad used to water me using a multi-coloured watering-can. he also wore a techni-coloured coat to go with his gandalf musing-beard. i remember he came home from his hoof-polishing job one day with a first edition copy of Ziggy Stardust, and a rickety old staff. we got half way through 'Starman' when he just spontaneously popped out of existence. he didn't even leave a tip. now every time i go into hmv to buy the latest arctic monkeys or radiohead album, say, i think of my papa joe floating around in outer space without a change of clothes or a toothbrush. it almost makes me sad. oh well.Old Greg: Love Games
Old Greg

Movies:

like my music, my taste in film has matured like a fine tesco economy-priced wine. as a child i had an amorous relationship with 'who framed roger rabbit?'. to offer you a snapshot of this affair i will say that while repetitively watching this classic i would discreetly rub the vhs box on my crinkle-cut genitals, taking care to come into contact with the picture of jessica rabbit on the back. at around 9 years old you would think that this early sexual experience had some freudian, insidious affect on me. don't panic, i'm fine. i am presently at university, and on weekends i dress as a transvestite around soho, in a sparkly red corset. the films that i now keep close to my heart have not been bought from those annoying black-market plebs who lunge at you with bootleg dvds. i do the right thing and manically hurl vol au vents at them, stealing their little fanny-bag of the latest hollywood garbage ( i enjoy hearing someone shooshing an obnoxious cinema whisperer, or seeing someone's giant head appear in front of the screen). my dvd collection consists of thoughtful, tear-insiring films like 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind' and 'dead poets' society'. if i opt for a chortle-adventure i'll put on 'annie hall' or a monty python. if i become emotionally confused i'll just watch a tartan extreme nightmare and hide under pile of biscuits.Monty Python and The Holy Grail

Television:

'if you are a moon you don't have any mirrors, so, eh...if you want to see your face you got to have a little look in the rivers. i had a look in there...i'm a-flippin' beautiful. i'm all hansom. a smooth white moon, and...i haven't got any eyebrows but...i think that gives me more of an edge' (the moon, mighty boosh). if i could write a sitcom with the same trance-like, chuckle surrealism as 'the boosh' or the every day, comedic ruggedness as peep show, i would be blinkin' happy. isn't curb your enthusiam rather good?The Mighty Boosh Best of series 1
Back To Fantasy Bazaar

Books:

i was tentative at first, but my love of books has now begun. for years the world of literature has been flirting with me, ever since reading 'the hobbit' as a flabby child. but reading was never a passion growing up. not when you have a playstation and porn to play with, although with the latter i wasn't really playing with 'it' - i was busy fiddling with my floppy, frothy dangly bits. my latest endeavors include: woody allen's complete prose (going to buy 'anarchy' soon), mark haddon's 'a spot of bother', nick hornby's 'slam', and mark gatiss' 'the devil in amber'. i just bought danny wallace's 'friends like these' and have a shit load of books from the library to keep me warm at night. i have honestly tried to arouse myself over the likes of j.g ballard and don delillo but unfortunately their cerebral scribblings will have to wait for my mind to welcome intellectual orgasms. lets not forget the thrills of malcolm pryce and jasper fforde! they bring a huge coat-hanger grin to my stubbly face.Mighty Boosh
Black Books ..Bernards letter

Heroes:

Ricky Gervais, Bill Bailey, Dylan Moran, Woody Allen, and Danny Wallace. i think 'the boosh' may have to occupy a murky spot in my bubbly bath, just because they are so bloody brilliant.
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