I received an honorary degree in theoretical math from a fictional university. Currently I'm writing a sequel to the remake of an adaptation of a movie that was never made from a TV series that never aired. The studio hopes to turn the project into a trilogy, releasing the sequel first, a prequel second, and finally a spin-off of unrelated characters inspired by the original work. I live in L.A., or so it seems.

Recent Blogs

The Sex Bailout
I’m writing on behalf of a beleaguered cross-section of Americans, devastated financially and emotionally by a series of events beyond their control, and respectfully request a pussy bailout.
Oodles of Cuddles
Enough with the cuddling already.
Dear AIG Exec: Fuck You
The fuckups at A.I.G. have metastasized worldwide. A.I.G.’s fingers are in a lot of assholes.
Uncle Doo Watched "Watchmen"
Watchmen is a movie about superheroes you never heard of from a comic book you never read, proving once again the only thing gayer than dudes dressing in tights to fight crime is reading about them. And going to see their movies.
Obama's Whopper Choppers
Why do Pres. Obama's new helicopters cost so much?
"The Show's Over"
Guy says, Hey, the show's over. What show?
Eight Is More Than Enough, Part II (Octomom)
Nadya Suleman’s popping out more tots than Napoleon Dynamite with an eating disorder is not "news."
Eight Is More Than Enough, Part I (Octomom)
Why did a woman with six kids want eight more?
Republican Is the New Black
The Republican National Committee (RNC) elected its first black chairman, Michael Steele -- but Republicans have always been black.
She Donated Me to Science
You know I’m all about science, especially when there’s a chance I might see something gross or scope some chick’s junk,
POTUS OBAMA
The Inauguration of President Barack Obama means more than the end of eight years of thuggery, highway-to-Baghdad robbery, financial fingerbanging and date rape and hush money, bugfuck incompetence, laissez-faire laziness, and plain old everyday contempt for the lower 99 percent of us.
Dinner with the Gays
“On your left is the natural habitat of the North American hommasexshul. As with birds, the males tend to be the more colorful and flamboyant of the species, plus they giggle every time you say, ‘peacock.’”
"Now & Then": A Poem
2008: A Year in Review
Up Close & the Personals
Shoe shopping is porn for women. Bridal magazines are comic books for women.
PGHS -- A Condition That Must Be Stopped in Our Lifetime
This insidious illness affects 10 out of 10 males at least once in their lives. The numbers get even worse if you’re married.
Labor Pains
If men could get pregnant, goddammit, having babies would be a fuckin' sport.
Waiting Fast at the Doctor’s Office
I've got to stop by the friendly House O' Bodily Fluids and pay another motherfucker to do what my Primary Care Motherfucker used to do in 30 seconds.
Bill Clinton’s Concession Stand
President-Elect Obama is considering Sen. Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State in his administration.
"Whipped," Dips, and You Sunk My Battleship!
Dude says I'm pussywhipped. I'm calling a technical on that one, ladies.
No Props for Prop 8: The Gay Marriage Ban in California
I love gay marriage. LOVE it. I want a boom in florists, caterers, dressmakers, tailors, crappy tribute bands who play all the gay techno-synth-shit songs from the 80s, pastry chefs, honeymoon vacations, and scratch-n-sniff vajayjay party favors.
Election Hangover: What Happens Now?
Sen. Barack Obama, (D-Ill.), was elected President of the United States. What happens to the rest of the players from campaign?
Random Thoughts, Election-Wise and Otherwise-Wise
People have to stop talking about how the last eight years, or McCain or Palin, have tarnished the Republican "brand." That's like saying those kids in China didn't die from that tainted milk -- it was the packaging.
Trailer Park Population Thinned by Two in Obama Assassination Scheme
The spree initially was thought to have targeted a predominantly African-American school. Authorities revised their theory of the crime, however, after realizing neither of the geekturds had any idea what a fuckin' school might look like.
What Do Dee Vee Pee Do?
What are some of the things that Gov. Sarah Palin, Republican nominee for Vice President of the U.S., think the VP does?
Mind of McCain: How the Third Debate Really Went
Inside the head of a guy who thinks he did “okay” in the third Presidential debate
Why Joe the Plumber Should Vote for Obama
Dear Mr. Wurzelbacher: There's been some confusion about your honest question about which candidate, Sen. John McCain or Sen. Barack Obama, would be better for you.
Snark Attack
The biggest news today seems to be that a virgin shark has given birth.
Biden vs. Palin: Vice-Presidential "Jeopardy!"
Contestants, phrase your answer in the form of a question.
Tits and Ice
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) petitioned Ben & Jerry's to use human breast milk in their products instead of cow's milk.
Bustout, Not Bailout
The economy is so bad, VP Dick Cheney gave up his vacation and stayed home to shoot someone in the face.
Cosmetic Labial Enhancements on Porcine-Americans
"You can put lipstick on a pig,” Obama said yesterday, “but it’s still a pig.”
Fuck (Sex) "Education"
I took this one personally, folks. This one could've been me.
Overheard at the RNC Convention, Part 1
“I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a ‘community organizer,’ except that you have actual responsibilities.” Like saying "Pipe down, Otis!" a lot.
McCain Picks Tina Fey for VP Slot
Is America ready for a President whose most impressive budgetary accomplishment is stretching a 24-count roll of chocolate chip cookie dough to 36 for the elementary school bake sale?
“Nuance” Shot in Drive-By
The word nuance is in critical condition today in Merriam & Webster's dictionary and is not expected to last through the 2008 U.S. Presidential campaign.
Holy Campaign Fatigue, Batman!
Anything that makes me feel sorry for Paris Hilton is, frankly, the end of the fuckin' world.
"Obama and the Media, Sittin’ in a Tree... "
Some pundits claim "the media are in love with Obama." What are some of the signs?
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 Upgrade (w/ Uncle Doo Plug-In)
The first time I read "Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 Upgrade," one of those forwarded e-mails I get now and then, I thought it was funny and passed it on. I've reworked it over time and added some of my own.
Jolie Favre Tumble iPhone
Oil prices "tumbled" over six dollars a barrel -- a 4.4% decrease, analysts say, the biggest decline in 17 years. Go fuck yourselves, analysts. A six-buck drop from a nearly 150-dollar price is not a fuckin' "tumble."
To Sleep, Perchance to Beaver
I can't sleep. I do not "have difficulty sleeping." It's not like I'm dozing, but if I had work gloves and a weight belt, I could really lean into those Zs. I can't sleep.
Man-o-MAN!-o-Mania
Documents revealed that the U.S. Department of Defense considers homosexuality a "mental disorder," in direct contradiction to the American Psychiatric Association and practically the entire cast and crew of Ugly Betty.
Love Bites
Manuel Uribe, the "World's Fattest Man" now weighing 700 lbs. and change, has a girlfriend. A real, live girlfriend, not Number Six from Battlestar or something.
Jive Stalkin’
Sen. Hillary Clinton decided not to decide whether to decide to accept the decision of Democratic primary voters that she fuckin' lost till the weekend.
Spam-a-Lama Ding Dong
U.S. consumers, already hit hard by the price of gas, are turning to Spam to trim food costs.
Memorial Day Message: For Those Who Didn’t Die
As we have waged war, the death toll on our soldiers, per capita, has decreased. We're smarter. Our medicine is better. We're saving more lives in the field. That's why the bill for "veterans' benefits" keeps going up. And that's why we have to keep paying it.
Polar Bare
The Department of the Interior classified polar bears as a "threatened" species, which is right before "endangered," which is right before "totally fuckin' gone."
Golf Snub
Pres. Bush told a reporter that he'd given up golf for the families of the men and women dying in Iraq. What other sacrifices has he made?
Race to the Bottom
As the race narrows, how is Sen. Hillary Clinton rallying her base of white, hard-working, non-college-graduates?
Checks and Imbalances
David Blaine set a record for holding his breath for 18 minutes. Big deal. I've eaten pussy for half an hour without the benefit of huffing a full tank of fuckin' oxygen first. Try that, Houdini.
Do The Wright Thing: What Obama Should’ve Said
All of us have friends and family with whom we don't always see eye-to-eye, but we have them into our homes anyway. All of us have been embarrassed at one time or another by their words or actions.
TAG! Inside the Actors Studio
From the questionnaire invented by Bernard Pivot on Bouillon de culture
Heaven Sent
Heaven’s gotta be full of the same dumb-ass motherfuckers we got down here. I'm pretty sure that when you die, you don't get sharper politically and an iPod loaded with cool music.
News You Can Use: Week Ending 04-19-2008
The French parliament adopted a bill to make it illegal to promote extreme thinness. I'd like to make it illegal to promote extreme Frenchness.
Pope Says Nope to Further Gropes
Imagine the Catholic Church is Microsoft and the Pope is Bill Gates.
Kickin’ Gas and Takin’ Names
One solution to the gas crisis: “Buy a hybrid.” Oh, sure, the price of gas is giving me pains in areas even Midol can’t touch, but I can spring for a fuckin’ Prius.
Ho Down, Part 2
Every time a whore in America finds a couple of bills of celebrity on the dresser on her way out the door of our national consciousness, the media instantly produce stories, segments, closeups, interviews, profiles, special investigations, and look-insides that, promise-pinky-swear-on-a-stack-of- L.A.-Express, don’t glamorize prostitution.
Water, Water Everywhere
I’m not sure when we decided that we needed to put something in water besides, y’know, fuckin’ water.
Ho Down, Part 1: Eliot Spitzer Resigns
Sex scandals cause me nothin’ but trouble in the bedroom.
What Jay Leno Didn’t Say
Response to another forwarded e-mail
Pret-a-Porter, Bitches!
Pictorial of the annual fashion show in Paris
Oscars 2008 Wrap Party
The Academy honored Juno with the Best Original Screenplay Consolation Prize Since Your Little-Indie-Comedy-That-Could Made Buttloads of Cash.
Vitamin B.S.: New ‘Diet Coke Plus’
If you're depending on Diet Coke to provide your RDA of essential nutrients, step off the runway a moment and have a sandwich, Tyra.
Some Politics, Some ‘Playboy’
According to a recent survey in Playboy, a third of all Democrats have had more than 10 sexual partners in their lifetimes -- at least three of which have been Bill Clinton in various disguises.
Math Appeal
I'm done. I'm done with tech support. The next computer gizmo I buy, I swear, had better include a tiny little Indian guy inside the box, and when I open it, he somersaults outta there and installs the fuckin' thing and then I never see or hear from him again.
Giuliani for President (of Florida)
Giuliani skipped all the previous primaries to focus on the bonanza of delegates provided by the Sunshine State, a strategy reflected in his promises on the campaign trail.
Oscar Nominees 2008
Leading the pack is Atonement, nominated for Best Picture That Looks So Totally Like The English Patient I Wouldn't See It on a Free Pass, I Wouldn't See It on a Dare, I Wouldn't See It If Keira Knightley Gave Me a Handjob and Bought the Popcorn.
Dear Uncle Doo (Installment 1)
Dear Uncle Doo -- I have been living with my boyfriend for eight months. We consider each other best friends. Still, we have trouble with intimacy.
Monkeying Around
Scientists have discovered the reason why chimps eat dirt. They're fuckin' chimps. Imagine that. Thanks, doc.
WGA Strike '07-'08: Everything I Need to Know I Learned from TV and Movies and the People Who Write Them
Any agent will tell you. You don't get what you deserve. You get what you negotiate.
Party Favors
The scariest words a man ever hears from a woman are not "I think I'm pregnant." The scariest words a man ever hears from a woman are "I think we should throw a party."
Whopper Freakout
Iraq, Katrina, gas prices, taxes -- but if you really wanna torch off America's outrage, stop serving Whoppers at the fuckin' Burger King.
I Have Security Issues
Seems the CIA destroyed some interrogation tapes from Guantanamo Bay this week. An analyst spotted some tapes labeled “CUBA” and thought they were Cuba Gooding Jr. movies.
Magic Carpet Ride
Once I wrote a website for a rug merchant, which should tell you the direction this story is going...
Random Thoughts, Part 6
Whenever I see Babel, and Brad Pitt gets all sad because his wife is dying and nobody can understand him, all I can see is him in The Mexican shouting, I need your EL TRUCK-O to get to the next TOWN-O!
Things That Might Make You Gay
Yogurt is ice cream for people who are “watching their figure.” Real men do not watch their figures. Real men eat. And not each other.
The Haunted FEMA Trailer
A study of trick-or-treating habits revealed a number of failed strategies by white America to engage more minorities in Halloween.
Values Voters Voodoo
Values voters presented a platform of core issues for the GOP Presidential hopefuls this weekend.
A Few Words About Passwords
I dunno how many fuckin' passwords I'm supposed to carry around in my fuckin' head, which has limited RAM and the motherboard's getting older...
All That and a Bag of SCHIP
Pres. Bush vetoed expansion of the State Children's Health Insurance Plan, or SCHIP, which provides for health coverage of poor children. How are the nation's kids coping?
Ahmadinejad: Bad Mamma Jamma
For Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's visit to the U.S., Pres. Bush developed a list of less formal terms to address the guest dignitary.
My Own Not-So-Private Idaho
Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) discovers another leak in airport security -- you cannot have hot gay man-sex in a fuckin' toilet stall.
Going to the Dogs
The Comedy Central Roast of Flavor Flav
Bye Bye Birdies
Politechs as Usual
Riled Psychology
"There Are Many Unpleasant Things I Would Do to Be With You (Part I)"
"Before She Freaks"
Random Thoughts, Part 4
In Your Dreams
Rear "View": Rosie O'Donnell in Hindsight
Airport Insecurity
Old Wives' Tailspin: Mitt Romney
Bye Bye Jerry Falwell
Myth America: Bigfoot an Endangered Species
A Fool and His Money: The Iraq War Funding Bill
Random Thoughts, Part 3
Hanky Panda
Another Forwarded E-Mail: "Do You Remember When... ?"
Wash Your Mouth Out With a Nappy-Headed Hose
Bye Bye Kurtie
More Toilet Humor
"The Reaping" Reeks
Random Thoughts, Part 2
The Black White House
A Few Words from My Sickbed
Secrets of the "Do It in Private" Diet
The New, IMPROVED Miss America
No Ifs, Ands, or Butts: The Spanking Ban
Strange Diaz Indeed: Cameron's and Justin's Breakup
And the Lord Said Unto Pat...
Jesus Christ, CEO
People I Can Do Without, Part 2
Do Your Part(ner) for the Global Orgasm for Peace!
A Few Words on My Deathbed
"Relative Humidity" (Song)
Iraq Still Two Bent Dicks Short of a Clusterfuck
Gag Falls Flat at Not-So-Phat Frat
Old McDonald Had a Farm: Bling-Bling, Bling-Cha-CHING!
K-Fed Is F--Ked: Britney and Kevin's Divorce
Another One Bites the Pillow: Pastor Ted Haggard Outed
Another Forwarded E-Mail: "More Bullshit Trivia"
Tag! You're Sued!
Kim Jong-Il Be Illin': Nukes in North Korea
Rep. Mark Foley, R-FL, Licked His Finger and Turned the Page... but Did House Republicans See Him Coming?
The Terrible Terror Bill
The Fault, Dear Brutus, IS in Our Stars: Celebrities Affect Morale of U.S. Troops in Iraq
Black Chick on Right in Destiny's Child Engaged to 2nd Black Dude on 3rd Row of Dallas Cowboys
Peter Pan's Guide to the Potty
This Monster's Balls: Halle's and Eric's Divorce
"Passion" Fruit: Mel's a Mad Prophet for Mad Profits
Take This Affirmative Action Test!
License and Registration for That Dildo, Ma'am
The Concentration Camp Formerly Known as Auschwitz
Vote "Yes, Dear" on the Federal Marriage Amendment
Saddam Hussein's Excuses or Legal Defense Strategies
Another Forwarded E-Mail: "Read This Very Slowly"
al-Qaeda Presents an al-Qaeda Prod'n of an al-Qaeda Film
"Intelligence Failure" Redundant… er… Again
It's a Brokeback Brokeback Brokeback Brokeback World
James Cameron's "Creation"
Lose Weight the Government Way!