About Me
I'm mostly a low-key guy. I'm shy to an extent. If I know you, then I'm really outgoing. When I'm around people I don't know, I'm quiet... So basically I'm just one of those people that thinks too much about everything, and yes, I mean everything... and it sucks. I over-analyze everything, and it makes me seem weird. Whatever, I can't do anything about it and frankly I don't want to because I'm happy with me... and if you aren't then you havn't taken the time to get to know me well enough... I'm one of the most honest people you'll ever meet, but the only way you'd ever believe that is if you actually knew me. I don't bother talking about trivial shit and I don't bother participating in all of that high school drama bull shit because it doesn't mean a damn thing in the grand scheme. I don't suck up to people because people in general should earn respect and not have it handed to them. That doesn't mean that I am disrespectful to every person I do not know... I'm very scrupulous, but I have a very good memory and if some one crosses me more than a few times (everybody has a bad day once in a while) I'll treat them like they treat me. Anyone who actually gives me a chance will realize how beautiful of a person I am inside and out - I'm not being arrogant... I'm just being honest :). Oh well. I can't wait to get out in the real world. You know over the past four or so years of my life I've been really confused as to what I am, and what I have become, and what I will become. I remember last year in my English class a teacher of mine told the class I was like Holden, from the Catcher in the Rye. She said it in a way that was non-chalant, you know, like no one would notice the quick out burst of my name inside the simile. I noticed. She said "Look around you, do people remind you of Holden that you know? Look at Pa[quick stop]..ul Just look around you." That's how she said it. I knew she was going to do that, I really did foresee that part of the discussion, stuff like that happens a lot to me, I don't know. The class had been going over a summary of the book, they had all finished reading it. I didn't read the book. I really want to read it. I even have a copy of the book on my desk upstairs, I just don't want to, I'm afraid of books like that. I'm even more afraid of the fact that the Catcher in the Rye does not have an ending, at least that's what my class said, my teacher said one possible ending was that the Catcher is the story of J.D. Salinger, that this was his own autobiography, just with different names of the characters as opposed to his real name. It's sort of possible, but I think he wrote it to make people similar to Holden realize that there is no written path for them, that you mold and manifest your own destiny, it is not set in stone. Unfortunately for me, since this verse is basically what I've said to many upon many people before, but Papa Roach came out with a song named "scars" in which a verse is sung "my weakness is, that I care too much"... I don't know, I found my relating to that song kind of ironic, you know. But anyway I was at a East lacrosse game tonight, I walked in and got the usual stares that I get, but I've become comfortable in making it seem like I'm not interested. Some girl walked by me and stared at me (you know, one of those looks, and I paid no attention to her of course - I don't pay attention to 'jail bait') and then her friends stared at me and then she said something about being two faced and touched both of her cheeks. I wonder why, huh? Yeah, that really pisses me off... I wanted to tell her that I was prettier than her, but I couldn't. I honestly don't know why they'd be talking about me, but it seemed so real. It really did. I ask myself why would they say something like that and look right at me, but not be talking about me? Why acknowledge me at all, the only reason I can see for that, if that is the case, is jealousy - because I was and am in fact ignoring them. I know I am. I'm not being egotistical, it's not because I think I'm better than them or anything, I'm a very modest and nice person and never judge people who have been dealt bad cards, although these people were not unlucky by any means. There are only a few people in high school that I could see myself ever having a relationship with (and the number gets increasingly smaller as the age goes down)... anyway, they're probably just as scared as me to find out if they are one of them, or if I'm one of them, if you catch my drift. Yeah, I'll get off that topic though! Regardless, for those who are dealt shitty cards, it's not their God damn fault. I just think that I'm one of the luckier ones who has other attributes that make their imperfections "decorations" as opposed to stains. During the time I sat around watching the game, etc., I got to thinking, which I do a lot, and end up second guessing myself in the process, of course. There are others out there that I know, who only care for themselves, and use naive girls for the purpose of satisfying their libidos (of course it's because they are too ugly and the more mature girls can see through them.) For now I'll save their "graceful" names of being blotted by the truth, since I know it will come out one day. It's sort of frustrating to me that people actually can stand people like that though, but that's high school for ya, I suppose. It's all about politics, and the fasad you make of yourself, if you talk the talk people let you walk. I've been standing on the sidelines for so long watching that it's honestly become so hilarious to me, in a depressing way though, unfortunately. As if I could do anything about the bad cards I was dealt early in my life, but some people seem to think it was my fault, or that I should be insulted for it... in first grade I remember being so happy, being friends with everyone, ya know, living. I got redistricted in second grade which basically started my downward spiral. The first day of school every single kid except for the people I had known since preschool picked on me. Eventually they gave up, and decided that they needed to do it too, although they held on for a while, but I saw them crumble. It hurt. They crumbled for the people who disliked me for no reason at all, beside for the fact that I had some mark on me that I got by something beyond my control, do you think you could deal with that, with the fact that at such a young age you realized that you can't really trust anyone in this world? Take that in, digest it. Honestly. To all those who "care too much", stop. Care, but be yourself, just don't be reckless. Most high school kids are still very naive, and do not know what they are doing, especially when it comes to partying or anything of that nature. People sometimes just get drunk on the weekends to brag about getting drunk on the next monday that they are in school to appear "cool". That's all that people do in high school, try their hardest to be "cool" or to uphold some false reputation. It's just a "grand illusion", "don't break mold kid, just eat around it." ("The Grand Illusion" is a very good STYX song, and "Dont Stay Home" is a very good 311 song. I recommend you download them, or at least read the lyrics so you can catch my drift more thoroughly.) I don't write this for pity or to make you feel bad for me. Some people will still think I'm full of shit, most of them will be the people who participated in the things I've written about - everyone's their own best critic, though - right?? Frankly, I don't care anymore, at least about what people think of me, because I know who I am now - and I'm happy with that. That's why I'm posting this, to liberate myself. If people still want to hate on me, that's fine, because I know for a fact that if anyone, I mean anyone actually let me open up to them, without prejudging me, without giving up on me, and without mistrusting me, that they'd enjoy my world very, very much. So I say to you all, open up, there honestly is no point in holding out - know yourself, the truth will set you free. I've come to realize, through my years of observing, and now my current state of participation and liberation, that I like who I am, and that's good enough reason for me to not worry about what people who are ignorant of my world and my intelligence and my kind nature and my love in general of people say about me, because if they prejudge me, then that's their own loss. That is the biggest flaw of a person - for them to close their mind, and as long as I keep an open mind, an open heart, and treat everyone with the same respect as I would ask for them to treat me with, well... I can't say that I should have to, or will worry about the flaws of this Earth. I read one chapter of the "Perks of Being a Wallflower" after a nice girl complimented my writing style in one of my blogs. I don't want to read another one, I'm afraid of that book too, sort of. I will admit, I skipped to the last journal entry, to see if there was an ending. There wasn't. There was something else, the final paragraph says "Tomorrow, I start my sophomore year of high school. And believe it or not, I'm really not that afraid of going. I'm not sure if I will have the time to write any more letters because I might be too busy trying to "participate." So, if this does end up being my last letter, please believe that things are good with me, and even when they're not, they will be soon enough. And I will believe the same about you." So as I manifest my own destiny, and write my own ending, and as you manifest and write your own, I will. So basically I'm a good human being, and I would also like to think that I'm quite interesting as well. Handsome too. Haha... talk to me if you would like to learn more about me, I talk to everyone and I treat everyone fairly who wants to speak to me... I'm pretty shy sometimes, but it really depends on the vibe I get from the person. I enjoy writing, listening to music, playing any sport that I get a chance to play, and working out. I'm very, very observant, that pretty much describes me. I think too much and over analyze everything, it gets me into trouble sometimes with people, well, they just think I'm weird or crazy or whatever, I'm not... and if I am, I'm coming from a good place, and that's all that matters. Oh yeah and my name is paul, and I'm pretty sexy if I do say so myself.
