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i feel like i'm trapped in a toilet while being flushed in argentina. everything is shit, it feels like im spinning in the opposite direction, and i dont know what to do. i want to cry, i want to laugh, i want to run until my lungs collapse, i want to sleep forever, i want to just let go. but i cant. i have to be stable and i cant do that. everything is moving so fast and i want it to stop so that i can see the trees. everything is a blur, and the day moves so slow but it's already almost gone. i want it all to be right, i want it all to feel good, and just, and warm, and happy. i want to see you smile--for real. not because of what should be. i want to help you, i wish you would let me in. but your past is hard and painful. but i know this will never do, you might say i'm pushing you too much. but if you never get pushed, how will you get going? you can't go anywhere unless someone pushes you. maybe that's why you're scared. you don't want to make a mistake, be seen as less then you are. but i know you're beautiful, and lovely, and caring and I respect you because you've lived through your life. life hurts, beleive me i know. and you know, too. but if we can't get hurt once and a while then how can we ever know we've loved? you can't live life trying to hide from hurt or getting less then you deserve. and you deserve so much more then what you've given yourself. you could die without those drugs... and it hurts for me to write that, let alone think it. you are full of worth, you are worth more then any person can say you are worth more then any person can wish you are worth more then any person can want you are worth more then any person can dream you are worth more then any person can think you are worth more then any person can act you are worth more then any person can do. i just wanted you to know, for future reference: I WILL LOVE YOU ALWAYS & FOREVER never forget that because that is the truth. no matter what you do, i will love you. no matter what you say to me or about me, i will love you. no matter what you think, i will love you. i don't care if this makes you angry, or sad, or happy, or confused as long as you feel and know that i'll love you through that. i wish you were happy, and i wish things were right. and i can wish all the fuck i want, but it wont get anywhere until i try to do something. and i try, but it never seems enough because i can't get anywhere near you. and i'm shaking as i write this, hoping you'll read this til the end. there's a knot in my throat from anicipation. i respect you ashley, because of who you are. i respect you, whatever, whichever person you showed me. and whatever, whichever person you didn't show me. you are amazing, and beautiful, and caring, and loving. and you show it in an untypical way, but it's still the same, even if you won't admit it. please stay ashley.from this heavy heart to yours, i love you.yours truely, stephanie michelle taladoc davis