Chicken

So, you want to know a little about the "Chicken", huh? Okay. A few years ago I got involved with Russian “Carnies” and the “smuggling” of cotton candy into Belfast, Ireland. I smuggled the cotton candy using non-stick cookware, then placing the non-stick cookware in a bodily cavity. Not to bore you with the details, and to make a long story short, I was imprisoned by the town constable and was forced to work in a confection factory. For two years I made marshmallows’ into little shapes like, yellow moons, orange stars, pink hearts, and green clovers, and carved messages into little heart-shaped valentine candies like, “U-R-Cool” and “Be Mine” using only the sharpened end of a spaghetti noodle. Luckily, I had escaped by covering myself with marshmallow cream then rolling around in grass clippings, thus disguising myself as a juniper. The only downfall was that the marshmallow cream attracted hornets and I was stung repeatedly. Having no contacts or relations in Belfast, I was forced to live off the land surviving off of little small rocks and the droppings of rodents. It was only 3 months later that I was adopted by a family of river otters who taught me to break open hard-shelled aquatic anthropods and mollusks using a large flat rock. Another time, I was involved in a scam raising rabbits for fun and profit, and to make a long story short, it didn’t work so good…so I tried to raise the dead instead. That didn’t work so good either, but I escaped financial burden as I came up with a great idea by spray painting the cadavers black and selling them to the city as speed bumps. Other cadavers were then sold to the Mexican government as piñata’s... ...I deeply apologize for my whimsical nonsense, and not taking this profile serious, it will not happen again... It’s just that when I sold the cadavers to the Mexican government as pinata’s I was arrested, and during my twenty years of imprisonment by the Mexican government, on such frivolous charges as “The Public Beheading of Newts” and “The illegal transportation of dead people”, I was forced to carve splinters removed from the feet of migrant farm workers, into images of Jesus, and work the fields of corn. It was during this time that I was befriended by a porpoise who taught me to speak fluent Spanish. One day, whilst I was working in the corn fields I had an idea of pure genius on how to escape by wrapping myself in the moist discarded husks’ of the corn and lie silently in the field as a “Tamale Grande”. It worked flawlessly, and soon I was once again fending for myself in a land unknown. I lived in the “red district” of Tijuana finding odd jobs here and there, such as opening bottles of Corona, and other Mexican beers with my man-gina. With my passport taken away by the Mexican police, I was unable to return to my beloved homeland, so I decided to live under the sea. For three years I doggie-paddled in the waters of the pacific. I looked like a goddamn prune or something. Following the migration of the gray whale, I made my way into the Mediterranean, where I was caught in a fishing net off the coast of Italy, and to make a long story short, I was imprisoned by a hyper-obese Italian family who forced me to make pasta 18 hours a day using nothing but a Play-Doh fun factory and a crochet needle. Covering myself with strands of raw pasta and swallowing a bottle of “Ipecac”, I escaped by impersonating a poisonous sea anemone. It’s just silly I tell you…silly. So in closing, I once again apologize for my behavior and my previous ranting and promise you that I do take this profile seriously and it will not happen again....Drunk you say?....damn straight I am!