lordy, lordy....my grandad used to drive down me to hazelbrook farm and make me drown various animals in refuse sacks....my granny thinks that machines with electrical properties were invented purely for the frying of hampsters and drinks three tumblers of dust every day...... she collects ghost faces and then blames them for laddering her tights......my aunty once caught me shitting on her favourite cat's head while it was asleep......the cat went blind and i was sued..... i have a very strange uncle - he fed on nothing but human eyes and spiders eggs for the best part of 60 odd years.......to this day, only my uncle knows what a fanny buckle is.....my own eating habits also became varied....i often spent many a long weekend in my cousin's house.......for months on end i would eat tons of eyebrow dandruff from their triangular-shaped heads and ended up with toilet paper-coloured skid-marks.....my uncle biffo made me and my brothers shoot half-dead roadkill with peg guns and then made us cook their corspes and feed them to people who weren't from ireland and didn't know any better.......my immediate family is nearly as bad - my dad was born with what scientists might call 'natural mittens', and could never hold a pencil nor biro........my mother has the leg muscles of a bazilian frog - many a time have i seen her kick the head clean off a newsreader or a taxidriver or a dentist or someone of equal threat...... my older brother, mave, grew a pair of hawk wings on his hips when he was only 12 - good at rounders, bad at cinema seats........he has a robotic jaw - it is disgusting.....my youger brother, merman, who is half man, half fish and half rhino, walks around with a bag of sawn-off tits and is constantly getting his mickey stuck in the vcr.....he genuinely thinks he has super powers and carrys with him, pieces of timber which he believes contain magical properties........ my other younger brother,( no member of my family ever speaks about him ),referred to simply as number 5, is locked away up in the attic where he is held together with bits of bailing twine......he has numberous legs, walks like a crab and speaks 16 different languages......every valentines day, my dad fetches number 5 from the attic and brings him down into the house where the whole family kick the shit out of him like a demented reptile......i, for the most part, am sound.....there is nothing strange about me, only that my body is covered in knuckles and i have a massive tooth growing out of my back....i also have a headless dog who can jump 8 foot into the air, attach itself to the postman's face like those wierd things in alien and lay eggs in the postman's gullet.
