hope. [jesyka illyzahbieth]â„¢

!@#$%^&*! Prologue.
JESYKA. Not JESSICA. Or I'll shoot you in the face.
I'm always looking for a deeper meaning. If you look out your window, there's more there than what you see. I love going to Warped Tour just to rub shoulders with people I feel are my equals. It's nice to feel like I belong somewhere. I want to be a singer, a writer, an activist, an artist, and own a bakery, all at the same time. I like to listen to Imogen Heap when it's raining. I hated my philosophy class but it made me realize how philosophical I am. It's only a chair because we say it is. I hate all things Twilight. Harry Potter will always dominate. I'm double-majoring in English (which is probably why the rest of my profile is so long-winded haha) and alternative medicine. It used to be psychology until I realized I don't like anything that ends in -ology. I take vitamins every day. I'm obsessive-compulsive about my hair and if I really like how it looks, I won't wash it for 2-3 weeks; I'll just sleep on it then freshen it up when I wake up. That being said, I'm completely enamored with the hippie culture and everything associated with it. I want a tree-loving hippie boy with long hair who gets dirty and makes me jewelry. We would sleep outside and wake up with sunshine in our eyes. I'm extremely liberal and open-minded. Close-mindedness and judgement get us nowhere. The only Republican thing about me is that I believe in God. I'm obsessed with celebrities and all the wacky things they do and say. I curse quite a lot. I am completely hedonistic. I am completely masochistic. They often occur at the same time. I will inevitably quote an episode of Seinfeld or a Judd Apatow movie or Juno at least once a day. I read the dictionary for fun. Reality television is rotting my brain but I can't stop watching. I'm planning on getting many tattoos and many piercings. My ears are gauged to a 00; I think I'll stop at 1 1/4 inch. I am hardcore straight edge; read more below. I take Myspace and Facebook way too seriously, and I pour my heart and soul out on them, even though I'm pretty sure no one cares. When I was small, I once fingerpainted all over my nursery walls with my own poop.
If there was a store called My Chemical Romance, what would it sell?
Chapter One.
In Greek mythology, Pandora was the first woman on earth. Zeus ordered Hephaestus, the god of craftsmanship, to create her and he did, using water and earth. The gods endowed her with many talents; Aphrodite gave her beauty, Apollo music, Hermes persuasion, and so forth. Hence her name: Pandora, "all-gifted". Pandora was married to Prometheus. When Prometheus stole fire from heaven, Zeus took vengeance by presenting Pandora to Epimetheus, Prometheus' brother. With her, Pandora had a jar which she was not to open under any circumstance. Impelled by her natural curiosity, Pandora opened the jar, and all evil contained escaped and spread over the earth. She hastened to close the lid, but the whole contents of the jar had escaped, except for one thing which lay at the bottom, and that was Hope. Pandora was ordered to leave Hope in the box because it was the biggest evil. It was believed by the ancient Greeks that Hope is a false feeling that does not help a person. But when the Earth was drowning in sadness, jealousy, hate, and greed, Pandora was then allowed to let out Hope. People gained this gift and the world was good again.
I am a strong believer in the concept of hope. If you know me well enough, you know this haha. I have statues and figurines and whatever else I can find that say 'hope' all over my bedroom and my myspace name/email address/many online usernames have 'hope' in them. People even call me Hope! My main reason for believing in it so much is because, to me, one can be as depressed as possible about their current situation, but as long as one stays hopeful, they have that one thing left to hold on to. To me, hope is a life jacket. You could not know how to swim and not be able to hold your breath for longer than 5 seconds, but as long as you're wearing that life jacket, you can stay afloat. You can lose your job and break up with your partner and lose your house, but if you stay hopeful that things will get better, then those negative parts of your life won't consume you. When you lose hope, you lose everything.
Chapter Two.
I've just graduated college (May 15th, 2009) and it was one of the best moments ever. I'm so proud of myself for sticking with it for the last 4 years, even through all of the bazillion times I wanted to throw in the towel. There were so many moments when I just wanted to die. The one thing that pissed me off the most was realizing I could have graduated a year early, had I just gotten one letter grade higher in a biology class. I had to have two science classes for my associates in arts (why you need TWO SCIENCE classes for an ARTS degree, I'll never know). I got a D in biology, so after I took anatomy in the spring of 2008, I had to take one more, so I chose astronomy (which sucked, by the way lol) for the fall of 2008. But when last semester ended, I still had grant money left over, and my parents made me take another full-time semester to use it up. So had I just gotten a C in that biology class, I wouldn't have had to take astronomy, and have money left over to use. But, ironically, after bitching and moaning about how much I didn't want to go back to school, this has easily been the best semester of my college career. Figures. lol Being in art, alternative medicine, yoga, and religions really opened my eyes. To quote Kelsey, it was my zen semester! =] I grew a lot over the past 5 months. I've even decided to go to an alternative medicine school, possibly in addition to majoring in English. I have a huge desire to change the world, and I think signing up for that alternative medicine class was the first step on that path.
Chapter Three.
I am quite obsessed with Britney Spears. Like....fer serious. haha. I've loved her since "...Baby, One More Time" came out a decade ago. I do believe she's the only artist I've liked so much for so long. I get those Google alerts in my email every day so I can read new things about her, I rip articles out of magazines that aren't mine, just because they mention her, and I pretty much idolize her. Why her, you ask? Of all people to look up to? Because I've never really been attracted to people who have it all together. That's boring. I'm fully aware of how messed up Britney is, but I find it endearing. And watching her bounce back the way she has is really inspiring. I pretty much grew up with Britney Spears always being around me in some way, so she's just a part of my life. I totally sound like a stalker right now. hahaha. Whatever, Britney Spears is effing rad; if you don't like her, you can suck my middle finger. I know you want to.
Chapter Four.
Music is my favorite thing in the whole world. I can't go a day without listening to music. My biggest dream is to be a singer, something like Hayley Williams or Brody Dalle or Regina Spektor. I want to make people as happy listening to my music as other people's music has made me. My dad tells me stories of how I used to stare at pictures of Stevie Nicks from Fleetwood Mac when I was small because I was obsessed with her, or how "Yellow Submarine" was my favorite song and I sang it all the time. A lot of memories from my past include music; when I was 10 or 11 years old, I would listen to 104.7 KZZP and Mix 96.9 religously so I could hear Hootie and the Blowfish, Blues Traveler, Sublime, and Collective Soul (90s alt rock is amazing <3) while I hung out with my dad. The first collage I ever made had pictures of Madonna and Doris Day on it because I already knew who they were, and I already loved them. My favorite day of the week in kidnergarten was when we had music class with Ms. Wagner, and she would put on "Achy Breaky Heart" and just let us dance around the room for an hour. When I was 11 years old, my friend Mikelle Biggs was kidnapped, and one of the few things that got me through it was listening to *NSYNC and Britney Spears; their music made me so happy (don't hate!). Music has really shaped my life into what I am now. I constantly have a new favorite song (right now: "Poker Face" by Lady GaGa and "Valium Knights" by Spinnerette) or I'm youtube-ing music videos or performances from American Idol (which is my favorite show, by the way haha). I love watching off-the-wall movies and quirky television shows just so I can hear new cool music to add to my collection. I currently own 326 CDs and they are my most prized possessions. When I have money, 99.9% of the time, it goes towards new albums. Of anything I could get right now, I mostly want the new Lily Allen, The Airborne Toxic Event, and 3OH!3 albums! I'd rather have new music than clothes or jewelry. My iPod has been one of the coolest gifts I've ever received and I don't go anywhere without it. There have just been so many times when I'm depressed or angry, and I listen to songs that fit my mood to get over it, and a little while later, I feel good again. Nothing can give me a high quite like music can. Thank God for the invention of music, I don't know where I'd be without it.
Chapter Five.
I am hardcore straight edge. I do not drink, smoke cigarettes, do any kind of illegal drug, smoke hookah, drink caffeinated drinks (including coffee and tea), or eat fish. I have never been drunk in my life and I've made a couple mistakes with marijuana, I will admit. I WILL NEVER DRINK WITH YOU, PARTY WITH YOU, GET HIGH WITH YOU, ETC. SO DON'T ASK. I have been doing my research since I decided to be straight edge (when I was 16), contrary to popular belief, and that's how I came to the decision to be straight edge. The main reason I don't partake in those things is because I would hate myself for doing something that I swore I wouldn't do because I think it's wrong. Not wrong for everyone, everyone has their own thoughts, but wrong for me. I don't feel like I'm meant to drink or smoke or do drugs, etc. I feel like I'm meant to keep my body clean so I can tell others who don't have clean bodies what it's like. I just feel as though I am meant to do this, and doing the opposite would feel uncomfortable and wrong. A guy on myspace told me once that just from reading my views on straight edge on my page made him want to stop drinking. That's the most amazing thing I've ever heard. This is what I'm meant to do. I've had boyfriends get kicked out of school for doing drugs; I've had friends go to parties and get their drinks spiked with heroin and cocaine, then wake up days later and not know where they are; I've watched friends go from being skinny to gaining massive amounts of weight from doing drugs; I've lost friends because of my mistakes I've made with marijuana; I've hung out with drunk friends and been embarrassed to be around them because they're acting like idiots; I've lost so much respect for so many people. I have little to no respect for people who like to get high off their asses or who get drunk and barf every weekend. MYTH: Pot isn't bad for you because it's natural. Hmm, you know what else is natural? ARSENIC. (Google it.) Plus, smoking one joint does the same amount of damage to your lungs as five cigarettes. I don't care who you are; if alcohol and/or drugs translate to a good time for you, you're a tool. Friends used to try to joke with me, saying they were going to be the first person to get me drunk, or that we were going to "party" on my 21st birthday. That just makes me want to hang out with you less. If that's the only way you can have fun, you have a sorry life indeed. I thoroughly dislike when people use the excuse that they want to forget their problems. If you hate your life that much, go effing do something about it instead of slowly killing yourself. And if you want to feel good at a party, drink a Red Bull. Seriously, it's not that hard to avoid. I think drugs are pretty self-explanatory. I don't think hallucinating and falling on your ass are good forms of fun. And if you've read this entire self-indulgent blah blah, then I won't talk about it again; if you don't shove your beliefs down my throat, I won't shove mine down yours. Unless, of course, you ask.
Chapter Six.
I am an extremely emotional, thoughtful, deep person, and I often hide it. Things bottle up, then I eventually have some sort of breakdown. No one ever knows 100% how I feel about something unless we get into a fight or they read about it on my myspace. I'm so afraid of telling people what I really think because I think I'll get judged, get yelled at, lose a friend, etc. And if I've tried opening up to you about something but you constantly tear me down, I will close right up and not talk to you again. I might talk about meaningless things, but nothing to do with my opinions or your opinions. I know it will all just piss me off, so I stay quiet. Only if you've truly shown me you can accept me and not berate me is when I'll tell you how I feel. I know a lot of nosy people, and they all like to know my business. So I finally give in and tell them what they want to know so they'll shut up, then they tell me why it's wrong, stupid, unattractive, retarded, or untalented. I don't get it. So I just keep my mouth shut. If I wanted your opinion I'd ask for it. Which I rarely do. Or I say what I think about something and the person I'm talking to is too stupid to know what I'm talking about. They'll give me a confused look and I'll feel stupid because I'll think it's my fault for being stupid. I know I'm smart, I just have a problem with sharing things. I often stall when answering a question because I'm trying to make it sound perfect so the person talking to me won't think I'm ignorant. That's why I like writing so much. Poetry, short stories, blogs, myspace about me's, whatever =] If I have a chance to truly express myself without having to risk seeing the disappointed, mad, or confused look on your face, I'll take it.
Chapter Seven.
I've started to become more interested in the things that go on around me. A couple years ago, I didn't give a rat's ass about Barack Obama or malaria in Africa or the environment. But I was ignorant. Over the last couple years or so, I've educated myself on as much as I can. Most importantly, I am strongly in favor of Barack Obama (read more below). Also, after watching Idol Gives Back a last year, one of my life goals is to visit Africa to help in some way. I don't know what I could do there, but I really want to help in some way. I don't just want to give money, I want to physically make a difference. Those are my big issues lately, but other things I'm interested in are gay rights, animal cruelty, alcohol and drug abuse, and the environment. I'm not very knowledgable yet, but I'm definitely working on it.
Chapter Eight.
I didn't used to give a damn about politics or the president. Until Barack Obama came along. I have never advocated a political figure as much as I advocate him. I have so much respect for him, maybe more than I've ever had for another person. I will stand up for him in any discussion or arguement if I'm so provoked. I appreciate that he is open-minded and young, and I think younger people (teens, 20s) will appreciate that after having the last 8 years with a narrow-minded president. It's important to capture the attention of young people because we're the ones who are most easily influenced, not people my parents' age. [If every person ages 18-24 voted, that age group alone could determine who the next president would be.] We're the next generation, and we need someone like Obama who can listen to our ideas and prepare us for the future. McCain already had his ideas solidified in his mind, he only wanted to be involved with people his age who would agree with him. I also think Obama is very qualified, with being on the Illinois State Senate and graduating Magna Cum Laude from Harvard Law. Last summer I read A Promise of Change, his biography, and I'm so impressed with how far he's come so quickly and what a determined, forward-thinking man he is. He is what we need, there is no doubt in my mind. I'm at the point now where I don't care if I piss someone off with my views; if you don't like it, don't talk to me. It's time for a revolution. YES WE CAN.
Chapter Nine.
"Your sign is that of sensitive Cancer, the fourth sign of the zodiac, the sign characterized by deep feelings and protectiveness. You are known for being nurturing, hospitable, and imaginative, and all your effort goes into making your home a safe place for you and the people you cherish. The Moon, is the ruler of your sign, and makes you a very intuitive and empathetic person. Like the ebb and flow of the tides, you are both receptive to those you love and willing to offer comfort in return. Being the first of the water signs you have psychic powers, and are able to sense feelings and thoughts in others - you feel rather than think. When you love someone, you love truly and deeply, and have the desire to connect on a profound level. As a Cancer, you rule the fourth house, the sector of the horoscope that describes your emotional roots, your home, your childhood, and your parent of lesser influence, usually your father. Most of all, the fourth house stands for attunement to your inner self. Your sign is a cardinal sign, which means that your parental instincts compel you to protect and fight for the security of your loved ones. You thrive on drama, and get stronger in situations of crisis. Your strengths lie in your ability to adapt and cooperate, and your wonderful way of providing comfort. You are devoted and selfless in your dealings with others, which makes you a very dependable person. Since you are attuned to your unconscious, you have a strong imagination and are in touch with your intuition. One of your weaknesses is that you can get hypersensitive and moody when someone fails to show you their love and appreciation. In situations of insecurity, you sometimes show immature, manipulative, and even tyrannical behavior, and others could see you as overly possessive and dependent."
Epilogue.
I am a complete dichotomy. I'll choose one path today, then tomorrow, I'll choose the exact opposite. I constantly contradict myself and I rather enjoy it. It used to bother me but I've realized: it's just the way I am. And I'm okay with who I am, for the first time in my life. I'm a social butterfly, I'm antisocial. I'm hyper, I'm lazy. I'm giving, I'm selfish. I'll be confused as hell about who I am one day, then think I have it all figured out the next day. That's just who I am. But as I said, I'm okay with never fully figuring myself out. It wouldn't feel like me if I did. I'm perfectly fine with searching. It just means I get to spend the rest of my life testing every aspect of life that I can, and I get to find all of the things that make me happy. And seriously, who doesn't want to be happy?
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