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1. Undunda
Polynesian muse for the great Chinese artist Go Bo Wai. Derived from the Barbadoodian phrase "saysay un dundaah," it translates into "Keep your dog out of my garden because he is eating my radishes." She is the epitome of beauty in ancient China and is included in one way or another in all of Go Bo Wai's art work. Go Bo Wai's art work spans across the entirety of the Mandarin empire. His greatest work is a nine-foot-tall statue of his muse, Undunda, in the lobby of the Imperial Palace Bar & Grill in downtown Shanghai. It was originally located in the actual Imperial Palace until it was pillaged by Mongolians and disappeared for over 200 years. It reappeared centuries later under a flight of stairs at JFK International Airport. Today there stands a plaque honoring the brave soldiers who uncovered the mystery of the Lost Treasure of Shanghai, as it became known. Hailed as the most famous mystery since Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys companion set. Go Bo Wai was widely celebrated as the most influential Chinese artist and philosopher since Confucious himself. The identity of Undunda and whether or not she actually existed is as mysterious as the death of Queen Amidala in Star Wars Episodes I, II, and III.
An interview with an art history professor at Cal State Northridge:
Professor: "I believe that Go Bo Wai changed the world with his beautiful mosaics and fingerpaintings of the legendary muse Undunda."
Art History Major: "Yes, Undunda is depicted as the finest muse in all the land. I worship Undunda every night. I light candles and incense."
1. Go Bo Wai
"I Go Bo Wai!" These were the first words of the great Text of the Sun. This book, one of twenty-two, was the Chinese philosopher Go Bo Wai's greatest work. Born of a goat and a flower, as legends say, he is hailed as the greatest philosopher since Confucius himself. His childhood was deeply troubled: His mother, Wis Wai Yu Go, and his father, Go Wan Wai were both poor merchants. They sold novelty tea sets for funerals, which, obviously, was quite a distasteful fetish at the time, unlike it is today. When Go Bo Wai was born, his parents took up dirt-farming, which, suprisingly, was less profitable. His sister Go Noo Wai, his brother Go Ah Wai, and their baby brother, Hermaf Ri Dite, (Or Hermy, as they called him), were all diagnosed with several diseases, including, but not limited to, childhood obesity, Cox's pox, hysterical pregnancy, debilitating overbites, and severe depth perception impairment. Go Bo Wai, though, somehow made it through his childhood with minimal terminal congenital diseases and few facial lesions. Sadly, his brothers and sister all died in, respectively, a freak abbacus accident, hysterical childbirth, and dehydration caused by sonic diarrhea: "the noisy killer." Go Bo Wai and his dog, Frankenpoopenmeyer, traveled across the known world in search of enlightenment, where he discovered the Polynesian beauty, Undunda. She became his muse. Together they conqured the world-- through beauty and sickeningly excessive lovemaking. Today we can thank Go Bo Wai for his many contributions to modern philosophy, art, and technology (He invented the derigible, the color "blue," the modern-day sweater, electricity, as well as ethnic profiling at airports. He was laid to rest in the year 666, which many insist is a sign for the coming of Doom's Day, then, others graciously stone those naysayers to death. Go Bo Wai died in the Massacre of St. Morticia, and is buried in one of many mass-graves at St. Morticia's Library for the Blind. A single axe-wielder butchered 700 blind people in one day, who were listening to Go Bo Wai give a speech on the wonders of visual art, and was accidentally lumped in with the blinds. Tragically, no one saw it coming. He shall be deeply missed by all.
"I Go Bo Wai!"
--Go Bo Wai, Text of the Sun, Book II, Line XXVI
