I'm Mandy. I'm on the up and up.
I Was, I Am, I'LL BE!
In a moment of desperation for normality, I gave in to a simple suggestion. "Just fuck it all. Burn it all in the fire." And quite literally, I did. I wasen't sober, but I was deffinitly thinking clear. I was thinking "this is what I need." I was never going to move forward with all the lists and thoughts and rituals and the writing, the repetition and obsessions with tiny details that would never matter in the long run. I was so done with the endless excuses and procrastination. It was sickening; Just a vicious, disguisting cycle of destroying myself slowly. So last night, 9/11/09, I took a step that would be so important for me- and I was sure not to miss even one tiny paper. I felt so empowered as I fed my chains to the flames, sometimes one by one to savor it, and sometimes stacks at once to speed up the process. As the fire grew and ate my own personal hell alive, I felt more like a human, and less like a slave. I have two witnesses to this act of honor, but the weight was lifted from my shoulders alone. Now, waking up this morning at 9-something-am, earlier than ever, I'm not sure what to think about this, or how to feel. Looking at the piles of ashes in the fire pit, bits of missed paper wet and soggy from the rain all night, it kind of has a depressing aura around it. Now that I don't have the dominance of myself through third person, I feel lost; Like a dog without it's master. I'm afraid I'll forget things. I'm afraid I won't know what's what. I don't trust my memory or nature to pull anything through. But if it does for every other human being, then it must be able to for me. I've got mixed emotions. I'm relieved, anxious, worried, confused, awkward, and a little in denial. But sure enough, if I were to go outside right now and look in that fire pit, the ashes would be there. And if I went into any of my boxes, baskets, computer, phone, in my purse, or wherever I kept all the shit, I would find nothing. So is this freedom, or am I gonna go crazy? I guess I'll just have to give myself time to adjust. It's a whole new world out there for me now. And hey, I've come this far, so why stop here? I should just dive into everything, 'just do what I want! I've really got nothing else left to lose. I lost years worth of OCD, just in one 10-minute fire, that's pretty liberating. So I have to get in touch with the freedom, hop on the wave and ride. Do or die. There are so many things I've been waiting to do, but I wasen't waiting for anything. Nothing big and magical was ever going to happen, it was all in my mind. Now I put mind over matter, and realize it's me and me alone who has to make life occur. I've been talking like "my time is comming" for so long, but my "time" was never going to come, until I made it come. And I just did, last night. Ironicly, it wasen't finishing everything that made my time come, but it was the exact opposite. Burn, baby, burn. So here I sit, 10am, only 7 or so hours into "my time", and so now what? Well, I guess that would be up to me. Bring on the real world..
