A DIRECT MALE DESCENDANT OF THE GUY WHO OWNED DRED SCOTT, I WAS CONCEIVED AS RESULT OF A GANG INITIATION (MY PARENTS WERE CRIPS). I FOUGHT OFF SEVERAL ATTEMPTS BY MY MOTHER TO TERMINATE ME IN THE WOMB WITH RUSTY COAT HANGERS, BROOMSTICKS, AND SOCCER KICKS. I HUNG ON JUST LONG ENOUGH TO GROW ARMS AND LEGS. AS SOON AS I TAUGHT MYSELF HOW TO CRAWL, I FLED THE WOMB. I CRAWLED MY WAY TO MANHATTAN AND SPENT MY FORMATIVE YEARS AS AN UNLICENCED STAND-UP COMEDIAN IN SHADY GREENWICH VILLAGE LOUNGES. I STOLE MOST OF MY MATERIAL FROM LAFFY TAFFY WRAPERS, BUT THE LOUNGE PATRONS WERE TOO HOMELESS TO CARE. BY THE TIME I HIT 12, I HAD SAVED UP ENOUGH MONEY TO ENROLL MYSELF INTO A PUBLIC SCHOOL. ONCE I ACCLIMATIZED TO ACADEMIA, I SLEPT MY WAY TO THE TOP . AS IS OFTEN THE CASE, ONCE I REACHED THE TOP, MY DOWNFALL BEGAN. WHEN I FINALLY HIT ROCK BOTTOM, I LEARNED HUMILITY AND THE ART OF LOVE. IRONICALLY ENOUGH, I CRAWLED MY WAY OUT FROM THE BOTTOM AND MADE IT BACK TO SEA LEVEL, WHERE I CURRENTLY RESIDE, GIVE OR TAKE 9 STORIES.
BY DAY I SLEEP. BY NIGHT I WORK AT A HIP WEST VILLAGE BAR WHERE I MIX A MEAN SEX ON THE BEACH, AND AM SOMETIMES MISTAKEN FOR GAY BECAUSE I... WELL, QUITE FRANKLY BECAUSE I ACT REAL GAY. BUT REST ASSURED, I AM SO SECURE IN MY HETEROSEXUALITY THAT I COULD FUCK A MAN RIGHT IN THE ASS AND NOT THINK TWICE ABOUT IT.
(I WILL PUT A PICTURE UP JUST AS SOON AS I FIGURE OUT HOW TO OBSCURE THE FACT THAT MY LEFT LEG IS 37 INCHES SHORTER THAN MY RIGHT. DON'T WORRY LADIES, I HAVE ALL MY TOES!!!!!777)
