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If you didn't know before, you know now. I'm Maccorley Mathieu. I was born in Kings County Hospital in Brooklyn. At the time, my mom was only 20 years old when she gave birth to me. Both of my parents are kind and generous people. I get my looks from my mom, and my sense of humor from my dad. My dad is a very funny and serious person. When I was little, he frightened me with the belt. Every time I did something bad he would give me a spanking to teach me a lesson. The belt was the devil. It was very possessive. Whenever I broke something or said a curse word, the belt was always there to influence my father to whip me. As soon as I did something very bad, the belt just flew into my fathers hands. When he would hit me with the belt, my whole body would fall apart. Sometimes I couldn't find my arm, so I would put one of my legs where the missing arm was. I deserved those spankings because I was a problem child. My parents had to deal with more problem children because I had three younger brothers and one younger sister. They were always making a lot of noise in the house. They were wild and crazy like I was.
I used to live with an extended family. My aunt, uncle, and grandfather all lived with us when I was little. Then one day they just left my house and went to live in different states to get away from my crazy ass. I love all my relatives. My aunt is sweet. She used to take me places and buy me stuff when she lived with us. My grandpa was the best. He is one of those grandfathers that reminds you of Santa Claus. If you've been nice, he'll give you a present. If you've been naughty, he won't give you shit. My grandfather gives me a lot of money. I don't know what it is but grandparents always have money. My grandpa hasn't worked in ten years but he always has tons of money in his wallet. I love my uncle but he's a crack head. He's done crack and many other drugs. My family does not like my uncle. Every time my uncle came to visit, we moved. My uncle has smoked crack, drinks liquor, has illegitimate children, doesn't pay child support, but he's never been to jail. I love all my family even though they can be a pain in the neck.
When I was five years old I was one of those kids that had ADHD, but I was never diagnosed. I was constantly doing something bad and getting in trouble. The only time I was not getting into trouble was when I was watching cartoons. I loved cartoons when I was that age. Watching cartoons on Saturday morning was fun and adventurous for me. At times I felt like I was actually in the cartoon. My favorite cartoon was Thundercats. I had the biggest crush on Cheetara. I dont care if she was a cartoon character, she was fine. Cartoons was a big part of my life during this time and so was candy. I loved candy so much. I loved candy so much that if I saw a piece a candy on the street, I would pick it up and eat it. I didn't care. I was a candy addict. Candy was like a drug to me. I needed Skittles, M&Ms, Sour Power, and Now and Laters to satisfy my addiction. Candy and cartoons was all that I cared about.
I had a babysitter who looked after me during the daytime. I had a crush on the babysitter. She was the best babysitter in the world. She was 16 years old and she was very pretty and attractive. She was so nice to me. She used to buy me ice cream and watch cartoons with me. I really liked her. I wanted to get her pregnant but I was only five years old. So I couldn't. But then, some other guy got her pregnant....and that guy was my uncle.
When I entered Kindergarten, I couldn't watch my favorite daytime shows and cartoons anymore because I had to go to school. I was a bad kid in Kindergarten. I was a brat! I used to curse in the class and all the kids would say, "Ooooh, he said a curse". Then they would tell the teacher and get me in trouble. The teacher would make me stand in front of the whole class and apologize. I felt like an idiot. I felt like crying because all the kids would make fun of me when I stood in front of the class. But I don't blame the kids, I blame the teacher Mrs. Grannon. I hated her from the beginning. From the time I pooped in my pants and stunk up the whole classroom, she despised me. I couldn't stand her and she couldn't stand me. She would always yell at me and make me stand in that damn corner. I felt like body slamming her. I hope she's not teaching right now, because she'll make a kid who is just starting kindergarten want to drop out.
I had fun in elementary school. I liked going to school to joke with my friends and look up girls skirts. At that time for me, looking up girls skirts was better than going to Disney land. Not even Mickey Mouse was having the kind of fun I was having. I attended P.S. 152. I had my first girl friend in that school. The reason she became my girlfriend was because I let her have my peanut butter sandwiches that my mom made for me to eat at lunch. I liked her a lot until she started going out with the boy who had tuna fish sandwiches. I drew a lot when I was in elementary school. Since I collected comic books and cards, I drew Marvel superheroes and my own superheroes. I was the best artist in my third grade class. I was constantly asked by my teacher to draw posters and pictures for the school. I had the biggest crush on my teacher. She was so kind and sweet. I think she wanted me but I was too young for her. Once, she gave me a kiss on the cheek for finishing a beautiful school play poster. She made a little boy like me feel like a man. I'll never forget her.
During the time I was in elementary school, I had a serious bladder problem. I used to wet my bed a lot. I used to wet my bed so much that my parents had to buy a new mattress for me every week. But I stopped wetting my bed at night because my parents told me that Santa Claus wouldn't bring me anything for Christmas if I didn't stop. So, I began to pee on myself during the day. I couldn't control my bladder. The pee pee had to come out. Because of this bladder problem, I had to wear baby diapers until I was 12 year old. While all the other kids had on briefs and boxers, I had on Huggies. It was embarrassing. Those baby diapers gave me so many wedgies. I hated wearing them but I had to. I remember when I was in fifth grade, I accidentally fell on the floor in the class. When I fell, my baby diapers were exposed and all the kids saw this and started making fun of me. They were like, "ill, he has on baby diapers. That's disgusting". Even the teacher was like, "ill, he has on baby diapers. That's disgusting". I said to them, "You're just mad because I have on pampers and you don't". They continued making fun of me. I was very angry. I got so mad I pooped in my pants and stunk up the whole classroom again. Then I took off my baby diapers and left it on the teacher's desk.
One of the saddest days of my life was when I graduated from elementary school. I was in fifth grade and the next year I was going to go to junior high school. It was tough because I knew things would not be the same like they were in elementary.
I attended Ditmas Junior High school. I had a bad time in that school my first year. My first year there as a sixth grader was horrible. I think I set a school record for suspensions. I was always getting in trouble for things like: not doing my homework, fighting, and cutting school. I cut school a lot during sixth grade. I would spend a day at Coney Island on the rides and the beach. Although I always got in trouble my first year, my second and third year wasn't that bad. In my senior year there, I got my first kiss from some girl in the staircase. I practically had to climb up her to kiss her. The junior high prom was the best. The kids there were dancing so close to each other. Some of the girls were backing up their butts like a car trying to fit in a parking space. I even remember sandwiching a girl on the dance floor. It was fun that night. But once again, I was going to graduate and go to a new school.
During the summer, before High School, I met this pretty girl in my neighborhood named Sandra. We started hanging out and talking. Soon we became boyfriend and girlfriend. I really liked Sandra but she was a freak. She would always flash her breasts and ask me to pop her cherry. I didn't know what she meant by popping her cherry. So, when she would say that to me, I would tell her, "Go pop your own cherry". She was crazy. One day, she invited me to her house when her parents weren't home. There was no doubt in my mind that I knew we were going to do it. I went inside the bedroom with her and we got it on like popcorn. Other than my pillow, she was the first person that I did it with. We did it for two, three hours because we had our clothes on. So, the first time we dry humped. But the next time, we did it for real. No clothes. This time we did it for two and a half minutes.
During this time, I was hitting puberty. My voice was getting deeper. I grew taller, and other weird things were happening to my body. It was a strange time for me. I found myself spending more time playing in the shower (if you know what I mean).
When the summer vacation was over, I attended William E. Grady High School. I hated that school. I had no fun there at all. First of all, I was a geek. I did all my homework, passed all my tests, and I was shy and didn't have many friends. I spent four miserable years at that school. My first two years there, I sat by myself at lunchtime eating lunch and drawing boobs. I tried weed when I was in Grady high school. It was peer pressure, I swear! The first time I smoked weed, it was delicious. It made me feel relaxed and good about myself. The second time I tried it, it didnt have the same effect. I haven't smoked weed since.
My senior year in High School was okay, even though I didn't go to my prom because I didn't have the guts to ask any girl to go with me. That year I took my SATs. I got a 65 on the SATs. I barely passed. My SAT score was good enough to get me into a good community college.
Just Kidding. I went to Brooklyn College, where there was pretty girls and hot lady professors. lol
I attended the American Comedy Institute after I graduated college. I do stand up here and there at comedy clubs in NY. Right now I'm a writer/featured actor for Bonner's Boomers, a sketch group created by Beverly Bonner.I have a day job to support my comedy career. I do 9-5 work during the day and comedy at night. I'm Peter Parker during the day, and Spiderman at night.
The comedic artist known as Maccorley
I'm a comedy writer first, then a stand up comedian. But I don't even consider myself to be a comedian, I'm an artist. I always was and will always be. My comedic style is original and unique. I use what I see and hear in the news, on the TV, or in society and turn those things into jokes, social commentary, or parody and satire. Some people don't get my sense of humor. That's good because that means I'm saying or doings that they've never heard or seen before. Some people may find my jokes or comedy to be offensive. The truth is always offensive. Always! I'm not a shock humorist (although I am a fan of shock humor and incorporate it into my comedy sometimes), I'm a new millennium comic. Everything that is chaotic or outrageous in our society today, my comedy is a representation of that. I say what you think, and do what you feel. I do what you think, and say what you feel.
In a funny way of course. My influences are Richard Pryor (the greatest stand up comedian ever), Chris Rock (the funniest man alive right now), Howard Stern (the greatest radio host and shock jock of all time), Opie and Anthony (the dynamic duo of shock jock radio) and Mark Twain (the greatest humorist of all time). They're all responsible for who I am and what I am today. I'm a nice guy, but I love being the enemy. If you haters out there don't like what I say or do, or don't like me in general, go f*ck yourself. I say what I want, and do what I want. Free speech first (in some cases). Nah, na na na nah.
The sense of humor may be called the mind’s measuring-rod, also its focusing-adjustment. Without it, even the finest mind can make mistakes as to the proportions of things; also, as to the relations of things to each other…
- Mark Twain
(“The Secret History of Eddypusâ€)
Let me tell you the truth. The truth is what is. And what should be is a fantasy, a terrible, terrible lie someone gave the people long ago.
- Lenny Bruce
But man is not made for defeat. A man can be destroyed but not defeated.
-Ernest Hemingway
(“The Old Man and the Seaâ€)
