Scotty Does

I'd like to meet:

god to ask him why he's screwin me over so bad all the timeHOW MEN SHOULD TREAT THEIR WOMEN1. when she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better" this will keep her on her toes. and girls love that.2. never hold her hand. this can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)3. once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. girls are like dogs. they love to be roughed up.4. call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. if she is say "you better be" , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. this will show her you care.5. when she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. this will pave the way for her own personal improvement. and every girl needs some improvement.6. recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. because jewelry is for pussies and asian ladies.7. if you're talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. when she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words FUCK you and grab the other girls ass. girls love competition.8. tell her you're taking her out to dinner. drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. then take her to a burning tire yard. when she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. then drive her home. when she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "…because i can."9. introduce her to your friends as "some chick". women love those special nicknames.10. warm her up when shes cold…and not by giving her your jacket… then you might get cold. rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." the best way to get warm is with fear.11. make her laugh. a good way to do this is if she has a small pet. kick the pet. i always find stuff like that funny. why shouldn't girls?12. let her fall asleep in your arms. when she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. like basketball.13. if you care about her never ever tell her. this will only give her self confidence. then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.14. look her in the eyes and smile. then clock her one. girls love a spontaneous guy.15. if you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. this way she'll think you're mysterious.16. remember her birthday but don't get her something. teach her material objects aren't important. the only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.17. when she gives you a present on your birthday, christmas, or just when ever, take it and tell her you love it. then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. girls actually don't like this one that much but i think it's funny.18. if shes mad at you for not calling her when you say you will promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. this will make sure that she waits by the phone. tell her when you call youre going to tell her a special surprise. now she'll be really excited. don't call.

Music:

Movies:

3 words: A Scanner Darkly

Television:

family guy, aqua teen hunger force, harvey birdman attorney at law, squidbillies, futurama, robot chicken, Malcolm in the middle, my name is earl, grounded for life, two and a half men, all kinds of CSI, seinfeld

Books:

any book by louis l'amour, and Helter Skelter, david baldacci

Heroes:

all my heroes have long since left me behind :'(