ZoNeS

------------------------------------------------------------ ----------------------------------------------------------He llo, everyone in interweb-land.I’m sure that most people who read this blog haven’t heard of me but I’d like to explain to anyone who has wondered where I have been for the last few months what I have been up to.I have been living at home all my life with my Mum and my Gran (I call her Gaga. Laugh it up… I used to call her that since I was 2 years old and it kinda stuck). They’ve always been there for me and I owe them a great deal.About 4 months ago, though, my Gran suffered several minor strokes. This left her confused and in desperate need of medical and household help. We have all been in a state of shock and depression since it began. It’s a very hard situation to be in and I hope that anyone who may be reading this and is in the same boat as we are understands that they are not alone. I know this helps as we were relieved to find people who could advise us as to what directions to go in.My mum hired ‘home-help’ (nurses that arrive at our house to help clean up and keep my Gran clean.) as soon as we’d found out what had happened. They were great and took a lot of the emotional weight off all our backs, but due to my Gran’s confused state, she ordered them away. She didn’t like the fact that she felt patronised and useless. She believed that she could do everything herself and that we could give her any help she needed. Unfortunately her mental state got worse. It was (and still is) almost like she had Alzheimer’s. She can always remember who I am but when my Mum helps her out of bed in the morning, cleans her up, makes her breakfast and generally chats to her, my Gran thinks that each time it is a different person. This upsets my Mum every single time. Nearly every day she cries. I hate seeing her like that and it makes me feel like crying too, but for some reason I find it hard. Instead my hands keep shaking. Whenever I talk to my Gran she mentions things that don’t make any sense, which in turn causes me to feel sad and start shaking, again. It’s a weird emotion that I’m not sure of. I feel so upset that my Gaga is not my Gaga any more. Everyday I feel like I’m mourning her passing, only to be relieved when she’s lucid. This cycle has gone on for a while.Before this happened I quit my job at ‘Dillons’ to travel to Australia with my friend Trev. It was an awesome holiday and wouldn’t have been possible had my Gran and Dad not have helped with travel expenses. Unfortunately, since then I have not been able to find a suitable job. Without money I have not been able pay my way very easily. I went ‘on the dole’ to milk the government of some well-needed dosh, but I feel very bad about this. (I’m sure a lot of people will think ‘DAMN RIGHT!’). I wish I had a job in the field of Art but it’s an extremely hard profession to get into. I hate money, and I hate that I don’t have enough to truly help my Mum and Gran out. This has made me very depressed. It’s not helped out by the fact that one of my ‘friends’ ran away with nearly £700 of our money. I won’t name any names but they are on my friends list. I feel awful most times. I’m not shaky at the moment but I can’t be sure about later on. My Mum is feeling pretty low at the moment, too. It must be so much worse for her. I’d hate to see my Mum in that condition. I don’t think I would be able to handle it. She’s very strong, though.We’re all coping at the moment. On ‘good’ days my Gran mentions what it is like to be in her shoes; ‘It’s like I’m Alice in Wonderland. Every time I walk through a door I’m somewhere completely different and unknown.’I have to say, it’s like that for all of us.