Once upon a time there was a man who masturbated five times each day. This man was me. My life was great and every day was full of joy, peace and harmony. I did what I liked, and did not what I disliked. But then something happened which changed my life completely. On my eighteenth birthday I changed my habits. Since this considerable day I decided to switch from five to four sexual satisfactions each day. It turned out that this was the worst decision I have ever made in my whole damn life.
On the day after my first four-times-masturbation-day my life was ruined. I became afraid of everything. Therefore every living second of my life was full of fear. I couldn’t sleep, I could not walk, I could not sing, I could not talk, I could not lie I could not stand. I tried to stop breathing but I could not manage it, because my silly body forced me to inhale and exhale. In conclusion I crouched in the corner of my bed and didn’t move a bit. I did not move when I was hungry and did not move when was thirsty. After some time it began to stink in my room, because I did not use the proper facility for peeing and shitting. You, my dear reading, perhaps think that I had to die after a few days of lack of liquid, but I did not. I just did not dare to die, because I was too afraid of it.
In the first year of fear I did not have more to do than crouching and being afraid. Because my brain was controlled by my fear I did not think at all. I was not bored, I was not happy, but I was angst.
After the first year of fear I was able to think again, although it was only for a second. In this second I thought of nothing in particular, but it was a great success for me. It took me one month of angst to be able to think again. This time my thinking lasted one minute long, but I could not think of anything else but my fear. In the next few months my condition got better and better until I possessed my brain again. It was mine again. I could think twenty-four hours a day and had nothing to do. I did not have to eat or drink, I did not have to relieve myself and I did not have to die.
The next thing I wanted to do is, to lie down in my bed, because it was uncomfortable to crouch all the time. You may think that this was as easy as it seems but it was not. It was really hard to manage that, because I did not dare to move and my muscles had become extremely weak. I knew that too much movement would cause too much terror. Therefore I had to change my position in one fast movement. It took me one week to get over my fear and finally I managed it to lie down within one second of agony.
After my great progress I was so fucking shocked, that I could not think 3 days long. But eventually I had my brain again and realised, that I lie in my bed and stared at my ceiling. The ceiling had white wallpaper. It was the most beautiful thing I had seen since I remained to not leave my bed. Wallpapers are a good invention, because they can brighten up a room. Then I got a strange feeling, which I could not recall. Suddenly I was happy. I thought that this must be the perfect life. Although I was afraid of everything, it did not bother me, because I did not have to do those things I was afraid of. I was outside of the system and I did not need it anymore. I was completely free and perfectly happy. I was the ultimate ascetic. On the basis of my immortality my being will never end and therefore I was a demigod.
One year of pure thinking passed and I realised, that life makes no sense at all. The only way out of the misery called life is to die. I thought that something must be done to save my small world. The murder of every living being is the salvation for everyone. I had always been a helpful boy, so it was unacceptable for me to commit suicide and let everybody else down.
nosebleed (music by deftones):