B L U O G R A P H Y
Aloha !! Welcome to "B L U 'z" sobriety update . For those that didn't know , I kinda fell off the deepest end this last trip .I managed to disconnect myself from all that were and still are very close to me , burned every bridge and resource available and of course destroyed my own company , leaving myself broker than broke, re-rollin re-rerolled rollies, and twiddling my chronically lighter burned thumbs while sitting in my 1 man tent or giant size body condom I like to call it , thinking "How the Fuck did I get here again!!?"
This has been a common pattern in my life and only up until 2 months ago I've realized that "I was powerless over drugs and alcohol , and My life has indeed become unmanagable. 54 days clean now , people ask me what the difference is this time , the answer is simply , "I've surrendered ", I've surrendered completely , I've let someone else sit in the drivers seat, I'm now simply a passenger in my own vehicle . Yeah , sometimes I freak out and say "look out" !! or try and grab the wheel , or stomp on the invisable breaks on the passenger side, but I've learned to have a little bit of faith in a higher power , that higher power is my newest best friend , my road dog , My homeboy "God".
Although I lack in the religous aspect of my new found relationship , I do understand and believe one thing so far , that there is a creator , and life is too complex to be an accident , and that its going to take God to keep me clean .
This time is different because the missing piece in my puzzle of life was God hence why relaspe was second nature thus far .Now working on building that relationship with God , I pray as often as I can to help me understand and open my spirit, heart ,and mind to accepting Jesus Christ as our Lord and savior.
I know to some of you this is a complete flip flop from what I use to be , or how I use to think rather , but with enough pain and suffering, you'll be suprised to what extent one will go in search of serenity . I know I've found mine , but I haven't forgotten where I come from and I haven't forgotten my disease , and I sure in the hell haven't forgotten what I want in life , like everyone , I hope to one day have that white pickett fence (a couple red ,black and green stripes thrown in just for Flava) re-hash some form of relationship with my very special "Soul Mate" (she knows who she is ),my Mom and of course my lil Girl.
These past 2 months have been more than a struggle for me , it's been an emotional roller coaster , it's been dealing with normal feelings and normal ups and downs without escaping through drugs , God has opened up many doors for me , and Ive filled my plate through everyone of them .This has proven to be the only solution for me as of yet , a heavy diet of AA , NA , Treatment , Volunteer work, Sober living , and school .I run 2 meetings here on the beach , I attend an additional 2 per day , I'm in a 3 hr treatment class twice a week , a Cultural program which ranges from 3-6 hrs sometimes , twice a week , I see a head doctor once a week , a counsler 1 a week , volunteer work once a week , big book /12 step study once a week ,Bible study once a week , just yesterday becoming a "GSR" or general service rep for the west of the island , which simply means I'm the voice for my groups on in this area when it comes to politics in the fellowship , and last but not least working on a scholarship and or a grant to get my certificate in counsling (CSAC) certified substance abuse counsler , NUTS huh!! Hows that for a muh fuckin update .
Anyways I hope that was the last time I had to fall backward in order to move forward , with a lil bit of patience desire and prayer , Im sure God will keep me safe . P e a c e
"God Grant Me The Serenity To Accept The Things I Can Not Change , The Courage The Things I Can, And The Wisdom To Know The Difference"