"I think I spent 30 years of my life, trying to become something, I wanted to become good at things, I wanted to become good at tennis, I wanted to become good at school and grades and everything I could do, in that perspective, I'm not okay the way I am but if I got good at things. I realized I had the game wrong, because the game was to find out what I already was."
---Richard Alpert
I have reached several conclusions. A world of limitless possibilities has waned to those options dictated by the choices I have made. Thus, I have realized that a man answers only to the consequences of his actions. Instead of lamenting over lost opportunity. I must create a new matrix choices with the future's unwritten challenges to provide a life that is closer to the one I have hoped for.
Everything that I have placed importance on in the past, is the exact antithesis of what is actually important. The materialistic gain; the validation of self through others; and the emulation of an untamed, extremist, rebel persona all are functions of my dysfunction. I have been focused far too long on the destination rather than observing the steps of the journey. It is in this observation, that we gain a true understanding of the world we live in; and, as a result, become closer to controlling our own existence instead of the world within which we exist controlling us. I have always wanted to be different than the masses playing the devil's advocate for as long as I can remember. It seems now that I understand that conventionality does not in any way dim the luminosity of my individual identity.
I have come to root myself and being to prepare to have a family of my own. I have found a significant other who accepts me for all my faults (and there are quite a few!!!), instead of me trying to be something that someone wants. And that is the definition of true love, acceptance. Krissy is my heart and I could never really see myself with anyone else. With that being said, I change now to better myself for the love of my life, not to be loved by others. It is fulfilling to leave behind the journey, living out of backpack, to come to root myself in a place where I have my woman by my side.
Through the past decade I have tried to find so many things. I guess I was looking for this great enlightenment that never came to fruition. There was never that one particular moment where you have an epiphany and everything just makes sense. This moment never comes; you just sort of keep fucking up until you have a pretty definitive list of what not to do. I waited for that one movement to happen for the longest time and found that I was missing the lessons to learn along the way.
You spend so much time during your 20's doing the craziest shit. I realized I'm not going to have this big creative artistic surge by being stoned. I'm not gonna discover the meaning of life on psychedelics. And the few hours of euphoria you get from opiates are not worth feeling like shit later. Oh, and being drunk does not make me the social butterfly I had hoped. It actually makes me do things I would never think of sober. So I've had my last call, the lights are coming on and I am seeing things for what they really are. All the experiences now come to be wisdom that optimizes my view of what's going down. I wear my past mistakes as a badge of honor, and accept the challenge of trying to acclimate myself to some version of normalcy. I want to go to my 9 to 5, yell at my kids, and mow my lawn. I'm just trying to get to that white picket fence with Krissy by my side. I figure if I am persistent I can make it.
You promise yourself that you will have it all together by 30. I realize now that life is a process, and never comes top the point when all conflict is resolved. Well, it does, but thats at death. The long road between birth and there is the constant process that you have to savor and take what you can from. Call me an existentialist but i believe you have to live to know. I have done my share of living and am ready to put my knowledge to good use. I hypothesize that the best use would be passing it on to a little one.
I spent a decade down on myself about incomplete goals; moreover, now I am starting to realize that you can plan a pretty picnic, but you can't predict the weather. Life is about the forks in the road. The sudden changes of plans where you have to stop and quickly regroup. The importance in the journey, not the arrival at the destination. As my life has spanned a greater distance, I see now that everything has its season and we must not morn when they come to end. Embrace catharsis, rejuvinate, and remember.
It doesn't make any difference whether what you face is something that affects your work, your personal relationships, your sense of security, your appraisal of self-worth, or your appearance. The way you think about your situation largely determines whether you will do anything about it and what you will do. You must never lose hope. True hope dwells on the possible, even when life seems to be a plot written by someone who wants to see how much adversity we can overcome.
True hope responds to the real world, to real life; it is an active effort. A man never gives up hope.
So like all men, I hope for something better and just do my best, because that's all I can do. Now that I know who I am several things have just fell into place. After many tumultuous years, I have made peace with my parents. I know who my true soul mate is, I love you Kris!!! As for my friends, I can't say that I've ever had a better one than myself. I've been close to people whom I have loved with all my heart. I thought these friends were my kindred spirits, but seasons change. It seems too that I can be forgotten far easier than I can forget them. But I take the ways they touched my life, and harness them to bring me stronger to the next battle. I'll always have memories,and at times get nostalgic, even depressed about it. I just have to remind myself that things cannot stay the same forever. If it does, It becomes unhealthy. A stagnant environment is not beneficial to anyone. So flow like water, but don't necessarily take the path of least resistance. Sometimes you the best choice isn't always the easiest one, and the harder the challenge the more savory the reward.
So walk with these words and you should be fine in life:
"We can always redeem the man who aspires and strives."
--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think."
--La Bruyere
"At the end of the game the king and the pawn go in the same box"
--Italian Proverb
"Work spares us from three evils: boredom, vice, and need."
--Voltaire
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall."
--Confucious
"Insist on yourself. Never imitate."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Years teach us more than books."
--Berthold Auerbach
"Arguing with a fool proves there are two."
--Doris M. Smith
"One who fears failure limits his activities.
Failure is only the opportunity to more
intelligently begin again."
--Henry Ford
"How much pain have cost us the evils that have never happened."
--Thomas Jefferson
"Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead."
--Louisa May Alcott
"The talent of success is nothing more than doing what you can do, well."
--Henry Longfellow
"Such as are thy habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of thy mind; for the soul is dyed by the thoughts."
--Marcus Aurelius
"The real leader has no need to lead--
he is content to point the way."
--Henry Miller
"Experience is not what happens to a man: it is what a man does with what happens to him."
--Aldous Huxley
"Let us strive to improve ourselves, for we cannot remain stationary; one either progresses or retrogrades."
--Mme. DuDeffand
"The important thing in life is to have great aim and to possess the aptitude and the perseverance to attain it"
--Johann Wolfgang von Gothe
"The great thing is to know when to speak and when to keep quiet."
--Seneca
"You will never "find" time for anything. If you want time, you must make it."
--Charles Bruxton
