Michael Walsh, otherwise known as Geoff Pastry, Horatio or Baron Beef Goathead, has often been described as "the greatest man alive," with some justification. After inventing sugar at the tender age of six, and thereby revolutionising the cake industry, he has gone on to have a huge influence on the worlds of political thought, literature, philosophy and in particular, religion. He created Soilism in 1997 which has gone on to become the best of all religions. Demystifying Christianity, and providing a more accurate depiction of the creation of all things, Soilism has been an influence on several well known celebrities, such as the sorely missed Jeremy Beadle and Noel Edmonds. Although he is yet to be awarded the Nobel Prize, he has often been quoted as saying that "the Nobel Prize is for insignificant little twits" and "I have bacon all over my face." His latest discovery was the country of Wales, on the west coast of England. Although initially pleased with his discovery, he became disappointed upon finding the indigenous peoples of Wales to be a "pack of gobdaws and buffoons." He has no further plans to discover any more countries. Mr Walsh has recently declared war against all beatniks, claiming that they are a no good bunch. "They are a no good bunch," he said. In recent months Mr Walsh has decided that he would like to embark upon a meat quest, sampling meats from a variety of different races, colours and creeds. He has also made plans for his forthcoming funeral, at which he will be served as sandwiches. He would also like to make clear that anybody caught smuggling apple sauce into the venue will be crucified outside. Mr Walsh is strongly opposed to combining fruit with meat.
TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name: Mr M Walsh
Birthday: Mr Walsh was born on 2 October 1979. A fine day for all concerned.
Birthplace: Mr Walsh was born in Liverpool
Current Location: At present, and not unusually for him, Mr Walsh is sitting in a chair
Eye Color: Mr Walsh has green eyes. They are not for sale.
Hair Color: Mr Walsh is unsure of his hair colour, as he rarely uses hair.
Height: Mr Walsh is not in the habit of measuring himself
Right Handed or Left Handed: Mr Walsh, like all good natured folk, is naturally right handed.
Your Heritage: Mr Walsh is an Englishman.
The Shoes You Wore Today: Mr Walsh fails to see the relevance of this question, or why anybody else would be interested in reading the answer to it.
Your Weakness: Mr Walsh has a weakness for chairs. He likes sitting down.
Your Fears: Mr Walsh is not in the habit of telling other people his fears, for fear of his enemies using them against him. Although some people have commented that he does not like the French, it is unclear as to whether he actually fears them.
Your Perfect Pizza: Mr Walsh does not spend a great deal of time thinking about pizzas. On the rare occasion when he does eat one, his only preference is for one with lots of meat on it.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Having failed to become a member of the Fortune 500 for 2007, Mr Walsh has lowered his ambitions for 2008. He would merely like to reach next year as a member of the aristocracy.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: Mr Walsh often uses the phrase "I am not a scoundrel."
Thoughts First Waking Up: Mr Walsh usually regrets waking up, as he likes his sleep. Sometimes though, he wakes up and thinks "Why am I still fully dressed, and where am I?"
Your Best Physical Feature: Mr Walsh is particularly proud of a nice scar on his wrist.
Your Bedtime: Mr Walsh goes to bed when he chooses, at a time which is convenient to him.
Your Most Missed Memory: Mr Walsh does not miss any memories.
Pepsi or Coke: Mr Walsh is a great fan of Coke. He finds Pepsi a particularly disgusting drink, which is odd, in that they are essentially the same.
MacDonalds or Burger King: Mr Walsh will always choose Burger King ahead of MacDonalds.
Single or Group Dates: Mr Walsh does not go on dates.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Mr Walsh does not drink any variety of tea.
Chocolate or Vanilla: Mr Walsh likes both and would not like to pick a winner.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Mr Walsh does not drink coffee of any kind.
Do you Smoke: Mr Walsh finds smoking to be a filthy habit, and has often expressed a desire to throw smokers, along with fat people, out of planes to save money on bombs. So far, none of the worlds great military powers have taken up this option, and most major governments defence budgets still outstrip their contributions towards impoverished nations.
Do you Swear: Mr Walsh can often be heard swearing quietly to himself. He is often on the lookout for new swear words.
Do you Sing: Mr Walsh never sings.
Do you Shower Daily: Mr Walsh tries to shower daily, but on occasion he has more important things to do, like drinking, or eating biscuits.
Have you Been in Love: Mr Walsh has been in love once or twice, and he enjoyed it greatly. He was in love with Jeremy Beadle until he was sadly taken from us.
Do you want to go to College: Mr Walsh has been to college and won.
Do you want to get Married: Mr Walsh believes his chances of marrying Jeremy Beadle are strictly limited, owing to the fact that Mr Beadle is now dead, and Mr Walsh has does not intend to take up necrophilia any time soon. He has therefore wisely shelved any marriage plans.
Do you belive in yourself: Mr Walsh believes in proper spelling.
Do you get Motion Sickness: Mr Walsh fails to see the relevance of this question.
Do you think you are Attractive: Mr Walsh finds himself to be as attractive as a dog in a fine hat.
Are you a Health Freak: Mr Walsh does not believe himself to be a freak of any kind, particularly one of the health variety.
Do you get along with your Parents: Mr Walsh has a pleasant working relationship with his parents.
Do you like Thunderstorms: Mr Walsh fails to see why anybody would want to know the answer to this question. He has not spent any time time weighing up the pros and cons of any variety of weather.
Do you play an Instrument: Mr Walsh does not play any instruments.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Mr Walsh drinks alcohol at least on a weekly basis. In the past week, he has drank what many would regard as "too much."
In the past month have you Smoked: Mr Walsh does not smoke.
In the past month have you been on Drugs: Mr Walsh does not take drugs.
In the past month have you gone on a Date: Mr Walsh does not go on dates.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Mr Walsh does not visit malls, although upon occasion he can be found in shopping centres.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Mr Walsh does not eat sushi. He regards it as foolish.
In the past month have you been on Stage: Mr Walsh is not a stage performer.
In the past month have you been Dumped: Mr Walsh has not been dumped in the past month.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: Mr Walsh does not practice skinny dipping. He is too much of a gentleman.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Mr Walsh is not a thief.
Ever been Drunk: Mr Walsh can often be found drunk in the corner of a room.
Ever been called a Tease: Mr Walsh has not been called a tease as far as he is aware.
Ever been Beaten up: Mr Walsh has not been beaten up as far as he is aware, although he once spent some time in Glasgow and has little recollection of events that happened there. He may have been beaten up, as he has often been quite vocal about his dislike of the Scots.
Ever Shoplifted: Having already established that he is not a thief, Mr Walsh finds this question a little impertinent.
How do you want to Die: Mr Walsh does not wish to die at all.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Mr Walsh would like to be an astronaut. Failing that, some kind of layabout.
What country would you most like to Visit: Mr Walsh has little desire to leave the fine country in which he currently resides.
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: Mr Walsh likes ladies to have green eyes, although he has not found many such ladies.
Favourite Hair Color: Mr Walsh favours no particular colour, just as long as hair is present. He is not attracted to bald women.
Short or Long Hair: See above.
Height: For some reason, Mr Walsh has often been linked with particularly short people. He is not sure why.
Weight: Mr Walsh has a fierce hatred of fat people.
Best Clothing Style: Mr Walsh has no sense of fashion, and no preferences.
Number of Drugs I have taken: Mr Walsh has taken very few drugs.
Number of CDs I own: Mr Walsh does not spend his time counting his possessions. He has better things to do.
Number of Piercings: Mr Walsh has no piercings.
Number of Tattoos: Mr Walsh has no tattoos.
Number of things in my Past I Regret: Mr Walsh has no regrets.
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Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||| 26%
Stability |||||||||||||| 56%
Orderliness |||||||||||||| 56%
Accommodation |||||||||||| 43%
Interdependence |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 63%
Mystical |||||||||| 36%
Artistic |||||||||||| 50%
Religious |||||| 23%
Hedonism |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Materialism |||||||||||||||| 63%
Narcissism |||||||||||||||| 63%
Adventurousness |||||| 23%
Work ethic |||||| 23%
Self absorbed |||||||||||| 50%
Conflict seeking |||| 16%
Need to dominate |||||||||||||||| 63%
Romantic |||||||||| 36%
Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 70%
Anti-authority |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Wealth |||| 16%
Dependency |||||||||||||||| 63%
Change averse |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 63%
Individuality |||||||||| 36%
Sexuality |||||| 30%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||| 70%
Physical security |||||||||||||| 56%
Physical Fitness |||||||||||||||| 64%
Histrionic |||||||||||||| 56%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Vanity |||||| 30%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 50%
Female cliche |||| 16% Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
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