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NOTICE TO FRIENDS: Please use gary.grimes at gmail.com from now on. thanks!!
WARNING TO EVERYONE: If political correctness is more important to you than a sense of humor, you won't be happy here. I put truth and freedom ahead of political correctness.
NOTICE: I don't add friends that are businesses in which I have no interest. I don't hate you, I'm just not here for that. Also I don't respond to invitations to install myspace apps because of malware.
What could be more sexy, a 1935 hand made Rolls Royce convertible, or beautiful Shelley in some new lingerie? I know which one is my favorite.
Shoots with Katie-Beth are always fun and creative:
But even the best of models need a little lipstick refresh once in a while.
Who could be a prettier sushi girl than Brandi Marie? Definitely nothing fishy about this girl. I'm sticking around for desert. Brandi Marie did her own fabulous makeup for this shot too!
Maybe early for Halloween, but here's Sally Carter returning to the Maple Grove Cemetery (near downtown Huntsville, AL) to find and rebury her own ghost, played by the fabulous Luna Lilly.
A summer smile from me and Janet: (Janet is watching so keep the eyes on the eyes not the booty! This shoot was for Wild Coast Bikinis - check 'em out! This is not, I repeat not, a booty shot.)
Looks like I'm in a rut, two blue eyed models in a row! This is The Real Sam Booty! One of my best friends of course. Shoot for Empire Seven Clothing, they rock!
Whether high key or low key, Kayti always looks amazing, can't beat a brown eyed girl:
Who could be prettier than Blair, the Hooter's Girl of the Year International?
Who could look sexier with a tool than Brandi Marie?
Let's rock on with Bliss the totally different drummer.
Kayti may have been a little naughty last year but it looks like she still got a nice lollipop from Santa!
Who could be more fun than Brandi Marie? Nobody, and it's always fun to help get my shoulder length latex gloves on her.
Looks like Bliss is back workin' at the factory in her new Christmas duds. (The following photo wasn't even PG, and still deleted by Photobucket!!! WTF??
Mania vonn Trash is back and she looks a little pissed about the world she has inherited.
What could be prettier than Mela in a nice cool waterfall?
Who could be more more glamorous than my new buddy Mela in some sexy lingerie?
Who could be more elegant and gorgeous than Kayti?
What's cooler than four images of Bliss in one shot (and better yet, no reflections of me and my studio light!):
Fine art is easier with the gorgeous Tara Gooch, what could be finer?
What could be better than Bliss or Tara alone? Maybe this?
I'm a dad, husband, professor, photographer, futurist, consultant, jello wrestling analyst and part-time warlord based in Hoover, Alabama. I'm as messed up as a Volvo with an NRA sticker or a Jeep with a Planned Parenthood sticker. I think it's because I never had a Chia Pet. I've been married to the same blond for 35 years and we have two children, a 31 year old son who recently got his PhD in computer science from UW in Seattle and a 21 year old daughter, a sophomore in biology at the University of Alabama at Birmingham. Both of our kids are more grown up than I am. Being late to reproduce, my wife and I started getting senior discounts while our daughter was still getting child discounts. I also have a wonderful daughter-in-law who works in transportation planning.
My Mother lives in Greeley, CO and provides provides a great base for vacations, consulting, and photography. I grew up in Greeley, a northern Colorado town known as the city of wide streets and narrow minds. The only difference between Greeley and most other places is that it has wide streets. Another distinction is that people are outnumbered about 3 to 1 by cattle in Greeley, but because of unfair politics the cattle can't vote.
I play professor most days at the University of Alabama at Birmingham and hold an endowed research chair given to the university by the BellSouth Foundation. I can't wait to retire and do photography full time. If Lucent stock was worth anything, I'd be doing photography full time right now. I'm also retired from AT&T/Lucent Bell Labs where I mostly did research in optical switching and transmission. I also love to invent stuff and hold 73 US patents, none of which I own the rights to or else I would be really, really retired. They include the first virtual reality glove and location of cell phones in 911 calls.
On the surface I am a very deep person, but down deep I'm very shallow. In the past I have been a futurist, but in the future I intend to dwell in the past. My latest prediction is that by the year 2020, 98% of the women in the US will be special education teachers. I have had several people call me lately for a sanity check. When people start calling me of all people for a sanity check, the END must be near.
1947 was an amazing year: It brought us the Polaroid camera, the microwave oven, Hostess Sno-Balls, Israel, New Zealand, India, Pakistan, the AK-47, the transistor, the coldest temperature ever recorded in North America, cell phone technology (frequency reuse), the Saab, the first computer bug, and me. Of all these things, I have probably caused the least trouble.
I currently reside near the top of the food chain. I am somewhat vegetarian. I usually eat only vegetarian animals, in addition to vegetables and vegetative vegetation.
I've worked as a lawn mower, janitor, ditch digger, smudge pot filler, jack hammer operator, gas meter painter, gas meter repairman, paint booth operator, smudge pot filler, scientist, engineer, researcher, photographer, consultant, circuit designer, software developer, and professor. I've worked for small corporations, medium corporations, the world's largest corporation, the Commissioned Officer's Corps of the US Public Health Service, the federal government, and two universities.
Above: My buddy Melanie ventures into Vinyl. Could anybody look better in it? I don't think so. That figure is 100% natural too. I'm Melanie's manager. She's pretty much unmanageable, but it's fun trying!
PHOTO STUFF: Please check out my photo portfolio hosting sites:
http://www.onemodelplace.com/drpixel (401 photos) Click here
http://modelmayhem.com/drpixel(20 photos) Click here
and
http://www.supermodels.com/drpixel (20 photos) Click here
I'm also starting a stand alone site for my photo business, Personality Imaging:
http://www.personalityimaging.com Click here
This site can also be reached at:
http://glamourpose.com Click here
This site is just one pathetic little page now, but someday it will be fabulous.
My photos are not conservative enough for Republicans, not politically correct enough for Democrats, but maybe they're just right for you. I can't sing, draw, or dance, so thank goodness for cameras. I love to shoot everything, bugs, weeds, and I even shoot pretty ladies when I run out of bugs and weeds. I've been shooting photos and movies since 1957.
So far I've lived in Canal Winchester, OH, Aurora, CO, Greeley, CO, Colorado Springs, CO, Middleton, WI, Bethesda, MD, Silver Spring, MD, Boulder, CO, Thornton, CO, and Hoover, AL. I've lived over 40 years in Colorado. Beautiful place, except for the cold blasts of Canadian air. Which reminds me, I'm sick of Canadians whining about acid rain from the US, because compared with most of the weather we get out of Canada, acid rain would be a welcome relief.
If you are truly desperate for entertainment, you can also check out my nerd websites at:
http://cter.eng.uab.edu Click here
http://www.hires.uab.edu Click here
http://telework.eng.uab.edu Click here
http://www.pofworld.com/press/05.30.06.htm Click here
CONSULTANT AREAS OF EXPERTISE: I am a sumo level junk food consultant. The first consultation is free. I also do consulting in telecommunications, optical fiber systems, business development, and intellectual property management.
I am also available as a demotivational speaker. Yeah, so they're going to put you in a cubicle, work your nuts off, treat you like crap, make you wear a badge, take away your medical and retirement benefits, censor your Internet access, spy on your email, make sure your office pictures are politically correct, make you work fixed hours, require you to go to a shitload of meetings, but you're still going to do your very, very best. Sure. Please join me in establishing a Center of Mediocrity for Demotivational Studies.
MEMBER: Church of the Divine Awakening. We believe that only God can wake you up and if you use any artificial devices (e.g., an alarm clock) to wake you up you will have a crappy day. Membership is free. No rituals are required. But you can smash your alarm clock.
TIP FOR COUPLES: Young women are always cold while young men are usually hot. Around 45 or 50, this reverses and women go into full afterburner and nuclear meltdown and men start to freeze all the time. Sometime, possibly in the late 40's, for one day you will be perfectly matched! Don't miss it! Enjoy, for it won't come again.
HEALTH TIP OF THE DAY: Drink plenty of liquids. If you've ever tried to drink anything else, you know what good advice this is.
A NEW AMERICA IS EMERGING!: Just as screwed up as California but without the great weather.
GOING TO A MOVIE THEATER?: Why?? You can buy the movie cheaper and eat all the cheap popcorn and beer you want at home.
WORDS TO INCLUDE IN YOUR SPAM FILTER: schedule, meeting, deadline, metrics, quality, committee, report, budget, morning.
LAST MOVIE I SAW IN A THEATER: Coneheads, 1993, Greeley, CO. Loved it.
HOW TO GET RID OF GLOBAL WARMING: If the government were offering grants to whine about global cooling you can bet we would have a zillion scientists telling us we are about to freeze our nuts off.
WORK: Kills more people than tobacco, alcohol, junk food, illegal drugs, and accidents combined. Check it out, the cemetaries are full of people who worked. Most of them drank water too, another big mistake.
WHY I'M A NIGHT OWL: My ancestors were the cave men and cave women who stayed up all night and tended the fire while everyone else slept. I believe that everyone has a unalterable daily biorhythm and if you aren't living it you'll never even approach your full potential.
PLACES I'M BOYCOTTING: San Francisco, LA, and NJ for banning plastic grocery bags; NJ for banning private ownership of handcuffs (guess this ends my trips to Medical Waste National Seashore), DC and Chicago for banning handguns; Oakland for requiring city workers to speak two languages; Santa Monica for banning ANTM signs on busses.
NIGHTMARES: I tend to have mine when I'm awake.
THE STATE OF MEDICINE: Paying $60 to have somebody tell you to diet and exercise.
MY FOREIGN POLICY: If someplace is a threat to the United States, nuke it into the next world, otherwise leave it alone.
IT'S NOT FAIR!!!: My wife threw away my turquoise leisure suit, my white belt, and my white shoes with the gold buckles without even asking me!! She said she was doing me a big favor.
THE MOST PUZZLING THING TO ME: The most liberal idea to emerge over the last few centuries is the right of the common man to own firearms. But who champions this? The conservatives. Go figure.
HOMELAND SECURITY QUIZ: Most terrorists are also: A) Perverts; B) Religious fundamentalists; C) Pornographers; D) Gamblers. Answer: B) Religious fundamentalists
THE EDUCATIONAL PHILOSOPHY: Students should take the same curriculum that we took when we were in college so that they will turn out just as brilliant and wonderful as we are. Then when they graduate they will be perfectly prepared to solve the problems that we already solved and be just as clueless as to how to solve the problems that have escaped us.
NO STUDENT LEFT BEHIND: A brilliant education management strategy for concentrating resources on the bottom 5% who will never amount to anything anyway, while pretty much ignoring the students who could be the major contributors.
CONGRATS TO THE AIRLINES: They've finally made staying at home WAY better than flying first class!
A SHORT HISTORY: Grade school sucked, jr. high sucked, high school sucked, college sucked, graduate studies sucked, work really sucked, but I still have great hopes for retirement.
SPORTS: The art of determining whether someone is better than, worse than, or at the same skill level as someone else at doing something totally useless.
AFGHANISTAN: Our troops are over there making sure that some religious fundamentalists don't force their crackpot ideas on the whole population. Wait a minute, that's what's happening in GA, AL, SC, TN, and MS, maybe we should bring our troops home and liberate these places first.
CLOACA: A frog's ass. The only thing I remember from high school.
SOME GOOD ADVICE: Stay the hell out of places that ban cell phones and cameras, even if you don't have one.
A RELIGIOUS FUNDING TIP: Buy your church a lottery ticket. If He wants your church to have more money, He will provide.
THE UNITED NATIONS: Now is a great time to get the US out of the UN and get the UN out of the US. Good riddance.
THE STATES: I've visited all the states except North Dakota and Alaska, I wouldn't mind going to North Dakota in the summer, Alaska is just too chilly even in the summer.
ATOMIC TESTING: I lived during atomic testing. When it was too hot, the cause was atomic testing, when it was too cold, the cause was atomic testing, when it was too dry, the cause was atomic testing, when it was too rainy, the cause was atomic testing, when we had too many hurricanes, the cause was atomic testing. Wait, does this sound like global warming???
MIDEAST PEACE: Of course there will be Mideast peace, but not as long as anyone is left alive.
BEST AND WORST PRESIDENTS IN MY LIFETIME: Best is Eisenhower, came up with the Interstate highway system, worst is LBJ, don't get me started.
MY BIGGEST PEEVE: Self annointed "environmentalists" who think we all have a duty to lower our standard of living and freeze to death in the dark so that we can continue to ignore the human overpopulation problem.
MY MOST VALUED POSESSIONS: My Canon 5D Mark II, my 1989 Suburban, and my alarm clock that seldom goes off.
DORMITORIES: Ultra high density apartments with constant booming bass in which everyone moves in and out the same days. There must be a better way.
HOW TO SAVE SOCIAL SECURITY: Cut off benefits to people who never paid in a cent. duh.
A MATHEMATICAL MODEL OF NORTH AMERICA: Canada can be modeled as an infinite source of cold air. Mexico can be modeled as an infinite source of Mexicans. The USA is where the Mexicans meet the cold air, get sick, and swamp the emergency rooms.
INSTRUCTORS WHO ASSIGN HOMEWORK OVER VACATIONS AND BREAKS: Do we really need these people??
ACADEMIC: At universities, this is good. Outside universities it means totally irrelevant and bullshit.
OMG: I wish they made something that didn't beep.
MY CLEAN PAGE: This page does not have any pictures of seminude homosexual events, torture, blood, pain, bondage, sadism, or snuff. Like Christ on the cross. Or depictions of people pretending to drink blood or eat flesh.
DIET AND EXERCISE: One peanut provides enough energy for the average person to scale Mt. Everest 17 times. The numbers are against us.
STUPIDITY: No need to define it here, the NFL already has.
BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: I believe that people should modify the behavior of government, not vice versa. I particularly don't believe that the government should modify people's behavior through taxation.
ARE PEOPLE CALLED DOCTOR HIGHLY EDUCATED? No, most are just highly trained, there is a big difference.
MY SOLUTION FOR ENERGY: Start making methane and gasoline from nuclear, the recipe for this has been in the DOE archives since 1954. Better than the feel good types of energy like wind and solar - ridiculous expensive and unpredictable.
TURTLES: I had two turtles in the backyard in Colorado, Tommy and Griselda. They came when I called them when I got home from work every day for dinner. It took a while. Turtles don't fly. But they're smart.
THE EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM: One of the main jobs of the educational system is to treat students like shit so that when they get a job and their employer treats them like shit they will think it's normal.
THE NOBEL PRIZE: I thought it was cool. Then when Al got his I realized that they had one for marketing bullshit. Not so cool any more.
I NEVER CLAIMED TO BE FABULOUS: But I've never put anyone into a cubicle, never taken away benefits from retirees, and never discriminated with respect to sex, race, or ethnicity and never will, even when required by law.
HOW SMART ARE PROFESSORS: Professors spend most of their time writing grants that have less than a 5 percent chance of success. Would farmers plant crops with less than a 5 percent chance of success?
WHERE BAD STUFF COMES FROM: Flu - southeast Asia; AIDS - Africa; No plastic grocery bags - Europe.
AVOIDING TERRORISM: Mass transit is target #1 (planes, trains, buses, ships, etc.), large buildings #2.
THE POPE: Doesn't being against birth control in 2009 make him a eco-terrorist?
WHERE DO YOU NEED TO CARRY A GUN?: Check local laws. If local laws ban carrying, you for sure need one there.
SOME THOUGHTS ON VEGETARIANS: Vegetarians seem to have the view that if they didn't eat beef, cattle would just continue to be bred by the millions. The fact is that if we didn't eat 'em, there wouldn't be many of them around. Now some vegetarians feel that cattle raised in feed lots would have been better off not being born at all. This is like saying people who live in crowded cities would be better off if never born. Shit, this is beginning to make sense.
WHAT I'VE LEARNED FROM TRAVEL IN ASIA AND EUROPE: Once the population density reaches a certain level, quality living is not possible no matter how much money you have.
THE EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM: A good bit of this is designed to intentionally treat students like crap so they will think it's normal when their employers treat them like crap.
GRIMES ENTERPRISES: Is like most other companies, except individuals actually get respect, nothing much happens until noon, the first row of the paved parking lot is reserved for full size SUVs and vans. Also there are no regularly scheduled meetings, unnecessary meetings or cubicles. Telework is highly encouraged.
HOW TO CHOOSE A UNIVERSITY OR COLLEGE: Pick one with free parking, you can't go wrong.
Phase 1: Consulting and photography
Phase 2: Photography and slicing grapefruits
Phase 3: Slicing grapefruits
Phase 4: Sitting in my recliner in ivory Hush Puppies
YET ANOTHER RELIGIOUS QUESTION: If Jesus had been executed in 1950, would people run around with little electric chairs dangling from their rear view mirrors?
MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL, THE NFL, AND THE NBA: OK, tell me again why I should watch a bunch of big sweaty guys in uniforms?
HOW DOES THE DEVIL COMMUNICATE WITH EARTHLINGS: That's easy. Thru alarm clocks. Which of course makes whoever makes you set the alarm clock an agent of the devil.
OLIVE GARDEN BULLSHIT: Their soup is pronounced fah-joh-ley, not pasta fahjeoul or some bullshit like that. Some idiot has taught every Olive Garden server on the planet to mispronounce it.
THE FEDS AND PRODUCT DESIGN: They have totally screwed up cars, trucks, air conditioners, washing machines, garage door openers, what's next??
SOME IDEAS FOR SPAM BLOCKER WORDS: meeting, conference call, report, results, action item, schedule, budget, deadline, closure, spreadsheet, metrics, due date, planning, penalty, goals, evaluation.
MY FAVORITE QUOTATIONS:
"There is a violent solution to every problem." - F. Stokely Carmichael
"When you come to shoot, shoot don't talk" - Tuco
"I'll go, but only as a tourist." - Murray
"F/8 and be there." - photojournalism saying
"There are no boring places, only boring people." - unknown
"No man is a failure who is enjoying life" - William Feather
"Churches and schools seldom provide the best religious and educational experiences" - G. Grimes
"Do not confuse motion and progress." - Alfred A. Montapert
"Organic means you're eating something the bugs just hadn't gotten around to yet" - G. Grimes
"Never confuse education with training or indoctrination" - G. Grimes
"You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free." - Corinthians
"No one has a responsibility to lower their standard of living to compensate for the overprocreation of overs." - G. Grimes
"Don't complain to your doctor about anything, they have painful expensive tests for everything, cures for almost nothing." - G. Grimes
"Christmas is the term paper that doesn't go away when you graduate." - G. Grimes
"If you've seen one big city you've seen them all." - unknown
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." - Albert Einstein
"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
"The less you know the more you believe." - Bono
"Everything happens for a reason, usually a really stupid reason." - G. Grimes
"It takes a long time to become young." - Pablo Picasso
"Any idiot can drive an ambulance with the lights and siren on, it takes a real driver to drive a family car in a funeral procession." - J.E. Grimes, Jr.
"If you need a role model there is no hope for you." - G. Grimes
"People who speak in metaphors should shampoo my crotch." - Jack Nicholson
"Never put mayonnaise any place you wouldn't put warm cat shit." - Unknown
"Religion needs a safeword." - Sabrina Fox
"One of the main purposes of school is to treat students like crap so when they go to work and their employer treats them like crap they'll think it's normal." - G. Grimes
"Your eyes look like two piss holes in the snow." - Tom Storey
"In the long run we're all dead." - Thorsten Veblen
"I owe it all to those little chocolate donuts." - John Belushi
"Go ahead, make my day." - Dirty Harry
"If everybody is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking." - George S. Patton
"If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun" - Katherine Hepburn
"When you've seen one big city, you've seen them all." - Foltor
"Do, or do not, there is no try" - Yoda
"Having a non smoking section in a restaurant is like having a non peeing section in a pool." - unknown
"In comic strips the person on the right always speaks first." - George Carlin
"To be or not to be. That's not really a question." - Jean-Luc Godard
"Like all great travelers, I have seen more than I remember and remember more than I have seen" - Benjamin Disraeli"
"Cities don't have problems, cities are the problems." - G. Grimes
"There is no limit to the amount of detail and structure that can be built around a tiny bit of bullshit. Once completed, no one will question the original bullshit." - G. Grimes
"Communism is like one big phone company." - Lenny Bruce
"The best way to stop discriminateng based on base is to stop discriminating based on race." - Chief Justice John Roberts
"If it's not a Boeing I'm not going." - Wm Krug
"If you look around and all the men have more hair growing out of their ears than on top of their heads, you are probably in church." - unknown
"It's 105 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses." - Elwood Blues
"Ritual is necessary for us to know anything." - Ken Kesey
"We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction" - Douglas McArthur
"The only ways to become powerful are to become wealthy or violent." - G. Grimes
"Education is the natural enemy of religion. Professional training isn't. - G. Grimes
"Be faithful to that which exists within yourself" - Andre Gide
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin
"Son of a gun." - Joey Bishop
"A man has got to know his limitations." - Dirty Harry
"Keep your powder dry." - Oliver Cromwell
"People of humor are always in some degree people of Genius" - Samuel Taylor Coleridge
VALUES: I value creativity and exploration way ahead of organization, structure, and closure.
BOOKS: I don't like to read the book before I see the movie, I don't don't like to read the book after I see the movie, and it's usually way too dark and distracting to read the damn book during the movie.
MY DOG: Can't read or program computers but sleeps in a comfy bed 15 hrs a day. Smart computer programmers stare at a screen 15 hrs a day in a cubicle. Who's smarter?
MY LATEST INVENTION: An email filter that deletes messages sent with high priority. These are invariably just a pain in the ass and never good news.
ANOTHER OF MY INVENTIONS: Telesleep - that's when you are sleeping at home when you would normally be sleeping at work.
EATING TIP OF THE DAY: Eat your breakfast before you go to bed, then you don't have to get up in the morning.
GRADUATE, US AIR FORCE JUMP SCHOOL: I learned two important things, first, never jump from a perfectly good airplane, and second, never crisscross your parachute straps between your legs, especially if you're a guy.
MY FIRST MAJOR ENGINEERING DESIGN PROJECT: Designed the first automatic portable incubator for whooping crane eggs. Not as easy as it sounds.
NOT SO GREAT MOMENTS IN SCIENCE AWARDS:
To physicists for pissing away the last 30 years looking for totally useless particles instead of making fusion work.
To the drug companies for still not coming up with any drugs for increasing insulin sensitivity, cleaning out arteries, or going specifically after cancer cells.
To the National Institutes of Health for emphasizing having ethnically politically correct clinical trials way ahead of actually curing any diseases.
To the NHTSA for designing crash tests so that weight doesn't matter, which of course it does in the real world. F = ma, duh.
To NASA for spending a fortune on the manned spacecraft programs when all the important stuff (communications, navigation, weather, and surveillance) doesn't need it. Plus, these jackasses started the global warming bullshit and instead of pointing out that overpopulation could be the cause they recommend that we prepare to move the surplus population to other planets, Sweet Jesus. And then there's their stupid James Hanson who discovered global warming using totally bogus data they later admitted.
LIKE: Wide open spaces, free parking, open minded people, creative people, brainstorming sessions, frogs, blue cheese burgers, dogs, SUV's, styrofoam, lighthouses, mud bugs, waterfalls, BarBQ, thunderstorms, hoppy beers with a lime, cheap gas, any combination of orange and chocolate, fast lenses, Dad's root beer, hugs, Burma Shave signs, claw leg bathtubs, tumbleweeds, Chopin, digital SLR's, Splenda, people who put humor before correctness, nachos, sundogs, soaking in my spa, turtles, cliff skimming, broadband Internet, GPS, fried anything, warm evenings, country roads, out of body experiences, thumb drives, ghost towns, Sour Cream and Onion Ruffles, whirlygigs, ventiplanes, cherry cider, wave lamps, diversity, cumulus clouds, triple chocolate ice cream with hot fudge topping, solitons, Cheese Whiz, summer, Rachmaninoff, politically incorrect people, natural hot springs, heck even the smell of natural hot springs, summer, polyester, tar sands, Hostess Cup Cakes, black raspberry jam, warm swimming pools, multicoated lenses, palm trees, four wheel drive, some wardrobe malfunctions (except for my damn shorts falling off), plastic optical fiber, lasagna, HDTV, helping people accomplish their goals, self parking, Diet Rite Cherry Cola, home grown tomatoes, white sand beaches, hood ornaments, rock walls, rubber band airplanes, sailing, Dodge Darts, dark chocolate, deep blue skies, waterskiing, roll bars, wildflowers, rubber band airplanes, Bryce Canyon, electrons, large bore semiautomatic pistols, real hardware stores, farm and ranch supply stores, oatmeal (only in Samuel Smith Oatmeal Stout), belly button jewelry, Velcro, sun roofs, the Bill of Rights, magnets, silicones, Charmin Ultra, blue columbines, tropical breezes, snow crab, whooping cranes, fool's gold, memory foam pillows, happy hour, Glenlevit single malt scotch, mica, BB guns, krautburgers, '57 Chevies, driving along the Grand Canyon (which isn't possible any more), driving to the Maroon Bells (which isn't possible any more), Hansen's diet pop, gel pens, gargoyles, key lime pie, Roundup, geodes, Cheetos, chopper madness, fall color, Dilbert, vacancy/no vacancy signs, fortune cookies, witch doctors, lava lamps, Asti Spumanti, home theater, spaghetti, spaghetti westerns, rubber chickens, anything that glows in the dark, my Chevy Suburban, my Ford Explorer, wide tire choppers, devil's food cookies, Sierra Nevada Summer Ale, the continental divide, sandstone formations, comfort food, triple pepperoni pizza, telescopes, making new friends, rock formations, antique gas pumps, plinking, New England clam chowder, body painting, Garden of the Gods, suspender bikinis, McDonald's fries, strip malls, surround sound, anthropology, chrome bumpers, red meat, brick homes, siestas, expectant mother parking spaces (always empty and legal for anybody to use), chocolate raised donuts, Pawnee Buttes, cars with fins, the Interstate highway system, carbonated beverages, kaleidoscopes, wood stoves, lasers, asynchronous swimming, geysers, Pike's Peak, powerful shower heads, blown polyethylene, roasting marshmallows, tropical islands, fiber optic lamps, pickups with dualies, Colorado corn on the cob, sea shells, transistors, real fireplaces, running lights, chili, socks with no elastic around the top, lightning bugs, LED flashlights, comfort food, log cabins, propeller beanies, art deco, Wikipedia, the constellation Orion, giant redwoods, diet water, injection molding, smallblock 8's, largeblock 8's, Hostess Ding Dongs, microfibers, any bikini team, blown glass, .50 caliber anything, turtles, magnum revolvers, neon, photonic crystals, bubble wrap, double rainbows, rear wheel drive, scenic overlooks, lichen rocks, early retirement, shrimp cocktail, Hooter's girls, the La Brea Tar Pits, Patsy Cline, rubber band airplanes, late evening sunsets, timberline, platform sandals, weather satellites, geysers, disco balls, fudgesicles, Photoshop, female bodybuilders, flying buttresses, microthongs, Willie Nelson, Roundup, shorts with four pockets, The Broadmoor, chocolate chip cookies, Buick Roadmasters, rocker recliners, skipping rocks, fried shrimp with cocktail sauce, PVC, hot showers, 1973 Chevy Caprice station wagon (largest production car ever), Las Vegas, dinosaurs, ferns, petrified wood, early retirement, virtual reality (real reality often sucks), trolls, shrimp chili rellenos, sandstone, lava lamps, restaurants where you can wear shorts, great terminal ballistics, the old Chloraseptic (actually killed germs), beeperless devices, decaffeinated iced tea with Splenda, unscented products, tiger swallowtail butterflies, the moons of Jupiter, warm fronts, sunroofs, senior discounts, all-suite hotels, pinball machines, big box stores, free plastic grocery bags, jack pines, most anything fried, morel mushrooms, Estes Industries, Mexican jumping beans, organic foods, inorganic foods, waterfalls, dramatic overkill, scenic highways with lots of pullouts, Earl Greyer decaf tea, magnolias, Internet freedom, Mother Smuckers jams and jellies, cherry cider, moon halos, root beer floats, Alabama summers, full size spare tires, krautburgers, comfort food, power boating, chili cheese fries, bottle rockets, dip cones, fall color, Tiki torches, late nite web surfing, reconnecting with old friends.
HATE: Pay parking, cold weather, Circuit City, white snow, yellow snow, car pool lanes, people who judge others by credentials and merit badges, mass transit, fund raisers, mayonnaise, business meetings, telephone solicitors, censorship, crowds, events, dry clean only, VoIP, unemployment, employment, the insanely stupid carbon credit system, toll roads, standardized tests, nonstandardized tests, dogma, commuter trains, trying to remember stuff, Hartford Financial, iTunes (poor quality sound, proprietary, copy protection - could it get any worse?), stationary bicycles, nonstationary bicycles, collapsing pyramid schemes like Social Security, chicken salad, climate talks, bean counts, bean counters, L.L. Bean swimsuits, slush, emission inspections, plastic bumpers, morning people who think everyone should be a morning person, public restrooms, no public restrooms, dress codes, whoever thought of "Cookies are a sometimes food," trying to keep track of what I've already said, the UN, meter maids, school hours, paying to pee (thanks Europe), no frigging trashcans (thanks Europe), planned communities, gated communities, grated communities, soap with lotion (so you want to feel clean and greasy? WTF?), no free sacks with groceries (thanks Europe, you suck), low flow shower heads, low flow toilets, rubrics, $6 cans of Coke (thanks Paris), potholes, HDMI (a wire with an attitude), TiVo (a VCR with a monthly fee), Dominos Pizza, Ave Maria FL, colds, 29 grain blaster bread, places that outlaw plastic grocery bags and ignore the population explosion, chiggars, socialized medicine, Circuit City, gas pump nozzles you have to hold onto, nuclear winters, static cling, wellness routines, lifestyle changes, school administrators, Miracle Whip, blizzards, Dryvit, the EPA, fire ants, pedestrians, baked potato chips, spammers, the new urbanism, the old urbanism, dieticians and nutritionists (for thinking that everyone can tolerate fiber), hug bans, scorpions, remote parking, anti-hugging rules, summer reading lists, winter reading lists, the stinking National Park Service that would like to limit access to the national parks to 21 year old backpackers who arrive by bus and arrests photographers for taking pictures), dry clean only, urban campuses, cold drafts (except beer), global warming whining, igloos, vinegary BarBQ sauce, assisted living, unassisted living, ice hockey, Democrats, Republicans, light rail, gambling restrictions, Roman numerals, anal assholes, disgruntled parachute riggers, events, Christmas in July, Christmas in December, expired coupons, Whole Foods (and other polymer haters), dorms, accreditation, cubicles, itty bitty rear view mirrors, ethically challenged people, flu, haters - like Focus on the Family (why can't they focus on their own families and leave ours alone), Sony (for putting spyware on the audio CD's), events that are essentially like the last time they occurred, the Kyoto Protocol (let's cut out standard of living and ignore the population explosion), jammed copiers, diet and exercise, starvation and exercise, casual Fridays (but only because it implies that some other days aren't), politically correct skinny Santas, subways, winter clothes, fan noise, managed care (kind of like limited love), soaked newspapers, the CAPS LOCK key, cities, snow drifts, L.L. Bean (for their mandatory employee exercises and retarded swimsuits), Whole Foods (just some misplaced Eurowhiners), twinkie tax, fast food served in recycled paper products (yuck!), international travel (just not worth the hassle and invasion of privacy any more), mass hot air balloon ascensions (sounded cool until I found out they do 'em at some ungodly hour of the morning), all the people who screwed up McDonald's (as I sit here eating my non styrofoam protected cold hamburger and non supersized fries that I paid just as much for), crash test ratings (purposely falsified to eliminate the weight advantage), companies that treat attorneys and physicians better than engineers, no sugar-free and caffeine-free drinks except water, lead free solder, the frigging airlines, dark at 5 pm, haters, bigots, people who make Columbine start to make sense, speed bumps, Antarctica (has a hole in its ozone besides being too frigging cold), bullshit, bull shit, back up beepers, other buzzers and beepers, public transportation, wellness policies, discriminatory companies that have take your daughter to work day but no take your son to work day, lifestyle changes, employment drug testing - talk about invasion of privacy, fundamentalists (all flavors), icy roads, zero tolerance, selfish people who commit suicide without taking even one asshole with them, dry counties, dry countries, any meteorological occurrences of water in non-liquid form, holidays that take preparation but you don't get the day off, Catalina Island (original anti-automobile place in the US), people who put political correctness ahead of having a sense of humor, low ceilings, Eurowhiners, reusable shopping bags, holidays when the banks and post office are closed but you and me gotta work, cold wind, carpool parking, V chips, gun grabbers, killer bees, airplane air, nursing homes, ragweed, chainsaw massacres, stem cell restrictions, food police, dead batteries, deadlines, guidelines, teachers and professors who give assignments over breaks and vacations, reading aloud, whoever thought of making putting air in your tires a profit center, CAFE standards, politically correct people with no sense of humor, Airbus aircraft, restaurant menus designed by political activists, high density housing, buses, regularly scheduled meetings and calls, the cost of greeting cards, fan noise, dress shoes, metrics, CBS Radio, high profile vehicles with no mud flaps, horse dovres (hors d'ovres ok), events with fixed starting times, colored shirts with white collars, the night shift on the diarrhea ward, aggressive drivers, Jello salad, white Christmases, politicians, medical waste, mosquitoes, multimodal transportation (wasting your gasoline taxes on totally worthless crap),ramp metering, icebergs, trolleys, viruses, Dick's Sporting Goods, events that close roads, people who force their values and beliefs on others, team building exercises, quality improvement workshops, salt and vinegar potato chips (Sweet Jesus that's just wrong), mass transit in the national parks (do I want to get away from it all on a bus??), winter, speed traps, awards for perfect attendance (great way to get sick people to come and infect everyone else), the IPCC, Santa Monica (banning ANTM posters from their busses, WTF??), aggravation, grizzly bear attacks, most of the religion industry (religion ok), proprietary bullshit like memory stick, compact parking spaces, hug bans, dunce caps, carbon caps, carbon taxes, luxury taxes on carbonated beverages, skyscrapers, unibody construction, CNN, the awful environmental straws at Ted's Montana Grill, reps (sound repetitious to me), paying to put air in my tires, drive thru audio systems (geez, can't we communicate over 50 feet over a wire in 2009??), winter sports, HMO's, televangelists, square dancing, the middle east, dust storms, jello (except women's jello wrestling), rituals and ceremonies, suits, guys in suits, women in suits, morning people who think everybody should get up in the morning, the NAACP (for being against gun owner's rights, bizarre because the first gun laws were designed to keep guns away from blacks), people who grab all the seat backs and your hair when they walk in the aisle on airplanes, cumberbunds, my Lucent stock, Spokane (no decent suds??), feather pillows in hotels (yes, I'm one of the 51% of the population allergic to the stupid things), Coke and Pepsi (for not coming up with even one caffeine free drink with Splenda), stores that move stuff around, cold drafts, typing equations, unsecured ladders in pickup trucks, people who want to screw up kids by not letting them drink pop and eat junk food in schools and then expect them to go defend our "freedom" with an MP5, UHaul, MSNBC (for chastising it's anchors for speaking the truth), water landings, gear up landings, Christmas tree stands, the whole K-12 system, the NFL-NBA-MLB (it's 2009, hello), cuff links, expensive soccer mom enviro-energy, tartar sauce, paying a tax to dispose of tires, motivational speakers, Earth Day (let's whine about everything but the root problem), small children on airplanes without their own seats, small children on airplanes with their own seats, all the whiners who screwed up McDonald's, memorization, San Francisco (first no grocery bags, now no sodas???), aspartame, Robert Probst (inventor of the cubicle), yard blowers (isn't it really better to have the dust and dirt on the ground instead of up in the air??), overpopulated countries, IKEA, bed and breakfast (bed and lunch ok), whoever thought of putting diaper changing tables in mens rooms, ticks, sleet, closed restrooms, valet parking, hospitals, seat belts, back to school sales, breakfast meetings. Oh geez, don't get me started. Like whoaaaa.
OK, now that I've pissed off everybody, can I go back to my nap?
Example of my photo glamour work - with the super talented actress/model Sarah (one of my top friends below), makeup and wardrobe by Sarah. Don't you wish that Sarah was one of your top friends?
When it comes to fitness and glamour, nobody compares to Bliss, nobody.
Jess - one of my favorite mile high models.
Nobody dances like Lauren. She's totally amazing.
.. Get Your Own! | View Slideshow
Above: slide show of some of my glamour shots taken over the last few months. I usually prefer a modern, bold, edgy, in-your-face photographic style, but I also sometimes shoot stylish, fashionable, more traditional and subtle shots. Just show me a little attitude baby.
Above: Here's my friend Tara at the Peanut Depot. Those muscles are definitely for real, and what a model!
Would you believe Tanna was only 15 when this photo was taken? What a gorgeous and talented model! And yes, she was barefoot in that field of bitterweed, this is Alabama after all.
Here's a pretty portrait of model Luna Lilly we took on her first professional shoot, talk about beginners luck! MUA was Sylvia Smith, Wardrobe consultant April J. Now this is how senior portraits are supposed to look dammit.
OK, is there a prettier face anywhere than Kayti's? I don't think so.
Last photo: since we started with Shelley, let's close with her too, welcome to spring!
Life is all about ASS; you're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, or behaving like one. As for me, I'm just going to be sitting on it.
"You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free." Or at least a little pissed off.
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