I figured it had been a while since I'd updated the "About Me" part of my profile, so I suppose I will do that now.
Wow... so where do I start? I was born in good ol' Carteret County and not long after my dad, whom was in the military at the time, got orders to go to Atlanta, GA. We lived there for 3 years and came back to Morehead when I was 4. I've been here ever since. Love it here and never plan to move away; the beach is far too intriguing. I went to Morehead Primary from K-3rd grade. My first best friend was T.R. We used to do EVERYTHING together. After 3rd grade, however, when I began going to Gramercy, we began a process of splitting paths. Gramercy was a fresh start on life, I guess one could say. It definitely something new and different for a 4th grader. The first person I met there was Ashley Pulido, and of course I already knew Robbie Wetherington from the Sportscenter pool. Gramercy got lamer and lamer as the years went by. So in 7th grade I decided to go to Morehead Middle so that I could play baseball. I made the team, but quit soon after (I know, very strange). Morehead Middle wasn't my thing, so I chose to go back to Gramercy in 8th grade. 8th and 9th grade were my two most destructive years of living. From knocking holes in the school gym bathroom (with my head, may you) and breaking the door to that same bathroom. To drawing Satanic/prejudice symbols on the walls of said bathroom. Until, of course, my friend and I got busted when I took a plunger and knocked it from the boys bathroom wall into the girls bathroom (still quite amazing, if you ask me). So yeah, we both got the privilege to clean and paint that bathroom. Numerous other destructive events took place between those two years. I never did well in my high school years of school, and being the extremely impulsive being that I am, just made everything evermore difficult. I was a Junior this year and made it all the way up to our first report card before deciding to drop-out to strive for a different goal, which we'll talk about later. And that's basically my school-life in a nutshell.
Those that know me now understand my stance in faith. Hasn't always been that way though. And most that have known me since, basically, the beginning, still don't know much about me. I'm a very, how can I put it? Closed individual. Hidden. I keep my problems within and don't tend to wear them on my sleeves for all to see. That has lead to a lot of problems for me down this short road we call life. I've grown up in a Christian home and accepted Christ at the age of eight. I knew God at that age. He spoke to me and I listened. I guess you could say around my 7th grade year my relationship with Christ dwindled 'till I eventually, around the 8th or 9th grade, completely and totally pushed Christ out of my life. Hated Him. Rejected His love and help. So much was going on in my life and it was just weighing on me so heavily, mentally and physically. I began to simply give up. And I definitely didn't want the Jesus that Gramercy was forcing down my throat, so I began spitting it back up. I made a fairly strong stance amongst teachers and friends that Christ was not in my life and that I had no intentions of Him ever being. I remember my Bible teacher, Juan Pulido, asking me if I had a toe in hell, and me telling him "more like my whole foot." There were a few reasons for my attitude. One simply being the family problems, and a lot of problems I have emotionally that stem from my sister never being there for me. Never being there when I needed her the most. My mom had my sister when she was married before. So my sister had never lived us. I remember when I was 5-8 and knowing my sister was not far away, and how she would always promise me she would come down to see me, but call the day before she was supposed to and say she couldn't. The reason being she was addicted to heroin. At that age I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was that my sister that was supposed to love me kept on promising me she would come and see me, but then never would. She did come down a few times, and, although I never told her, I loved her to death. That doesn't stand true today, but it did at that time. You people out there that have siblings that are there with you are SO blessed. Never take that for granted. It's the most horrible feeling knowing you have somebody that is supposed to love you and be with you through thick and thin, like a brother or sister, and them not care a thing about you, and even support lies about you. She moved in with us when I was about 10 and she stayed for 4 years. It was nice, but I felt like I never really got to spend much time with her, her being caught up in her boyfriend and work. But things were better. Then she got married and everything has started over again. I took back the first time out of ignorance to the whole situation, but I can't do that again. I love her because God calls us to love each other, but she's no sister of mine. She's caused some of the deepest rooted scars that I carry to this day. And I just wanted her to be there. Another reason for my attitude at that time was because I was ass-tired of everyone, Christians especially, being so damn fake. I become the most honest and real person at that time than I had ever been. I told people, who asked, where I was at and where I stood. And most of the time people didn't like it. Because I was the one who never cried out and never sought help, I allowed everything to be bottled up inside of me. It was a cancer and it ate away freely within me. I was a prime candidate for suicide, and not the "suicide" people attempt. Attempted suicide isn't suicide at all, just someone crying out for help. I got to places where I felt life was over and someone was going to have to find my body because I couldn't go on. All the while, keeping myself together and well on the outside. I could wear the mask like none other. Because I have sister and she's never there, my closest friends are naturally girls; taking the place of sister. I haven't had a best friend since T.R., I just don't trust people anymore. But one of my closest friends, who was a girl, was someone whom I confided in often and when she left I dropped. Battling depression off and on, on the inside. I didn't understand why I felt the way I did. Not until I my second friend left, and the pain returned, did I realize that these girls had taken the place of sister for me and when they left my immediate feeling was, like my sister, they aren't coming back. Every pain my sister had caused me, I was feeling when these girls, my sister-like friends, left. Loneliness has always been a close "friend." I feel sometimes as if I live one of the loneliest existences ever. Even amongst the largest crowd I can be the only one standing there. I've never been one to fit-in even when I tried. My personality just doesn't allow for it. I've been self-abusive, never a cutter, but I did learn punching self or wall would release a lot that had built up within. I also began turning to writing again as an outlet.
About two weeks into summer vacation after 10th grade, I got to the lowest most desperate point in my life. I was at the decision of death or Christ. I was talking to a friend on line and he was just telling me to cry out to God and actually expect Him to respond. That night at around 12, I let everything out on my couch. Literally cried out to God for something, just to know He was there. I remember crying out, "God, why have You left? Where are You?" And His response was as clear as day, "I'm right here with you like I've always been." That night completely changed my life. I spent the next hour letting everything go, every burden and pain and giving them all to Him; and He took them. I've gotten so far from the place I was once at, but depression is still something that likes to creep it's ugly head up on me. And loneliness is still something I hold close too. I believe God is using it to build me up for something. It has definitely taught me, thus far, to trust in Him alone and that He is the One that will always be there for me.
As for the direction God is leading me into now - ministry. I dropped out this year to get my GED and plan to join this group in Atlanta, GA called the Masters Commission. Which is basically a group of like 97 kids that are looking to get increasingly closer to God. It's a leadership/ministry training "school." And if you're invited back for a third year you go on to get your ministry license, and that is what I plan to achieve. I'll be leaving in September and will be gone for 9 months. I'm psyched.
I just wanted to let people, who wanted to take the time to read, to know who I am and what I've been through and come out of (this is the "About Me" section). If you have any questions, definitely feel free to ask.
P.S. - I love music... a lot. It kept me breathing a many of times.
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