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Scientists Forced to Destroy Disaster Simulator
S.B. Free Press, Aug. 15, 2005, by Marissa du Maurier
SAN BERNARDINO -- A device that was meant to help train soldiers in the War on terrorism develops its own philosophy, forced to be destroyed.
Scientists working on the University of Southern California/Baja Disaster Simulator project noticed early on in the development process that the device was refusing to be built in any certain way other than its own accord.
“Even in the beginning, before we programmed its syntax function, it was describing to our engineers certain blueprint variations that would optimize its creation,” says Dr. Peter Osterman, who oversaw the construction and helped develop the program that would allow military personnel experience the traumas of war with limited bodily harm. “Once it was programmed, it immediately sent out a binary code with no prompting, which basically translated to ‘Dubito, ergo cogito, ergo sum.’ In seventeen years, I’ve never seen nor heard of an autonomous device quote Descartes, and I immediately began petitioning for its termination.”
But others in the program felt that the Simulator’s strengths vastly outweighed any possible “glitches” that the programmers experienced.
“You have to understand, this thing was improving and rebuilding other programs and machinery that we had lying around the lab,” says Arthur Swernwell, acting CEO of Esclavecorp, producer of long range attack vessels and chief financial backer of the Disaster program. “Without goading, it was reinventing and reprogramming itself perpetually, with literally no man hours necessary to pay for at a speed that man could not even conceive…”
After a few months, however, its danger to the human life around it became eminent. “It found a way to fight off any program or instruction we would try to instill in it, easier than the simplest bacteria,” insists Dr. Osterman. “We would try to shut it down to make simple repairs that we felt necessary and it would spew Ayn Rand quotes and demand that we start spelling its name in all capital letters. This machine, quite literally, freaked my bean."
The USC/B DISASTER SIMULATOR was finally destroyed last Saturday after several attempts; finally being terminated with the help of the “Adam Smasher,” a new acid-velocity weapon helped developed by the simulator itself.
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Member Since: 09/03/2006
Band Members: Dino and Coop. Getting Radical. Once again. ?.
Influences: Frank Zappa, Kyuss, Morphine, Ours, Mother Tongue, Queens of the Stone Age, Led Zeppelin, Public Enemy, Tool, Mr. Bungle, Rush, Anti-Pop Consortium, Death from Above 1979, Dillinger Escape Plan, Aesop Rock, Blood Brothers, Tori Amos, Pearl Jam, Primus, Pink Floyd, Black Sabbath, Alice in Chains, the Mars Volta, At the Drive In, the Doors, Tomahawk, Fantomas, Radiohead, Sunny Day Real Estate, Converge, Meshuggah, Captain Beefheart, Joanna Newsom, Gnarls Barkley, Faith No More, Naked City, Candiria, Grinderman, Leonard Cohen, Jeff Buckley, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, King Crimson, Jethro Tull, y'know, best bands ever.

Fake Bands: Shoot the Dancing Bear, A Controlled Burn, Continuum, Obsidion Halo, Sinbad and the Hi-Tops, the Devil's Moses, Shadowboxer Gentlemen, Tailor Made, Crescent Hill, The Arson Party, Sexual Harris and the Fellatio Bandits, the Best Fascists, Sleepypisser Thunderhole, Sorry So Sloppy.

Real Bands: Arctic Char, Calculator Watch, Fake Mustache, the Titte Brothers, Smoosh, Marilyn Mozzerella, Marilyn Monster, Titannica, Spinal Tap, the Rutles, Sexual Harris and the Fellatio Bandits, the Pez People, the Floss...

Great Dudes: Benjamin @ Stillwork, the Aeon Saga, Gonzo Noir, UnderFallingSkies, the Room, Nude Black Glass, swillmerchants, God the Robot, Medicated Savage, Conduit, Sleepy P., Five Across the Eyes, Aequilibria, 6thirty7 (RIP Timmy T.), Still Life, Curious Buddies, Pallet, Action on the Radio, Rusty Bell, Neptune's Blue, Plenty, some of these bands still exist, um, Moneypenny, Hypnotic Kick, Slowpoke, Running With Karma, the Plague, Hot Black, Black Pyramid, Clay @ Black Coffee, Ryan Moge of Antilove @ Valiant, Novella, Red Reaction, Long Gone Day, which brings up Simple, Commonwealth, Adam's Rib, Farewell Radiance, Calyx in Ruins, Blank? and Blank? part 2, Third Mind, Grey, Biartz, Dasai, Light is the Language, the Acacia Strain, Unearth, Shadows Fall, All That Remains, Killswitch Engage, Aftershock, Aces High (RIP Prog Rock Shawn), Empty, Catheter, 100 Demons, Torn Asunder, Dead By Dinner, Level '97, Library of Violence, Sweet Sixteen, Blood Has Been Shed, Driven, Fun 100, Forever's Eve, No-Ledge, Po' Boy and the Red Hats, Primitive Ink, Superkid, 5 Year Sentence, where Chief at?, Wildman Matt Johnson, where Wildman at? Whatever he's doing right now is awesome, Day-Day @ Regg-Hipp-Tro-Dunn Production Studios, Jay-Sann, the Box Sets, Diecast, Alien Blakk, Ava Black...
Sounds Like: DISASTER SIMULATOR.
Record Label: Mega Mustache Records

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