BN Crew

It all started way back in 1991. Irwin R. Schyster was president, the advent of colour television brought new excitement to peoples otherwise dull lives and a fledgling band from the ghetto area of Dubh Linn were about to break down the walls of a dying music scene. That band were the Buttnuggets Crew - later to become the BNC. This is their courageous story.

THE BEGINNING Fresh from a night of drug abuse, three young men were tired of the non stop shit that assaulted their ears on the radio every day. The first of these was Cebral, later to change his name to Shakira and then back again. He was an unemployed exotic dancer looking for work and a change of lifestyle. He was to become the creative force behind the BN. Doctor Leo Hernandez was his partner in crime and between them, they amassed well over three thousand song writing credits before they had even met each other. These included Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" and Rodney King's "White Supremacy". Dr. Leo was a Latino kid who had grown up in a racist area of Marino known as 'South Central'. His hispanic background shows itself in his unique style of flow known in certain circles as 'Latino Heat'. The last member present on that fateful night was El DiablOByrne, a fabled nazi sympathiser and media pundit. His overtly racist attitude and constant need for rebellion often led to conflict with Dr. Leo usually leading to blows.
These three were to be the backbone of the BN crew in it's early days and were responsible for their first album; the eclectic "Tippin' the Cow". A mix of urban junglist beats and big band stlye anthems. Upon it's release, "Tippin'" became an instant classic outselling its nearest chart rival (Guns n Roses - Use your Illusion II) by almost three to one. It secured the number one spot on the 5th of August 1993 and stayed on top of the charts for three months. During this time, singles such as "Alcopop" and "Fuck you & the whore you rode in on" gained infamy as the first songs to appear on national radio to deal with the subjects of underage drinking and prostitution. Amazingly, it wasn't until January of 1994 that people realised that the lyrics were in fact in favour of both and indeed promoting both as acceptable activities in which to be involved. The streets were flooded with underage drinkers and underage hookers, much to the excitement of the members of the BN Crew. However not everybody enjoyed this new 'Golden Age'.
THE BACKLASH Music stores right across the nation tore down BN crew posters from their walls. CDs were collected and burned in mass burnings led by the 'Society for Understanding, Compassion and Kare' or S.U.C.K. These self styled moral guardians of the nation or S.U.C.K.ers as they became known waged war against the BNC claiming that they were corrupting the youth and promoting unacceptable behaviour. The BN responded to these wild accusations with ignorant force, burning down churches, kicking small dogs and abusing old people often using the dreaded 'Chair shot'. The public began to turn against the BN Crew deeming them as mindless thugs. The BN yet again responded with mindless thuggery. But it was still clear that the BN needed some longevity, Dr. Leo and ElDiablOByrne's intense creative rivalry was reaching titanic proportions. It was a time bomb waiting to be dumped on. Cebral saw this danger and decided to inject some new life into the throbbing veins of the BNC.

THEN THERE WERE 5 Cebral called on his long time friend and former dance partner The Toolbox. Toolbox had an almost unnatural rhythm and ability to spot a chart hit in the making. Two of the BN's most successful tracks "B & Snippy" and "B's chewing tobacco" were written and produced by Toolbox and Cebral giving the hardcore BN fanbase something new. Toolbox had an eating disorder which meant that he had to have his stomach pumped and his bowels cleaned almost weekly. This was a $4000 treatment which ate into the BN's funds considerably and caused great tension within the band, especially among the original members. To attract a younger audience, the BN employed the help of a childrens entertainer known only as "cool hand Luke". 'Quickfist' as he liked to be called became the acceptable public face of the BNC often hogging the limelight during interviews. He enjoyed life in the fast lane and became a fixture on the Hollywood party scene. He regularly chartered the BN's private jet to fly him or his ladyfriends to a social event half way acround the globe. His striking looks and imposing physique graced the covers of hundreds of teen girl magazines and more than a few men's 'special intrest' magazines. His love of the high life however often left him strung out on the day of an important gig, leaving his bandmates to explain his absence to expectant fans.
CHRISTMAS COMES LATE The BNC, now a fivepiece needed to cement their reputation as the greatest band on Earth with a Christmas number one, however laziness and time off for creche raids meant that Christmas day came and the BN had failed to record thier single "Christmas Log" in time. It was finally recorded and released in January. It sold in record numbers and there were many calls to move Christmas itself to coincide with whenever the BN could be bothered to release singles. This whole episode showed how much power the BN had at the height of their success. Governments granted them immunity in an attempt to harness the power of the youth vote. The police turned a blind eye to their murderous rampages and it is widely believed that they were behind the LA riots. In fact, many people believe that the BN are responsible for the majority of the unexplained dissappearances in the world. Unfortunately, the high rolling life that the BN led began to take its toll on the bandmembers and before long tensions in the band filled every headline of every paper.

BNC Vs BNC The notorious Dr. Leo as he insisted on being called became involved in many other projects in 1997. His hideous face was plastered across the music industry's most exclusive magazines. In every interview he talked of his solo projects and other bands, referring to the BN crew as " a bunch of soulless inbred amateurs incapable of functioning without the notorious one" (Rolling Stone interview - 12/7/97). Understandably the BN hit back by administering a savage beating to seven of Dr. Leo's eight bastard sons, confining them all to wheelchairs. Dr Leo was at he height of his creative peak and his Latino heat flows were taking the world by storm. His infidelity to the BN resulted in several reprimands by the powers that be in the BN and more than one vicious assaults. It is widely believed that he received over fifty broken bones at the hands of the BN members during the later months of 1997. It was clear that the BN were heading for difficulties.
THE ALL-STARS It was around this time that the most disturbing BN trend of all came to the fore. Due to the innovative nature of the crew's music, several tracks featured co-collaborators from the world of hip-hop, organised crime and pro-wrestling. These co-collaborators became known as the BN all-stars and often attended the awards shows with the sole intention of injuring and/or offending. These all-stars included BN favourites like Gaidan, Hambone, The Muinteoir and Danz, among many others. These brought an interesting edge to the BN's music but also an interesting array of weapons with them to public places. The re-popularisation of the knuckle duster is widely attributed to Danz who is currently picking up dropped soap in the Tampa Bay correctional institute. Undoubtedly, the All-stars added a significant creative influx to the BN and kept their sound fresh but experts agree that they probably did more damage than they did good. The all-stars would often gather groups of fans together from outside BN stageshows with the promise of meeting the band. Once inside the venue, they would force these fans (both male and female, under age and over) into unspeakable acts of depravity. When confronted by promoters or police, they regularly used bats and chains as a form of response. It got to the stage where they were banned from BN gigs by the BN themselves leading to infighting amongst the BN as to who would fill in the all-stars verses.

REDEMPTION? Dr. Leo spent most of 1998 in rehabilitation at the 'medical facility for Latin rap meisters' in Ohio. During this time, most of the material being released by the BN was slated by critics as dull and unimaginative. It appeared that without Fleo's rhymes, the BNC were nothing. Despite a number of hit singles, 1998 was a lean year for the BN. Quickfist Luke spent a considerable portion of that year incarcerated and under investigation for his part in a plot to assassinate the already dead President J.F.Kennedy. Toolbox often missed scheduled recording sessions to reignite his love affair with the erotic dance circuit. ElDiablO'Byrne, now devoid of a nemesis with Leo in traction, picked random fights at award shows, banquets and even charity auctions. Cebral found himself alone at press releases and public meetings, often having to explain the absences of his bandmates to the waiting media. The fans were growing tired of the BN's renegade ways and record sales slumped. 'Tippin the cow' became a bargain basement filler and their videos were all but dropped from MTV&..39;s playlists. It seemed that despite the new wave of enthusiasm that quickfist and toolbox had brought with them, the BN were headed for a dead end to the rollercoaster careers.
THE LOFTY FILES It had been three months since the members had appeared at an official BN function together. The record buying public had sought solace in the interchangeable pop acts which littered the billboard top 100 charts and the BN looked like crawling back under the rocks from which they had initially crawled out from. But help was to arrive in an unlikely shape. The shape of a human person. His name was Lofty. At a towering 8'11'' tall, Lofty was a star of the NBA and a national celebrity. He had appeared in over two thousand commercials, promoting everything from sneakers to snakeskin pants and chinese food to chinese people. He, like most Americans had been a BN fan and when he had become disheartened with his playboy lifestyle, he would play a BN CD and forget his troubles. He figured that he owed the BN for all the quality music and merchandise that had assaulted his ears and wallet over the past 6 years. He organised a wet t-shirt competition to bring the 5 BN members together, knowing as he did the BN's love of wet stuff. The day of the competition arrived on the 7th of May, 1999. Lofty had received personal replies from each BN member expressing their excitement at the impending competition. All except Quickfist who had received an invitation to an all-male grease gathering.

The First BN Funeral All except Quickfist who had received an invitation to an all-male grease gathering. As Lofty opened his car door to drive to the Georgia HooverDome, site of the competition, three masked assailants attacked him and beat him to the ground. Despite being parked outside the police headquarters at the time, the police did not arrive for three and a half hours, by which time Lofty had bled to death. The competition was cancelled in honour of this remarkable star. His funeral was a torrid affair with all 5 BN members and several of the All-Stars (the BN subordinates) causing a rumble to match that at the funeral of Elvis Pressely. The coffin was smashed over the head of the Toolbox causing him to suffer internal haemhorraghing and eventual brain damage. Cebral used the battered corpse of his friend to outnumber and beat ElDiablO'Byrne while Dr. Leo administered the dreaded last rites to Quickfist. This was a move that the Doctor had perfected on the tough streets of Marino whereby he would twist his vivtim's head through 98 degrees (a kind of homage to his favorite band) and slam it to the pavement, in this case the altar of the first methodist church in New Hampshire. Police broke up the funeral and the BN went their seperate ways, bruised and battered at each other's hands.


THE FUTURE So, what now for the BN? Will the world ever see the undeniable creative genius of the BN back in the charts? I posed the question to Cebral at his cotton-picking ranch in the deep south. "Whether we get back together or not...Well, I guess it's possible. The important thing is that chinese people are stopped. I mean we all like rice but every day...What the fuck is that about? Now they want me to eat square watermelons or some shit. Not in my town, I dont. Fuck the BN Crew. I havent got time for you. Fuck off home to Shanghai before I napalm your ass." Cebral has clearly suffered the rock stars curse - he is clinically insane. I decided to track down the other BN members to try and make sense of some of the rumours which have been circling the BN carcass. Dr. Leo refused to comment on a possible BN reunification but was able to tell me that he has bedded over sixteen thousand women since the BN crew went their seperate ways. He is a salesman in 'Bedz for Less' in Wisconsin. He still writes lyrics but is resigned to the fact that no-one really wants to hear them. Quickfist and Toolbox treated me to an exotic dance and said that they had yet to be approached with the idea of a comeback single. When I asked Toolbox if the money was right would he consider it, he said he would do anything for money and licked his lips suggestively. I left the 'Greasy Goujon' adult emporium and headed in search of ElDiablO'Byrne. I am yet to find him as he hasn't been seen since his ill-fated trip to the bermuda triangle. Should you have any information whatsoever regarding the whereabouts of him, please contact me at the above address. Any information which results in the successful interviewing of ElDiablo will be rewarded with a credit in my forthcoming book, 'The BN - Fuck you.'