About Me
Sorry I dont have any pictures of me pretending to sleep or in a pool. That seems to be the cool thing to do around here. Maybe I will put some pictures up on here of me sleeping IN a pool. It will be very Darryl Hannah in Splash. I am also considering doing the obligatory "Cute Fuzzy Animal in Arms to Soften the Hearts of Men" photo or Scenic background to prove I go outside bear favorite.
I am a 30 year old white male financial manager/student with a passion for pop culture, old movies, and sarcasm. I was sent to this earth to fight the war against plaque and tartar build up as well as nasty hard water stains and pesky mildew. I am kid-tested, mother approved. I haven't been tested on animals, am hypo-allergenic, and come with a handy carrying case.
On hot days you can find me playing with my Snoopy Snow Cone Machine. At night I used to bake with my EZ Bake oven, but I haven't had time to go to buy new light bulbs. I keep putting it off because I am so busy celebrating the moments of my life with General Foods International Coffees sprawled out buck-naked on a twister game. (Can't you just picture that!)
I also am an aspiring actor. Look for me in the newest Stay-Free Maxi Pad commercial with Mary Kate and Ashley and a series of new training bra commercials with Dakota Fanning. This of course is just a stepping stone as I my ultimate goal is to become an extra in a disaster film, as well as stand in the background with dark sunglasses on and bob my head to the beat of the music in a rap video. Once I auditioned for the part of the second Becky in ROSEANNE but Rosie didn't want me. Something about my goatee bugged her... Whatever!! She can stuff her loose-meat sandwiches up her poonanny.
In my spare time I also like to pee on pesky garden gnomes, write porn dialogue, run around with scissors, play air-kazoo, play ball in the house, rip the tags off of mattresses, pop bubble wrapping, watch television movies with fading 80's actresses, breast feed the homeless, color outside of the lines, step on cracks in the sidewalks, cook 3 minute noodles in 2 minutes, double-park, jay walk, pour glue on my hand and let it dry only to peel it off again, let my hand stick out of a fast moving car window and let it soar like a kite and a variety of other things that will keep my interest going.
Things I hate?
Stuffed animals in the back windows of cars, people who shave their eyebrows off and paint them back in again, children's television shows with squeaky clean men who talk to puppets, rude people, OLD PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE, trench coats worn with shorts or mini-skirts, blue jeans and high heels and gay guys who hate lesbians.
I am still a cool guy that loves to laugh.
I will be at Bears on Ice in Saskatchewan, The 4th Annual Bear Pie Eating Contest in Boca Raton, Sarcastic Bear Weekend in Compton, and BearBus to LA's Finest Garage Sales Weekend. Come join the fun at reasonable prices.
This profile has been featured in People Magazine, Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, The Los Angeles Times, Cigar Aficionado, and AARP Quarterly. Please proceed with caution and keep all hands and feet inside the vehicle. Once I have turned off the NO SEATBELT sign, feel free to move about the cabin. We do recommend, however, that when you ARE seated that you DO have your seatbelt fastened for unforeseen emergency situations.
Keep out of the reach of children.
There are NO Emergency Exits.
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