"I am the queen, you are the worker bee. Your job is to feed me, do me, and die!" - my name is earl
"Are those sad tissues... or happy tissues???" - forgetting sarah marshall
"This tastes like... a bandaid..." - my mom commenting on stacy's vegetarian hot dog, it was hilarious...
"It's hard to eat pasta in the dark"
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes :)
"I'm really not as stubborn as I seem", said the knuckle to the concrete... - some random motion city soundtrack song
"You can't be half a virgin, you're either a virgin... or a slut" - the riches
"There's no internet to find out why the internet isn't working!!!" - south park
"Am I the only one in this family that isn't stupid? You can't get cancer in your breast, there's no bone there!" - the whitest kids you know
"You should do porn!" --Ashley commenting on how fast Stacy chugged the birthday car bomb I bought her...
What's the point of living... if you don't have a dick? - Donnie Darko
"If I take viagara it's just to keep from rolling out of bed" - jeff dunham's old guy puppet
"I used to wear white t-shirts but then I started doing car bombs." - Mike
(Knocked up)
Sadie: Where do babies come from?
Debbie: Where do you think they come from?
Sadie: Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.
Debbie: That's exactly right.
"I'd give you a taste, but your tongue's in the stew... irony..." - stephen lynch
"Isn't that a bit devious? or shall we say 'unfair gameplay'? it's like having cheat codes in a video game, only in real life and the cheat codes aren't codes, they're boobs." - foamy...
(it's obviously pouring) "Is it raining?" "No, it's national baptism day. Tie your tubes, idiot" - gilmore girls
"hey, I put the f-u in 'fun'" ... "can a woman wear white to her wedding if she wasn't a virgin when she still had a penis?" ... "ball and chain has gone away, do da, do da, drink martinis naked day, oh do da day!" - dharma and greg
"i'm so glad to have finally finished high school. It's such a relief to know everything." -that 70s show
"what did I tell you? who's the pitcher and who's the catcher!?" - ren ... "You're the pitcher - I'm the catcher, You're the pitcher, I'm the catcher" - stimpy From the lost episodes...
"you can't have chunky legs and wear chunky shoes." - stacy
"I love your daughter, and I respect her... and I never stopped respecting her... even when the cops came." - that 70's show
"I'm gonna cook us a romantic dinner. So you go put on something pretty and I'll warm up the toaster oven." - that 70's show again
"If you don't write my paper, I'm un-tucking your shirt!" -paul
"text me if your parents are dead" - josh
"righty loosey, lefty tighty" - scrubs
"these hands have been giving relief to people for years" "what people?" "lots of people... well actually just myself" - 8 simple rules
"we eat our mistakes here, monsieur abe!" "but i dropped a glass!" "eat it, eat it!" (and then abe proceeds to eat a broken glass) - clone high
"A person doesn't have to be perfect to be exactly what you need." - scrubs
"I will eat your babies, BITCH!" - it's always sunny
"He was like 16 sheets to the wind..." - alisha
"get drunk with jello!!" - josh
"oh, i've just been agreeably perusing a volume bearing the appellation of 'the thesaurus'" - toothpastefordinner
"I will take you into the bedroom right now and then you will be walking sideways for the rest of your life because I will have used all of your up and down" - scrubs
"are you bm'ing? i hope you plan on eating that because i just fired the maid" - sarah silverman (to doug of course)
"I'll tickle your pants!" - the guy from motion city soundtrack threatening bandmembers at the concert...
"You never know when you'll need a nutcracker in your bed" - my mom (there was a nutcracker on her bed...)
"lose one friend, lose all friends, lose yourself" - plays with squirrels (aka eric) on boy meets world