Instrument of Creativity
With the band lineup complete, it was time to finalize the instruments. While
plectrums, guitars and concertinas were all considered, they were eventually
passed over in favor of air harpsichord, bottles, aluminum soda cans and their
tabs, and the coconut bra played with spoons. The pepper grinder was considered,
but posed the problem of allergic reactions, so a sea-salt grinder was suggested
as an alternative. The idea was received with great enthusiasm and has worked
successfully while the hunt for a hypoallergenic pepper replacement continues.
It was around this time that long-time (only) fan Jones-McKenzie was recruited
to serve as interim band manager, in large part due to her extensive bottle
recycling and ownership of a mini vac (for sea salt cleanup).
Sadly, pepper allergies were not the only obstacle to stand in the way of this unique musical trio. Along with the frequent confusion of reality, band members struggled with coulrophobia (fear of clowns), monkey-touching issues, and a fear of airplane peanuts. Rather than let these troubling personal issues stand in their way, the band members embraced their issues, and Ellen set to work -- alongside her trusty computer-generated lyrics program -- to create an anthem for all generations and nationalities. Thus was born the truly inspirational first hit, Ridiculous Russian Dolls:
Your skin glows like the banana,
It blossoms as the stinkweed in the purest hope of spring.
My heart follows your squeaky voice,
and leaps like a cockroach at the whisper of your name.
The evening floats in on a great vulture wing.
I am comforted by your business sock that I carry into the twilight.
I am filled with hope that I may dry your tears of syrup.
As my foot falls from my sock, it reminds me of your ridiculous Russian doll.
In the quiet, I listen for the last scream of the day.
My spleen leaps to my throat.
I wait for you in the moonlight so that we may yell as one, monkey to monkey,
in search of the magnificent and mystically ridiculous Russian doll of love.
The spectacular artistry of the song lead to Ellen and her computer being compared to Lennon and McCartney. Or Lenin and McCarthy. There was confusion as to which pairing Andria meant, as she was speaking through a mouthful of (pi).
Tours and Tribulations
With Ridiculous Russian Dolls under their belt, the band was ready
for it's first live gig -- particularly after rampant rumors of the show were
spread by the band's new number-one fan, Say What? Chiswick Roundabout was the
proposed site of this historic event, and the band's chain-mail costumes were
de-rusted in preparation for the show. The band was even featured heavily in
the December issue of Faux Bands Weekly, as the countdown to the show
began.
Sadly, the show was cancelled after Ellen's coulrophobia acted up after an inadvertent run-in with some clown art. The band didn't lose heart, though. Instead, they threw themselves back into their work, coming up with the lyrics for their poignant, heart-wrenching song, Why Clowns?
Twisted balloon animals, loud squeaky toys, frighteningly
big shoes
Why Bob, Why?
Loud squeaky toys, spooky squirting flowers, clowns
Why Bob, Why?
What have I done to deserve this black horror?
Surrounded on all sides in this Hell of clowns
Like a rabid zombie, I'm quivering and alone
Why Bob, Why?
Garishly ugly costumes, twisted balloon animals, scary red
wigs
Why Bob, Why?
Clowns, scary red wigs, frighteningly big shoes
Why Bob, Why?
What have I done to deserve this black disaster that is
my life?
Surrounded on all sides in this Hell of clowns
Like a rabid zombie, I'm shivering and alone
Why Bob, Why?
What have I done to deserve this black misery?
Surrounded on all sides in this Hell of clowns
Like a rabid zombie, I'm whimpering and alone
Why Bob, Why?
Why Bob, Why?
Why Bob, Why?
Why Bob, Why?
Why Bob, Why?
Uber-fan, Say What?, had this to say of Why Clowns?: "This song is amazing. It's the most politically unflinching randomly generated song I have ever heard ... um, read. "What have I done to deserve this black disaster that is my life?" -- I've said this many times. And the "rabid zombie" ... well, that's me all the way. This song touches my soul in a way I can never explain, not even with emoticons. THANK YOU SO MUCH, BE!!!!!"
Monkey Madness
Realizing the impact they were having by sharing their trials and tribulations
through song, the band turned its eyebrow toward Andria's monkey-touching (MT)
issues. Her open and frank discussion of this topic in Faux Bands Weekly
helped shine a light on this issue that had been ignored for too long.
Yet monkey-touching isn't something from which you can be completely cured; it's a disease that stays with you for the rest of your life. Worried that too much direct focus on the problem could lead to a relapse, Andria decided to write a song seemingly about the horror of paper cuts, but secretly dealing with her MT issues.
Paper Cuts
I feel miserable
recyclables make me ill
I feel miserable
Monkeys tear at my foundations
I feel miserable
Standardized tests are dragging me down to the depths of misery
I want to die
Is it because of paper cuts that I feel this way?
With the red rays of misery pounding on my brain?
Or am I lost in tale of H.A. Rey, adrift far from home
I don't think so, I don't think so.
George Broke My Will to Live
I was getting better but then
George Broke My Will to Live
I feel miserable
Band-aids rot the flesh from my bones
I feel miserable
Ingrown hairs defeat my purpose
I feel miserable
Bananas are doing their best to impale my soul
I want to die
Is it because of Paper Cuts that I feel this way?
With the red rays of misery pounding on my brain?
Am I lost in tale of H.A. Rey, adrift far from home
I don't think so, I don't think so.
George Broke My Will to Live
Oh Unsystematic-turn-of-events, George Broke My Will to Live
I was getting better but then
George Broke My Will to Live
The Fifth Beatle(brow)
From the early days of Brezhnev's Eyebrow, the band was in talks with the infamous
Fluffernutter, trying to get her g-string and jug talents included on their
8-track debut. The elusive Fluffernutter was eventually tracked down near an
Outback Steakhouse and was convinced to participate in the recording of this
groundbreaking debut album. However, rather than the passé 8-track tape,
Fluffernutter insisted that the band truly branch out and record the album on
vintage wax phonograph cylinders. The 10pm edition of Ersatz Bbands Hourly
catches up with the band during this exciting time:
Update from the Hinterlands: Brezhnev's Eyebrows
BE heads to the studio today to begin work on recording their first single Ridiculous
Russian Dolls featuring The Fluffernutter. There has been much buzz as
to recording method. In a controversial move, BE has put aside the popular 8
track recording method and are going for the vintage wax phonograph cylinder
method instead. One thing you can always count on from BE is their willingness
to be unconventional.
In other BE news, the number of bband members is in flux. Spokesperson for the HOTAC reports that BE is in the midst of negotiations with The Fluffernutter's people regarding possible future joint recordings. There has been speculation in the faux bband circles that The Fluffernutter may be working on hitching her caboose to the meandering vintage bband's train.
As all fans are aware, Andria had a short attack of MT last week and is quoted as saying "This last weekend was the worst. We were just arriving in the Hinterlands as the famous Hinterland Traveling Menagerie was finishing up their last run of the year. I did have a short relapse; I am ashamed to admit. It will not affect our recording schedule. With the support of my fellow bband members, I know I will get through it."
Ellen is said to be flying high after a recent guest appearance on FCL! Crowd-goers say she kept the house "in fits" with her comedic impressions and hard hitting ones liners. Ellen is scheduled to appear again in April 2014. On the topic of her comedy act, Ellen has been known to say "I only do it every decade or so. I tweak the material a little before every performance, but most of the time the material is still relevant from decade to decade."
It is also reported that newest bband member Ggayle has been offered a 6 month stint as the "Face of Saccharine Brouhaha", the sweets choice of all faux bbands. As of yet, there is no official confirmation.
Band Manager Jones-McKenzie (BMJM), the behind the scenes logistical worker, is said to be developing a cutting edge "traveling hospital" to aide all bband managers. At a recent press conference, BMJM said "These days faux bband night life can be ... unmanageable. With this technology I hope to stop all those embarrassing cancellations of Open Mic Nights."
Wax Works
True to form, BE soon faced yet another setback on their recording path. The
wax cylinders they had painstakingly tracked down disappeared. Some whispered
that it was the work of rival band Lenin's Goatee, while others believed the
disappearance was more of a meltdown. Literally. Traces of melted wax next to
the fireplace suggest that the storage of the wax cylinders there for safekeeping
might not have been the best idea.
As the band pulled itself back together yet again and sat down to discuss a return to the 8-track, tragedy struck yet again.
All work was suspended after a scary clown incident.
Brezhnev's Eyebrows has faced much difficulty in their short career, but time
and time again, they have pulled themselves from the rubble. Each setback has
served as inspiration. We can only hope that this latest incident will lead
to more inspired greatness.