22

22 BIOGRAPHY
Immediately upon entering the room I knew Id made a mistake. The tall one was a particularly mean looking bastard. - Excerpt from How I Get My Kicks: An Autobiography, by Steve Staunton
22 are an experimental rock act based in Limerick, Ireland. However the origins of this band lie not in the field of music or performance, but in the field of international soccer. Cast your mind back to the summer of 1990. The entire world was gripped by World Cup fever. In Ireland - a country especially caught up in the excitement, since it was the first time the nation had succeeded in sending a team to the tournament - two young boys, attending Milford National School, Limerick, had won first prize in a colouring competition. The pupils names: Martin Keary and Barry Brien. The prize: official ball-boys to the Irish squad for Irelands first match of the tournament, against ______.
The prize comprised of flights to Italy, accommodation and game tickets for both the Keary family and the Brien family. However the cherry on top of the cake was the privilege that young Martin and Barry were to enjoy the chance to walk out on to the pitch with their heroes, the Irish soccer team. Being a ball-boy was first and foremost an honourary position, but there were one or two tasks required of the young Martin and Barry, or Jacks Lads as they were affectionately known to the squad, to perform. For example it is customary for the ball-boys to spend time with the team in the changing rooms before a game begins. The ball-boys are sometimes asked to sing, or dance, or tell a joke, in order to put the team at ease and relieve the pre-game nerves. However, this being Irelands first ever World Cup match, a lot of the squad were feeling quite nervous. It was in this very dressing room, before Irelands first ever World Cup match that the band 22 were born.
Nobody can be sure of what exactly went on in this dressing room between the Irish football squad and the two primary school pupils from Limerick. Many of the squad to this day refuse to comment on what was said or done, but certain players, at the time, used the press to defend themselves and explain what supposedly happened. Some will argue that it was unfair of Cascarino to publicly call Martin, a child of eight, a fucking disgrace to his nation. Some will say that Martin was out of line for, according to dual testimony from John Aldridge and Packie Bonner, urinating on an Irish jersey in front of the entire squad minutes before kick-off. Though a lot of mud-slinging and fighting took place in the national papers, the following is the fullest account offered of what happened. Squad physiotherapist _____ _____ relays his impressions of events upon this day:
Well the lads were sitting around, not too much was being said like, and then Ray goes Send in the wee fellas, sure they may be good for a giggle. So the two ball-boys are shown into the changing room, and they shake hands with the lads, kick around the ball for a bit, and then, John goes sing a song. So the boys start to sing like, and theyre singing our World Cup song, you know, the Olé, Olé, Olé, song, but a dirty version, one that you wouldnt hear on the radio now. And one of the lines I think was something to do with Pauls, Paul McGraths parents, or something like that. You know just a bit of fun, but out of the blue Paul is shouting, the two kids stop singing and theyre just stood there, frozen. Paul is very upset you cheeky little effing calling them all these names. Paul gets a bit tense before a game, and hed been off the drink at this stage due to the training, but whatever happened, he just completely lost it like. The poor children were petrified, and what happened was that one of them was so scared of Paul that hed wet his pants. Now at this point the child had been standing on one of the jerseys, I think Paul had thrown it down in a gesture of rage at some point. So anyway, the child is after destroying the jersey, and hes stood there crying, frozen to the spot and Paul starts again. You effing this, you effing that, you pissed on my shirt! Paul had to be restrained by his team-mates, both the children were in tears. There was uproar. So security had to be called in the end anyway, and the two ball boys were taken off away back to their families, and the Irish squad came onto the pitch without ball-boys for their first ever World Cup match.
This curious story was picked up by the press for a short time, with many publications condemning Paul McGraths behaviour, branding him a monster, a yob and a threat to the young people of Ireland. However when a photo of Martin wearing the very shirt hed soiled appeared in The Star accompanied by the headline FORMER BALL-BOY WANTS DEFEAT FOR IRELAND it came close to national scandal. The story was an attack on the Irish team members, claiming that their unforgivable behaviour had robbed two children of their innocence. In the interview Martin claimed that hed taken the shirt from the players dressing room as an act of revenge, but had actually wanted to take the football instead. The number on the back of the shirt was 22 and the name was ______. In the interview Martin went on to condemn the actions of Paul McGrath, calling him a thug and a crappy footballer. The Evening Herald however actually took McGraths side calling Martins actions a vicious attempt to sabotage the team morale for his own gain, but interest in the story soon died down when Ireland were knocked out of the tournament.
Fast forward eight years and Martin Keary has grown to be an angry, disillusioned young man, with nothing but contempt for his countrys sports stars. Inspired by his early notoriety Martin decides to start a band and play versions of well known songs but to replace the lyrics with his own lyrics which deal exclusively with questioning the parentage of Paul McGrath. He decides that the perfect name for his band isnt a name, but a number, and that number is 22. The band is completed by Benny Armstrong on bass and Paddy Casey on guitar. There was another World Cup quickly approaching and since the band hadnt yet found a drummer that wasnt also mentally ill, the band decides to employ the use of programmed beats. The first 22 show was in Dolans Limerick, during World Cup 98. It was half time between _____ and ______. 22 played to a boozed-up audience of soccer fans. The loud, distorted, dirty, crude songs did not appeal to the audience, who would much preferred some good old soccer music, but there were a few thugs at the bar that seemed to be tapping their feet. Inspired by this success 22 decide to go on and attempt to make a success of themselves. The band began to write songs with a social conscience, songs that tackle such problems as factory farming, child abduction, and geology.
Two years later and after assisting in Paul McGraths final fall from world class athlete to publicly indecent alcoholic, Paddy Casey left the group to pursue a pop career singing songs about getting schoolgirls pregnant. He was replaced by Barry, Martins former fellow ball-boy. Now the line up is Martin Guitar, singing. Benny Bass. Barry Keyboard. CD player Drums. The band recorded a CD with an eccentric millionaire called Harold in his countryside hideaway, and released it in 2001 and one. Comrade Muzik is a concept album inspired by the life of Tola Fukaya, the man who composed the music to such Taito arcade classics as Kung Fu Combat, Super Monster Trucks, and not forgetting Alien Attack. The band toured Ireland with the album, and spent the next few years recording the follow up album The Cultural Coupon. This album is a return to the bands roots, with every song being a direct attack on Paul McGraths legitimacy. The album is set for release in early 2006.
22 have played with such acts as Raging Speedhorn, Ex-Girl, Shelter, Hamell on Trial and The Revs. Their sound has been said to be something akin to The Flaming Lips and Big Black jamming the soundtrack to a Tom and Jerry cartoon, or more accurately, if Data from Star Trek was to have a favourite band, 22 would half sound like them.
22 are set to tour Ireland in 2006, so if you notice that they may be playing near you, remember this singular story and go see them! Or if you see The Cultural Coupon for sale in your local record shop, remember this singular story and go buy it! 22 are mighty. This is the band that forced Jack Charlton onto his exclusive diet of Shredded Wheat. This is the band that forced the retirement of half the 1990 Irish squad.
Its a sad day for football and its a sad day for Ireland - Niall Quinn, Italy 1990