Birdhouse In Her Troubled Soul |
She wanted a bird to land on her shoulder and for the darkness to get off her chest. She stood for hours by the big pine tree in her backyard listening to the sparrows thrash and fight against the bra...
Posted by on Sat, 23 Jan 2010 08:20:00 GMT |
Can't Perform CPR On You Since I Ate Too Many Nachos: A Friendship Poem |
Can't perform CPR on yousince I ate too many nachosMight shit my pants compressing (my how embarrassing!)Cherish your final breath while my ass blowsThere's a burning pit in my colonMust have been the...
Posted by on Fri, 15 Jan 2010 08:30:00 GMT |
This Resolution Will Not Be Televised |
In 2010 I hereby resolve to:1) Start a collective. Of what, I don't know but it sounds cool. 2) Publicly address the improper use of apostrophes and word combining at every offense. Do not dismiss th...
Posted by on Sat, 09 Jan 2010 09:31:00 GMT |
Blood Sacrifice and Business: What America Loves, Loves, Loves |
Corporations may I bend your ear? This recession has hurt "big business" and that is so sad. Advertising costs are too extravagant due to the pesky recession and your image is not reaching everyone. P...
Posted by on Sat, 02 Jan 2010 09:38:00 GMT |
What Are Year End Letters Like During A Recession |
Every family receives one--the year-end letter that some asshole always sends with a cheeseball family portrait Christmas card. This is a reimagining to reflect the recession. Dear (insert family mem...
Posted by on Tue, 15 Dec 2009 23:50:00 GMT |
Away In a Manger No Crib For His Bed-What? Then Charge That Shit Bitch |
Christmas. Someone asked me if i felt this holiday was "too commercial." A brittle guffaw was my immediate reaction. When wasn't it about selling? Selling the Baby Jesus Selling Zsu Zsu Hamsters (I am...
Posted by on Sun, 13 Dec 2009 22:29:00 GMT |
It's like Wham! Meets Phil Anselmo With a Hint of Hellfire |
Wanted: Bandmates into Satanic shredding and optional necrophilia (for the image, man). No original music just a Wham! cover band only at neck-breaking speed. "I'm yourrrrrr muthafuckinggggggg MAAAAAA...
Posted by on Sat, 05 Dec 2009 13:47:00 GMT |
Be Kind to Retail Workers: a black friday retrospective |
For the first time in 15 years, I did not work on Black Friday. Woe to the beleaguered retail worker. Assume fetal position and prepare for prison-style anal raping. Ugh, the prep work involved with e...
Posted by on Sat, 28 Nov 2009 07:04:00 GMT |
Santa's Big Popcorn Balls |
Videotaped footage has been leaked of just how Santa motivates his elves (minion slave laborers). Despite the graininess, it is clear that Santa is displeased with the productivity of one of his unpai...
Posted by on Sat, 21 Nov 2009 07:30:00 GMT |
Dial the Number of the Beast and Receive a Free Ed Hardy Hat |
A chill swept down my spine. My cross lit on fire. What was the presence that visited me? I turned and stared into the eyes of the beast. At Goodwill, there was a glass case full of Ed Hardy Swarovski...
Posted by on Wed, 18 Nov 2009 02:08:00 GMT |
