I’m just gonna warn you, this is a long f’in profile and it’s really random, but ya know what? Ur gonna probably read it all anyway whether u love me or hate me b/c u know it’s gonna be awesome. In case you have never been on YouTube and you don’t know who I am (if you are not one of my fans, u better seriously get with the program), let me introduce myself. My name is Kevin and Ed McMahon never comes to my house and I never win the lottery. It’s really starting to piss me off actually. I remember when I was little, Ed McMahon was always strolling into people’s houses giving out millions of dollars. Nope, not to mine! Nothing ever good happens to me, but I still seem to manage. I give out gold stars to people who do things that I think are worthy of a gold star. (For everyone who has one, they expire on July 19th and can be traded in for $1000 cash value or a prize of my choice before or on July 19) I also randomly break out mangina on demand. If u can’t handle that stay away but it’s sort of famous right about now. I hate having to solve myspace jigsaw puzzles or whatever they are called just to leave someone a sweet ass comment! Half the time I can’t even read the damn letters and I type them wrong. If I try twice and I still get it wrong, the comment is staying in my head. I’m not gonna spend all week figuring out a puzzle that is so difficult it should be in a Saw movie. I also hate all the porn girls that send me messages wanting to be my friend. I check my myspace after work and I’m like score! 13 new friends requests! Then I see all their names and it’s like Juicy Julia, Extreme Ass, Butt Sex Fiesta, and shit like that! These girls don’t exist in the real world; trust me I have been looking! In addition I hate seeing the little pop up adds that finds singles in my area. Let me tell you something…girls in my area don’t look like that! If they did my town would be the porn capital of the world! My girl friends are awesome (even though a few of them randomly talk shit about me). If you’re in my top friends list you should consider yourself very lucky b/c I take my myspace top friends really seriously. My girl friends often ask me why or how I’m still single and it must be because I am looking for the wrong things or am too picky. The strange thing is, if I was to write down everything I would like in a girl on paper, it’s all things that my ex’s had and we didn’t work out. I believe that you shouldn’t look for certain qualities in a person; you should look for a person you enjoy spending your time with and that person's qualities will grow on you. The last few girls I was interested in had few things I would normally like if someone was to ask me, but for whatever reason I liked them anyway. Just because I have a good job or whatever doesn’t mean I am looking for some rich girl. I make my own money and don’t care if my girlfriend works at freaking McDonalds. Everyone asks how I can be single because supposedly I'm this awesome guy, but ya know what? It's not anything I do wrong, girls are retarded. I mean I don't hate girls and think they all suck or anything, but girls go after the dumbest guys then wonder why they get screwed over. I have case studies to prove it. I also hate girls that say things just to make guys like them. I hate when girls say stuff like "I love going to the game" or "I love watching the game" or "I love hunting and fishing" or even "I love playing video games." Ya know what? I hate all that shit. I never even shot a gun, I never owned a video game thing besides Nintendo, and I can't sit and watch a whole "game" even if it’s the Spurs or Redskins. I like girls that like things like going to the mall, renting movies, and going out to dinner. So stop saying stupid stuff just to make guys think ur "one of the boys". I don't want a girl who is one of the boys, I want one that likes doing things that she likes to do, not what I like to do. Cosmo (yes I read it, it gives awesome tips!) says basically if ur b/f has short spiky Guido hair, he cheats on you. NO FUCKIN SHIT! But girls like that gay haircut even though it's obvious all kids with that haircut cheat! Also it tells girls "ur guy will really like it when u pin him down and have rough sex with him right when he comes home from work." HELLLO, where the hell are all the girls that do this!?!? Sure as hell none of my ex girlfriends! And I know I mentioned this before but in the current issue it mentions it again how "ur man will love a finger in his butt" Is that a joke? Don't put a finger in a guy’s ass! It's not like a beautiful girls butt that rose pedals and ass whispers come out of, it's a guy’s ass that shits all the bad food he eats! Keep your finger away! Ok done with Cosmo now! I can dance pretty good, but if I see a girl I like in a club/bar I'm not going to go start talking to them because I see what they do when other guys do it and I don't want "the hand" or the "friend whisper." I'm funny; seriously there are times where I make myself laugh. I draw well. I'm actually the coolest guy I know if I think about it. I also am like the spooning champion. Since I haven't had sex since the days where cavemen had to use intestines as condoms, I have perfected my spoon. It is actually deadly and has been known to kill whole tribes of Indian women. If I spoon with u, chances are high that you will go into cardiac arrest. This is before I even give a back massage or a boob massage. If that happens ur dead! I enjoy some of the finer things in life such as Vitamin Water, Peach Snapple, good lip gloss, body lotion and spray, Frank’s Red Hot Sauce, Denny’s buffalo chicken fingers, Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup sundaes from Friendlys, premium gas, non allergenic laundry detergent, nice boxers/boxer briefs, and organic milk and peanut butter. I believe that with some things in life you can’t take the cheap way out. Fruit of the Loom and Hanes boxers don’t cut it, body lotion from stores like Wal-Mart or CVS don’t make the grade, lip gloss (ya can’t use the chap stick that u buy in the gas station for 99 cents) is cheap even if you get a good brand, and Glade Plug Ins (even though they were delicious back in the day) aren’t that good anymore when stores like Bath and Body Works make delicious flavored Plug In things. I have at least 3 plugged in my bedroom at any given time. And ya know what? Each plug has a different flavor so my room is just one big remix. A different flavor in every corner! I also do the same with lotions, sprays, and cologne. I have made some sweet ass remixes, I usually smell like a million dollars! U get a different flavor from every angle! There are other things can’t be skimped on as well but myspace is not the place to discuss them. There are just some things that are not like cereal where ya can buy Oat O’s or whatever instead of Cheerios and not know the difference. I also enjoy taking long showers, getting text messages, working out, and taking naps! Naps are the best…I bet even Tom Cruise likes a nice nap every so often. And finally I like eating sushi once a week.
Turn Ons: Lately, I’m not gonna lie, I like girls with big butts. I mean not big fat asses, but bubble butts. Weird Huh? Girls who can burp! For some reason it’s cute. The sound of doggy style sex, vagina jewelry intriques me, Lip venom, cucumber melon, lovespell, passionate kisses, sweet sugar vanilla or whatever it is, grey sweatpants on girls, thongs but they can't be pulled up real high so the whole world can see them, girls who keep q-tips in supply, honesty, good personality, girls that are different (no matter what that different is) sense of humor, and nice, white teeth are all important! Girls that honestly appreciate the little stuff I do for them even if it’s just making a mix cd, or drawing a kick ass picture for them is a turn on. I like putting a smile on my baby girl’s face! Ha-ha. Hip bones that stick out are really hot, and shaved...ahh nevermind...Oh yeah and when a girl dances good, but not too good...then I look dumb. Also I think I’m turned on to girls who have stomach problems and/or eat buffalo wings. Weird I know! Turn Offs: Tomatoes, bad breath, nasty teeth, Improper grammar (including improper use of the word “seen†and using the wrong “there†“their†or “they’reâ€) girls who swear too much, girls who don't get along well with their parents, girls who use improper English, Hepatitis, HIV, Chlamydia, Herpes, and Scabies are kind of gross...hairy....aahhh never mind. Girls that go after the dumbest guys then wonder why they get screwed over is a huge turn off. Every girl I know goes after complete idiots then come complaining to me when it’s damn obvious from the beginning the guy was a retard. You should be asking me out you idiots. Also it’s getting old when people read my profile and think all the stuff about lotions and sprays is for girls, go fuck yourself, the stuff smells good! And if you’re (not your) gonna have some wiseass comment to me about it, don’t ask to borrow it b/c everyone who has made fun of me for having a sweet ass collection of products has at one time or another asked me to use it! HATERS!
Layout by CoolChaser Background from flickr user
