I'm Dutch, Pirate Mike, Pagan Hippy Bastard, and a variety of other colourful names. I lived in Holland for 13 years on a farm where we loved to take the piss out of the boy scouts and we sank their boats. I had my own island in a large lake. I've lived in Harwich, Colchester, Almkerk, Romford, Morden, and not neccesarily in that order. I've got a huge variety of skills, though nearly all aren't as good as you think. I can do firebreathing and firestaff twirling, enjoy building computers only to watch my step-father Steve blow them up, I like writing post/pre-apocalyptic stories and a variety of nonsense, I have a thing for strawberry milkshakes and don't usually it chocolate. I have done event management, cinema work, worked in a costume store, a camera store, a gift shop, and done fundraising and bicycle couriering in the city of London.
I have a daughter called Amelia who's at time of writing just 4 months and a bit old, and already steals my glasses, salivicates on them and hands them back. I'm engaged to a beautiul genius who makes my dreams come true and also bursts my ego when it is needed. Both fiancee and daughter I would happily give my life for.
I study stuff that interests me, such as Japanese History and Weaponry, folklore and myths, paganism, business ideas, and how to kill someone from shitting at a high enough altitude so that the turd travels at terminal velocity and crushes my intended victims skull.
I've eaten the bible once after reading it, and I'm afraid to say its not very filling.
There are several reasons why people should give me free rum, some of these include 'I'll bash your brain in if you don't', 'You'll be honouring the deity of rum.' and 'You're not going to enjoy half as much as I will.'
I can't drive, but if anyone wants to give me free lessons please do, and maybe throw in a car as well.
Please do not think I am a scrounger or a beggar, I only want things that are useful and not decorative unless it helps me meditate. If you've got something you don't need, hand it over to me and it'll go through life with a purpose. This especially pertains to such objects like computer (parts), weapons, videos, cd's, costumes and survival equipment.
Good point, I'm a survivalist or as we say in England, some one who is prepared. I'm not a red neck, but if the shit hits the fan, I'll be prepared for it. I sometimes do wish something apocalyptic happens because I feel sometimes my talents are wasted in this kind of society. Anyone who has questions about survivalism or preparedness, please ask me or look up relevant websites. And no, I'm not part of the religious group that call themselves Survivalists.
It's impossible to count the weird things me and certain associates of myself have gotten up to, but one includes a barman and a cage and a straw. Another includes butter, gerbils, pink hairspray and liquid nitrogen.
My views on life are pretty simple, consisting of short sentences that sound snappy and intelligent.
'Don't fuck with me, and I wont fuck with you'
(Applies to Gods and Politicians)
'I'll try anything once, twice if I like it.'
(Except laxative and morris dancing)
'Same shit, different stick'
(Imagination not required)
'If you always do, what you've always done, you'll always get, what you've always got.'
(My excuse for changing jobs so often)
'If it aint broke, break it.''Life is for the living, the dead are to lazy'And so on and so on.
My pirate name is:
Iron Tom Vane
A pirate's life isn't easy; it takes a tough person. That's okay with you, though, since you a tough person. You tend to blend into the background occaisionally, but that's okay, because it's much easier to sneak up on people and disembowel them that way. Arr!
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