john

spinal cord injury survivor (paralyzed from the waist down - T-10 para - means i'm in a wheeelchair). I am a kinetic being, often seen rolling thru halls and crushing aluminum cans flat with my hands. I have been known to redesign shipyards on my lunch breaks, making them highly efficient in the area of water avoidance. I translate ethnic slurs for Korean immigrants, I write award-winning eulogies, I manage time efficiently. I woo women with my seductive and demi-godlike kazoo playing, I can pilot downhill box carts down severe hills with unparalleled speeds, and I cook Three-Minute Instant Ramen in two minutes. I am an expert in wood crafting, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in West Covina. Using a hose and a smoke bomb, I once single-handedly ousted a small gopher in the back yard of my house. I play air guitar, I was scouted by the Yankees, I am the seer of numerous major disaster incidents. When I'm bored, I build large catapults on my roof. I enjoy suburban bungee jumping. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair wheelchairs for the elderly free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie enforcer. Otakus worldwide swoon over my line of Magic: The Gathering casual wear. I perspire ferociously. Attorneys call me for legal advise. I have been caller number 10 and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I traveled San Antonio with a traveling rope/human climbing demonstration team. Children love me. I can throw gum wrappers at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Without Remorse, The Entire Lone Wolf and Cub, Volumes V, W, X, Y, & Z of the encyclopedia Britanica in one day and still had time to reorganize an entire nuts and bolts section of 11 home depot stores. I know the exact location of every food item in the food 4 less. I have performed several covert operations for the FBI. I sleep once a week; when I do, I sleep in my car. While on vacation in Delhi, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small deli. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I wheelie, I float, I evade, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact, co-ed, oiled, naked origami. On rare occasions, I model Hanes His Way underwear for the leading news papers across the county. Twelve months ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I breed prize-winning dung beetles. I have won cockfights in Temecula, wheelchair vert-ramp competitions in Malaysia, and open mic rap contests in Uganda. I have played Horatio, I have performed brain surgery, and I have spoken with Bruce Lee.