Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
I am neither a crook nor a bookcase. I AM a heterosexual homo sapien male. I know some people won't read this whole paragraph, but most of you will. Those who do, message me and I'll give you something, for serious. Including this reference, I will mention porn 4 times here. I think the color green is underrated. Yellow is overrated. I dressed up as Hulk Hogan for my kindergarten Halloween party. I enjoy eating Oreos. I have owned only a single pair of sandals in my life. The Food Network is like porn to me when I'm hungry. I got a new chair for my room on my birthday this year. I own various polo shirts. There's a couple of baseballs under my desk. I don't mind mowing the lawn. Soccer is my 4th favorite sport. Water polo comes in 11th. I want to take a road trip to Vegas, for fairly obvious reasons. Montreal will do. There's exactly six light bulbs in my room; one of them is ALWAYS burnt out. My mom bought a purse with Marilyn Monroe's picture on it. I contemplated putting porn on my video iPod, then realized it wouldn't be a good idea. I enjoy spelling out deoxyribonucleic acid. I enjoy telling people that that is how you spell out DNA afterwards. I wear a watch, but all other jewelery is for women. I'm eating a double cheeseburger as I type this. I wanted to switch to contact lenses, but don't want to touch my eyes. Turns out I should've listened to my gut, because I switched right back in less than a week. I subscribe to 5 magazines, none of them pornographic. I own a duffel bag that I never use. I'm an excellent speller and am great with grammar. Good punctuation is the difference between helping your uncle, Jack, off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse. My car needs bigger fuel injectors. I enjoy eating limes with salt. The antenna in my room didn't get very good reception; thank the Jeebus for cable TV. The sound of a digital alarm clock going off makes me uneasy. I have many leather-bound books; most sit there unread. Popsicles are for the summertime. Hot Pockets give me diarrhea. I keep telling myself to workout, but never follow through. I recently bought a new baseball mitt. I sold my Gamecube and kept my Super Nintendo. Immediately regretting my decision, I bought another Gamecube. My credit/debit card number is the same as yours- remind me what it is. Mustaches are for porn stars, NFL coaches, and other great men. I wish I had something cool to wish for. I suck at phone conversations, but my face-to-face will rule your ass. Jesus loves you, but I think you're an asshole. I enjoy clever bumper stickers, like the one quoted right before this sentence. I prefer mints over gum. Cinnamon Altoids are the bomb, yo. Breath strips are gimmicky. I enjoy the smell of gasoline. I dislike the smell of diesel. I'm indifferent about Vin Diesel. Walking Tall was the best remake of a movie I'd never heard of I have ever seen (ya follow?). I have no plans for watching the original. I can't think of a way to insert a 5th reference to porn. I hate picketing, but don't know how to show it. I like high-quality automobiles, which explains my love for GM and my disdain of Ford and Dodge. I think Bill Clinton was too cool to be president. I also think he sold us out to China. I love Chinese food. If I put some peanuts in it, I would be eating Thai food. The pool table in my basement is on a horrible slant. I enjoy a good dump.
Yup.
- Joe
PS - If you read that whole uber-paragraph, turn off your computer and go do something productive. Jesus Christ.