BRADSPACE

I'm coming out of the closet. Now that might sound a little surprising, but I’m serious. Just hear me out. I went out last night, and I was hanging out with my friends Teia, Mel, and Norelle up at Key West when I noticed some fat guy grabbing all over Norelle’s boobs. I’m a little surprised, to say the least, until he opens his mouth, and elicits a sound somewhat reminiscent of Richard Simmons with his nuts in a vice. He might as well have been belting “It’s Raining Men” at the top of his cum covered lungs, because even that could not have made him seem any more gaytastic than he did by just lisping away about whatever it is that gay people talk about (Penis and hair product probably, but I was too drunk to remember). Apparently this guy is one of those homosexuals I keep hearing about. I thought Karl Rove outlawed those people…I know I saw it on the ballot? Anygay, here he is…the homosexual tit groper. This guy is flaming like the Hindenburg, and he’s grabbing all over hot chick tits like it’s his fucking job….”Oh, the humanity,” indeed, my friends. It’s at this moment that inspiration strikes. I start telling Teia about my new plan. From now on…I’m gay. I mean…if by simply telling people that I’m homosexual I can hitch a free ride to HeyIwannaGropeYaVille then count me fucking in! I’m busy bragging about my new plan, and confusing the fuck out my friends by telling them how gay I am when Norelle walks over. “Hey, Teia told me about your plan. That’s actually pretty good. He’s been seeing me naked like all day.” He’s seen her naked? And, he’s still gay? I’m kinda confused by this, because I’ve seen girls up at Stetsun’s that if I were ever unfortunate enough to see naked…I shit you negative…I would probably turn against vagina. Certainly it works the other way, too? Wouldn’t the sight of an incredibly hot naked girl make you stop and think that “Maybe I should take this whole vagina poking thing for a spin. See how she handles.” My brain is on the verge of exploding trying to comprehend what is coming out of her mouth until it hits me…This guy isn’t fucking gay….He’s just REALLY fucking smart. He’s like the Albert Einstein of boob molesting. I mean…this guy walks around speaking with a lisp, and that gives him carte blanche to grab tits and see naked chicks WITHOUT having to pay for it, and what’s the worst that can happen? You meet a girl you’re interested in and you tell her that her vagina has the magical ability to douse the flames of homosexuality. Or, maybe you just wanna try out some vagina, because you hear “it’s the other ass.” Those two pick up lines are more money that Bill fucking Gates. From now on I’m gay, and when you see me in a bar…all of you big tittied women of Myspace should probably just ignore my hand down your bra, and chalk it up to my gayness. Thank you, and have a fabulous day.