About Me
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Bella's Dark GraphicsI have a range of interests, I enjoy reading, playing the guitar and sailing. My kazoo playing is the subject of legend. On Thursdays I repair electrical appliances for OAPs free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a skilled literary analyst and a ruthless killer. I am an expert in the conga; having won both the French National Tournament and the Israeli Open.
I translate Homer and Virgil into various Asian languages and perform them from memory as entertainment. I can pilot unicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed.
I can learn a new language in twenty-four hours, and am frequently mistaken for Paul Daniels.
I play classical trombone, have been approached by talent scouts from numerous professional, international football clubs and I am the subject of over 200 documentaries. Occasionally I swim the channel.
I am an outlaw in Brazil.
I have been trained in methods of restoring a civilized, democratic society in a post-apocalyptic world and am widely consulted by governments on matters of national security.
I have been known to remodel nuclear power plants on dull days, making them more environmentally friendly. I have a dynamic figure, often seen competing in triathlons and wrestling competitions. Critics worldwide praise my tartan underwear label. I don't perspire. I receive fan mail and personally respond to every letter.
When I'm bored, I build gazebos in my yard out of renewable wood sources. I enjoy urban free-running, formula one racing and off-road cricket.
Using only a basket of figs and a small mouse, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious natives. I was made an honorary deity as way of thanks and can now perform small miracles at will. I have written several award-winning operas.
I can survive in the wilderness for forty days on a single tin of soup. I can build a shelter that can withstand 100mph winds out of everyday items and can knock out a grown man with my bare hands from a distance of two miles.
I am not a number.
I can hurl computers at small squirrels with deadly accuracy and can perform live-saving surgery on nearly 500 types of beetle using only a toothpick.
I know Kung-Fu.
I once read Paradise Lost, Ulysses, and Pride and Prejudice in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire Edwardian Mansion that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in Tescos.
Children trust me.
Last summer I toured Africa with a traveling circus raising awareness about homelessness in the Third World. My garden and hand-made water features earned me fame in international botany circles and I appear as a regular columnist in “Gardeners World†magazine.
I once slept in a chair for an entire week and learned the meaning of life.
I am an accomplished astronaut, and was the first person to successfully mount a manned mission to Mars. I can speak to wild animals.
I have made four course meals using only a toaster and my own hair. I have played Hamlet, I have performed emergency brain surgery on a yacht in a hurricane, and I have spoken with Elvis, Lord Lucan and God. I have performed several covert operations with MI5, the CIA and Harrods. While on holiday in Estonia, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.
The laws of physics do not apply to me. I have won bullfights in Barcelona, sailed around the world in 80 days, and fought in the Russian Revolution.
I breed prizewinning lemurs.
I am modest with regards to my abilities.
