David

Using my parents' vast wealth as start-up capital, I keep looking past the neon colors and denim vests of my youth and started my own company, inventing such fashion landmarks as Capri pants and jeans that look like they're superold but are really new and cost more than three times as much as a normal pair. I don't keep in touch with the rest of the gang, my high school friends were "mostly white trash, except for one blond chick who took my virginity under the bleachers during a pep rally." My grandma remains a mainstay on fashion-related television shows and has become really, really good friends with Tyra Banks, going so far as to hold her hand during her last bout of liposuction. Granny credits most of her success to her experience during the episode in her life where she and the fashion club made and sold friendship bracelets to the "spoiled brats" in her high school class. On a related note, the vast majority of the fashion club has moved to Las Vegas, where it's legal to screw people for money. Granny's husband, while good-looking and endowed with a 10-inch penis, provides her little intellectual stimulation, responding to most of her questions with, "Girl, shake your Laffy Taffy/That Laffy Taffy." Her last name remains Turtle. I credit my entire life to my magnificent Grandma and Dad. I wouldn't have anything to be thankful for if they haden't had sex three different times on the night mommy died!