All about me huh? All right lets start with the obvious question. Yes, I really am 100 years old and yes I do look damn good for my age. I attribute my good looks to Dr. Sum Yung Gai in Beverly Hills and his wonderful needles full of bochelism. The strict diet of Virginia Slims and daily shots of formaldehyde seem to have lent their benefits as well. Now you may be asking yourself, why, if I live in LA, do I not have a picture up of me in a lacey bra with my ridiculously large breasts threatening to make their escape at any moment? Truth be told, I have not always been among the silicone challenged. I too once had enormous fake breasts, but an unfortunate nipple piercing incident left me with one shriveled boob and the dashed dreams of yet another porn star hopeful. Oh Hollywood, you are such a cruel mistress!! After that I spent some time touring with the Black-Eyed Peas but Fergie eventually became jealous of all the attention my rare beauty was attracting so she had me kicked out. You can hear all about it in Behind the Music: The Forgotten Pea, available only on beta. (only the old fogey?s will get the beta joke). I spent the next year riding around Europe on a Razor Scooter, preaching the good word, and handing out conspiracy theory literature on whether Grant is REALLY buried in Grant?s tomb. It never produced quite the following I had hoped for so I headed back to the states and opened up a brothel for one eyed hookers in Vegas. We aren?t the most popular whorehouse, but we aren?t the least popular either. That honor goes to the VD Farm.
