Karen

i don't understand the difference between Hardee's and Carl's Junior. i think the best feeling ever is getting in a hot car after freezing in air conditioning for 8 hours. i love that dane cook thinks karens are always douchebags :) i totally believe in karma and that you create your own drama. ever since i was little, i think of unicorns everytime i hear the song "these dreams" by the band Heart. i like watching stars like britney spears and lindsay lohan go crazy. i think when i go crazy i'm going to airbrush miniature horses all over my car. i think i may be addicted to diet cherry coke. i can't stand wedding DJs. i like it when i'm eating an orange and find a little mini piece in between 2 big pieces. i think megaman 2 has the best soundtrack of all nintendo games. it annoys me when people can't think of an original name/slogan for their own business. Like today I saw a truck for a drywalling company called "Boardwiser" and underneath it said "This board's for you." How unoriginal can you get? My favorite rip-off was for a tree-cutting company that was called "Stump and Grind." pretty good. i hate that i can walk outside for two minutes and get five mosquito bites. i think about random things a lot. like if my birthday was february 29th and i lived to be 100, i would technically only be 25. and what if i'm eating something while driving alone in my car and i were to start choking--who would save me? i wonder how often that happens to people. or why people say the word especially--- expecially. where is the x? or why people are still getting butterflies and chinese letters tattooed on them. i miss the oldies station. i wish mitch hedberg was still alive. i went to a wine tasting on friday and somehow started a fire there. (don't ask) then i felt bad that i burnt the lady's wine dumping bucket so i had to buy some wine from her. i don't even like wine. when i was 4 i tried jumping from my mini trampolene to a chair. i missed and split my lip open and had to get stitches. my life has been a downward spiral since then. im lying. my life rules. if i could play with the voice-changer on my computer all day long i would. i really hate those dreamcatcher things that people hang from their rearview mirrors. i have rhythm but i can't really dance...but i still do anyways. i write like a boy. i take it personally that there was never a "scarin' karen" garbage pail card--it would have been so easy for them to draw. hilary clinton scares me. i wish sushi grew on trees and i owned a volcano roll tree and a spicy crab roll tree. i also wish every day was friday. i hate slow drivers in the left lane and also when i catch every single traffic light on the way to work. vodka makes me hallucinate. i'm afraid i am becoming allergic to things. when i was little and we would have cupcakes for someone's birthday I would always rub the frosting all over my face to get everyone to laugh at me. in 7th grade i was skipping rocks with my little sister. she missed and hit me in the neck. i had to get stitches that time too. i think homeless people should have credit card machines on them so when i feel like giving them money i could just use my card. i like it when i am driving in a rainstorm and i go under a bridge and it's completely silent for a split second. i think everyone in america knows the fresh prince of bel-aire song but everytime i try to sing it i fuck up. i think dudes that block their profile on myspace are suspicious. i also think it's suspicious when someone takes a "sick" day on a friday. i wonder if people who drive "Woody" station wagons see people punching each other in the arms all the time. i appreciate white space. i also appreciate good use of color. i love baseball season. between 1989 and 1993 i would not leave the house without wearing at least 1 piece of neon clothing. I'm going to sponsor a little kid in South America and name him Bobo Guantanamo Bay. when i was little i used to cry when my parents kissed or hugged each other in front of me. i had a chia pet named "Manny Cat Ramirez" but it died. One time I gave Jay Leno a hug...even though i like Letterman better...and Conan even more. I think if you tell good jokes then you are cool. the other night i had a really scary dream. I dreamt that I made out with Balki Bartokomous from Perfect Strangers. i was very disturbed by it...at least it wasn't cousin larry i guess. i wish i was a personal trainer so i could go up to my clients and sing "your own... personal... trainer." I love tom selleck--especially his mustache. but it's not like a crush or anything i just really like his mustache. When I was little and stayed over at my grandparents' house they had cable and we didn't at home. But they wouldn't let me watch the shows I was missing out on like Pinwheel or Salute Your Shorts...no we watched the Spanish Channel...we would watch Spanish gameshow after Spanish gameshow. My grandparents are 100% Polish. I am a master at Marble Madness, Dr. Mario and Track and Field on the powerpad. There is no doubt in my mind that I have the best friends and family anyone could ever ask for. Even though I live in Florida and love it, N.Y. summers will always be the best. I like guys with beards. I still call p.diddy "Puff Daddy". i used to hate british comedy...but now i think it may be growing on me...some things at least. I used to take piano lessons when I was little--the only song I remember how to play now is The Entertainer. I'm pretty sure my family hates that song now. I think Eddie Money rules. When I was around 5 I refused to watch The Neverending Story because I thought it really never ended and wondered why anyone would want to watch something so boring if it never ended. If I was in the Navy my ship would be called the U.S. Destroyer. I can list the 50 states in alphabetical order in under a minute. I like Spanish music. I used to draw Ninja Turtles all over everything when I was little. I also wanted to be SuperGirl (if you haven't seen the movie you need to.) i hate mozarella sticks. i also don't like douchebags. When I was little I sang in 2 operas. I also used to jump on my giant rectangle trampolene everyday and listen to Michael Jackson, We are the World and Cyndi Lauper on my brown Fisher Price taperecorder. i think barry manilow's nickname should be scary manilow. i have an extra vertebra in my back. i love wheel of fortune and Family Feud. Back in the day, i played D1 softball-i think that's why my guns are so big. In 7th grade i played the evil stepsister in cinderella. i love watching nerdy couples. i love listening to people who pronounce their L's and R's like W's and those people with those lisps that are just ridiculous--if you know me hopefully you've heard the "Nachos and Cheese" story. (and the "I'm smart" story) I love the Jacksonville Suns. I know Mr. Belvedere's middle name. I don't have cable tv by choice...i try not to watch tv a lot except for family guy and the office but sometimes it sucks you in--especially when you are at someone's house that does have cable and you end up watching 5 hours straight of a Laguna Beach marathon. i know. it's sad. fuck it.