Dougie

Whenever I get a pack of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the sweet as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two sweets between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters.
That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern confectionary and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a sweet that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the sweet extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a note reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this “grant money.” I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.
There can be only one.
So I was all like, "CLICK THIS LINK TO COMMENT DOUGIE." He's so ace.