Balertwine - ProfilesArchive

About Me

Homeless. Fugitive felon. But I'm a nice guy, really.
Just don't tell the police where I'm at.

Click on a slideshow pic & post a comment to win a Moon Rock!

I hotwired this page with Thomas's MySpace Page Editor.

I live under the bridge. I live the life of royalty in my own mind.

I don't need nuthin' but my Sterno Cooker, my Coleman cooler, and my Thermos. And I been gittin' by just fine ever since my woman put me outta the house five years ago with nuthin' but the shirt on my back.
Which was kinda rough, cuz I wandered round without any pants on for about 3 days.

But I'm a free man, free as the wind, wherever it may blow me.

Yeah, freedom's just another word for nuthin' left to lose, except my balance.

Got any spare change?

My Interests

I'd like to meet:

I'd like to meet the dude that stole my hubcaps. They were the best part of my car. Had to junk it after that.

I'd love to meet Drew Barrymore and give her a squeeze, but who wouldn't?

I met Jimmy Carter once. Nice guy.

Well, who else would I like to meet? Hmmm.

I'd like to meet the perfect man, cuz my ex'es are lookin' for him. In fact, if I met Mr. Right, I'd punch Mr. Right in the nose, is what I'd do. Why the hell were they lookin' for him so hard instead of ME? I bet he's a lowly slime who was foolin' round with my women behind my back.

I'd like to meet Bill Gates or Steve Jobs and bum a few bills off of them.

Come to think of it, Donald Trump still owes me a few bills from years back when we was out drinkin' and he forgot his wallet, how convenient. With interest, I think I may own a building in New York City now.

This is Jake.
As you can see, he's terribly excited about being the star in the movie below.

The Underwater Dog

My Blog

Thanksgiving Pigeon with French Onion Dip Sauce

Yeah, it's that time. And people all over git hungry. Tastes like chicken. Hear it all the time. Now, necessity and tradition come together, for the recipe you wanted to know but din't. Thanksgiv...
Posted by on Thu, 22 Nov 2007 14:29:00 GMT

Pink Underwear

I don't wanna drink yesterday's beer andI don't wanna cry yesterday's tears 'causeYesterday's gone, yeahYesterday's gone.I wanna do sumptin' rapid with you andI wanna kiss ya one time or two times two...
Posted by on Sun, 11 Nov 2007 12:47:00 GMT

Nicotine Slut

I'm a nicotine slut smokin' cigarette buttsand I ain't got a penny or a quarterand there's one thing for sho'the more I see the less I knowI'm gittin' older and my life's gittin' shorter.Oh I feel lik...
Posted by on Mon, 08 Oct 2007 20:55:00 GMT

Survey Says!

1. Is your second toe longer than your first? I only got one toe. Frostbite and the ER took the rest. Least I got lots of toe room now.2. Do you have a favorite type of pen? Yeah, the Mansfield Pen. 3...
Posted by on Sat, 03 Feb 2007 14:59:00 GMT

The Advantages of Alzheimer's Disease

There are certain advantages to having Alzheimer's disease.For one, you can hide your own Easter eggs.
Posted by on Tue, 16 Jan 2007 22:00:00 GMT

Thanksgiving Surprise !!!

Hello Friends,It's that time of the year again, as the holidays arerapidly approaching, and you are making yourpreparations for Thanksgiving. The men are busyraking the leaves and untangling the Chri...
Posted by on Fri, 10 Nov 2006 18:35:00 GMT

All We Are Saying is Give Vegetables a Chance

Howdy. Yeah, I'm here today to talk about a deeply philosophical subject, vegetarianism. I was talking the other day with a girl who righteously won't eat meat. This little vegeterrier was telling ...
Posted by on Tue, 03 Oct 2006 16:10:00 GMT

Louie Pasteur Got Nuthin' on Me

So anyway, I was thinkin', man, you are in great shape, livin' under the bridge, healthy as can be, sleepin' by the pussy willow, my pretty pussy willow tree. You know, it dawned on me, it must be be...
Posted by on Sun, 27 Aug 2006 07:02:00 GMT

Hunters and Gatherers of the World, Unite!

Few people know this, but I represent the hunter-gatherers of the world.Our happy hunting grounds have disappeared everywhere from Lapland toNew Guinea to the greater Mississippi River Basin. The only...
Posted by on Wed, 28 Jun 2006 18:00:00 GMT

Blessed are the Homeless

Blessed are the homeless,for they have inherited the dirt.Out on the curblike yesterday's garbage...with no helping hand.Untouchable America:a lifetime of pride heldin a grocery cart from the Kang Soo...
Posted by on Sat, 06 May 2006 06:30:00 GMT