I'm not particularly graceful socially (physically either, but I realize that you can't assist me in that respect), so I thought I'd run this by you to see if you think it'll be appropriate for your service and if you believe it'll help me in the quest for peace. But my disclaimer is that I’m a very sarcastic and humorous. If you can handle that then we will have a ton of fun.
I’m a early 30 year old- skeptic looking for someone to love me as much as I hate myself.
I'm a lot of work, but I know women like a project with potential! I can safely say I have potential because I'm so miserable, low, and unaccomplished that beyond a shadow of a doubt, the only way I could fall farther is if I started flinging my poop at others or lighting it on fire as a member of the Al Queda network. I'd rid the world of myself, but no one would know I'd be gone. I fly so low under the radar that I crawl... usually in a drunken state in sleazy biker bars.
Your constant reassurance will be essential for me to stave off my dark demons of depression. Don't feel bad if I hurt myself. It won't be the first time, and it certainly won't be the last. It doesn't mean you're a lousy girlfriend. It just means that you're not the right one to keep my fragile psyche in check. No pressure, and in advance, I'd like to say that it's not your fault.
I require lots of alone time, which will benefit you the more you realize that I'm intolerable to be around. I like going places and doing things, if all the places and things are under my roof. Don't try to get me to go on vacation. It's a silly idea considering I don't work to begin with. My life's like one big party where I sit by the door hoping for no one to arrive. If you try to get me to dance or talk to me about God, I will completely flip out on you.
I like to go dutch in both restaurants (whenever you can get me to go to one) and in bed where we'll each be responsible for taking care of our own parts. My monetary and sexual selfishness is something I'm working on. Recently I've begun paying for sex, so that's a bold step in dealing with the former, and it opens the window of opportunity for dealing with the latter. I'm no good at picking up women, and treating them well if I'm able to find a sucker. A lot of people who used to be friends with me say that I objectify women, but it's not true. I only objectify the good parts.
I'd prefer someone young and naive who I can mold into my image or break trying. Emotional baggage is a big no-no. If you've had any serious past loves, I can't compete with that, nor do I want to hear about it. The right woman for me is one who doesn't know any better than to be with me. I'd prefer to be with an impressionable young girl who I could be condescending to, and thinks that "condescending" is either the process of moisture forming in the cold or a convict falling further from grace.
OK, here's my good quality:
I can make you laugh real hard. Where lots of guys have a good sense of humor that'll make you laugh 'till you cry. I'll prefer to make you cry 'till you laugh. I think I can bludgeon you with so much of my own misery that you'll be able to eventually break into hysterics as your frayed and tattered nerves are completely exposed and you no longer know how to react to any facet of your daily life.
I know this description of myself makes me out to seem fairly undesirable, but I guarantee that everyone else here is exactly like me... they just aren't as forthcoming and explicit about it as I am. So even though I'm being perfectly reasonable, I'm sure I'll be looked over, and shame on you for doing so! As a matter of fact, if you don't reply to this desperate cry for help, you are a truly wretched human being. So there! The irony is that if I was some sullen goth chick on here everyone would find this all adorable, and my inbox would be flooded with suitors.
You know what, don't even reply to this. You make me ill. Just leave me the hell alone. I can't deal with your shit, keep me out of it
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