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Matt

About Me

Wow, "about me." It's hard for most people to write these without sounding Narcissistic. Not for me though. Because I'm better than most people. So, about me. Well, I have a lofty brow. So lofty, in fact, that eagles would perch upon it if I didn't blow them up with mind bullets. It's capped by a Jimmy Johnsony helmet of hair. I have sharp cheek bones. They can pierce your eyeballs if you look directly at them. Below this lies the strongest jaw imaginable. It can pound granite into rubble. I rarely do this, though. I don't have room in my house for rubble. My eyebrows are writhing snakes of man-fur and my ears are cartilage-made-art. My eyes are blue. The frigid blue of a violent arctic blizzard that bites the flesh and freezes the bladder so you have to thaw yourself out just to take a leak. My body is squat and flabby. And let us not forget my big left toe. Known as "Megaladon" in 23 states, it juts out like a battering ram amidst a line of infantry warriors from times past. In fact, it is so large that the speed of acceleration around its axis is 9.91 m/s2.

My Interests

I'd like to meet:

A woman with blue hair. Not Marge blue. And definitely not that shitty blue dyed look that Daria-watching teenage girls had just to piss off their parents and impress their friends while they all smoked cheap weed and complained about global warming and pimples but never considered the beneficial hygenic effects of washing their pale, tattooed skin. No, I'm talking about really dark hair, that looks just barely blue in a certain light, when she flings it over her shoulder while getting out of the pool or the ocean, but not out of the shower because that gets water everywhere and someone has to clean it up and it's sure as hell not going to be me because i have enough shit to do today and why don't you take responsibility for your own mess? What? That's bullshit, I wash my dishes all the time and make my side of the bed when I have to get up early and so what? I put food on the table and keep your credit card paid so you can get fancy conditioners and scrunchies that don't match that shade of hair anyway that to be honest, isn't really that hot, it's just weird, and you should be happy we have a bathroom so nice and you should be proud to get on your hands and knees on it to wash up your own mess because not everyone has it so good and you certainly wouldn't without me, baby, because you have no inner drive to join the workforce and contribute to society or at the least lessen the load off my shoulders, which should be bigger but I can't get any gym time because you keep making crappy dinner dates for me with your annoying liberal, Bush-bashing, hippie friends that are so thin from starving themselves that they look like social X-rays and come to think of it, why the hell can't we have SOME kind of food that isn't Fat-Free because i am sick of having to eat this crap just because you don't have the willpower to follow some trendy diet without ridding the fridge of every other type of food that has any taste and come to think of it, I really don't think this is working out, but it was a nice fling while it lasted and what is your friend Debbie's phone number, I just have to ask her about something. That kind of blue.

My Blog

Squirrels in Korea are colored like skunks

That just might be the most interesting part of this story, and since it doesn't logically fit anywhere else I've decided to lead off with it.  Plus there's a nice sandwich-alliteration to the se...
Posted by on Wed, 08 Oct 2008 13:10:00 GMT

Sloppy Stampher and the Pizzeria Sign Shenanigans

The scene is Breckenridge, Colorado. A bunch of friends and I have a cabin there for the weekend. Out of a bar stumble me, my friend Rok, and my other good friend Chris Palmer. Also known as Shady Pal...
Posted by on Sun, 06 Jan 2008 16:36:00 GMT

Learn About Turkey

I've been to quite a few countries.  And I've used quite a few toilets.  Turkey by far has the strangest toilets I've ever seen.  Take a toilet.  Seriously, go get one.  Remo...
Posted by on Thu, 26 Jul 2007 04:39:00 GMT

It happens this time of year...

I'm depressed.  You can probably tell by the little face up there.  It always happens this time of year.  I just miss my old girlfriend. Spring's coming up.  Jenny loved the spring...
Posted by on Wed, 28 Feb 2007 01:45:00 GMT

The Wicked Witch of the South Bay

A lot of people having been saying to themselves, "Gosh, I wish Matt would tell us more about his childhood."  They must be saying this to themselves, because they are not saying it to me.  ...
Posted by on Mon, 20 Nov 2006 22:49:00 GMT

Nashville Nights, Part 2. Actually, there's daytime too.

When we last saw our Intrepid Adventurers they had lost a phone but gained two more... Saturday Morning: The Author awoke with a pair of feet in his face.  He was sharing a couch with a dude, and...
Posted by on Wed, 09 Aug 2006 12:39:00 GMT

I Hate Abraham Lincoln

That's right!  I hate Abraham Lincoln.  "But Matt," you say, "He freed the slaves!  He was a hero!  He wore a trendy top hat and was, like, super tall!"  Blah blah blah, I don...
Posted by on Sat, 29 Jul 2006 01:08:00 GMT

The Pitbull: Nashville Nights

Greetings from the Author: It's been a while since my last tale.  I won't say I've been busy.  I wouldn't expeck you to believe that, anyway.  Nor will I say that this tale needed extra...
Posted by on Tue, 11 Jul 2006 21:37:00 GMT

Little Matt and the Trail Turd

Child Poop I believe one of the great pleasures in my life is spending quality time on the john.  I get all my serious thinking, reading, and important telephone calls done while I sit in my bath...
Posted by on Mon, 24 Apr 2006 11:03:00 GMT

The Pitbull: Tuscaloosa 2 (this is a big one, people)

Have you ever been so sick of the town you live in that you felt like, well, if you didn't get out of there for at least a night, you would probably rip one of your arm offs and club everyone you saw ...
Posted by on Mon, 13 Mar 2006 19:38:00 GMT