{}THE GOLDEN HOOF
Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl called Emily who lived on a magical, but ultimately very dull, island called Jersey. Emily liked booze and music and parties and bright clothes. But the thing that Emily liked more than anything else was hoofing. Emily would hoof anything or anyone - male, female, animal, vegetable or mineral. Emily once even hoofed a horse because it made a sound that was probably a Neigh, but she thought it was laughing at her.But there was one thing in Emily's life that made her hoofing for pleasure all the more difficult. For seven hours a day she was kept chained to a cappuccino machine by the ruthless Coffee Tsar, Baron Von Stokes. Emily would have to stand in all the steam and make cup after cup of poncey coffee for lots of very very rude people and she wasn't allowed to hoof a single one of them, or else she would have got into a lot of trouble and she might not even have been able to pay her rent.One bright summer's evening, after Baron Von Stokes had unchained her for the day and she was making her way home to the little pink house she shared with a Kinky Twat, Emily sighed."All I really want," she thought to herself, "Is to be free to hoof whoever I want whenever I want and to drink the odd bottle of vodka, without having to worry about being chained to the cappuccino machine with a hangover!"Suddenly, there was a huge flash of light that lit up the whole of Midvale Road and a magical genie appeared in a puff of smoke."Bonjour, Mon Frere!" said Emily, after she had finished choking on all the smoke. "Who the hoof are you?!?!""I am genie Jimmy Catsup!" shouted the genie (perhaps a little too loudly because he had had a few pints of Grolsch) "And I have come to you tonight to grant you your wish of being able to hoof whoever you want whenever you want!""REALLY?!?!?" said Emily"Yes, bucko!" said Jimmy Catsup"How exciting!!!" said EmilyThen they just stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity."Erm...excuse me," said Emily, "I don't mean to be rude, but can you hurry up and grant my wish please, because I left work in a hurry and I really need to go to the Torlet!""Your wish is granted," said Jimmy Catsup, "You simple need to go to the rope swings in St Catherine's Woods tomorrow, where you will discover your heart's desire!"Then they stared at each other for what seemed like another eternity."Oi, Oi, Saveloy!" said Emily, "Isn't this where you're meant to disappear in a puff of smoke?""Normally yes," said Jimmy Catsup "But we're quite near yours and I thought you might invite me in for some balcony fun times!"Emily considered telling the genie to hoof off, but quickly realised that that would be very rude indeed, so the genie came in to her flat and they all got really pissed and played Shania Twain songs on a melodica. As you do.The next day Emily woke up bright and early with a hangover and quicly got on a bus to St Catherine's Woods. She made her way to the rope swings and was amazed to find that hanging from one of them was a giant cabbage loaf!"Oh, by cry, eh?" said the cabbage loaf "You're here at last! I thought you were never going to turn up, my love! Don't be shy - you just need to rip me in half and you will find your heart's desire hidden inside me!""I can't rip you in half!" screamed Emily "That would be murder!!!""Don't be daft, my love!" said the Cabbage Loaf "There's plenty more like me in the market, eh?"So Emily screwed her eyes really tight shut and ripped the cabbage loaf in half. And out felt a beautiful shiny golden hoof with "Hoof Off!" written on it. Attached to the hoof was a note, and Emily read it eagerly:"Dear Emily," it said "This golden hoof is your heart's desire. Anyone who looks at it will be hoofed and will learn their lesson and learn it well. Us it wisely"Emily was not sure what to make of that, but she put the hoof into her pocket and made her way home.That night, when Emily was chained to the cappuccino machine, a man called Giles came in and demanded a refill. But he was very rude and not at all friendly about it. Emily reached into her pocket and pulled out the golden hoof and showed it to Giles. Immediately, Giles went flying across the room as if her had been booted by a giant horse. After a few moments of stunned silence, he staggered to his feet and made his way back to Emily. "Emily," he said, "I am so very sorry. I have been speaking to you as if you were dirt for months. I have also been hanging around and making a terrible nuisance of myself when you have been so terribly busy. I promise to be more considerate in future. And here is £300 to compensate you for all the times I have annoyed you!"Emily was absolutely amazed that the golden hoof had worked so well, but she knew that she had got her heart's desire and, from that moment on, she would live happily ever after.
THE END
(thanks jimith mc jimerson)
my favourites: DRUNK, bonjour, vodka, music, wizard of oz, french, confused, STEAMING!!, laughing, pomme de terre, alcohol, poor, hungover, brilliant, yellow mini, dreaming, magic (hawks), homeslice, waaaaaaaay cool, HOOF!, flip flops, mullets, SHACKACAAAARN, spazmatic, RAMP!!, adouche, rad, wack :)
