This is sorta weird, so only read this if u know me pretty well Current mood: enragedHEY HEY HEY... well, I think I've got it all figured outEGO...hahahaha, you know Ayn Rand beleives that an ego is the most joyous thing in life...well Ayn Rand is a Crazy Bitch!!!!!!!!!!!You see, I critisize nearly every beleif system I see, and Ayn Rand made it about 15 minutes before I critisized hers- which is the longest ever.Anywhooooo...I've figured out why I keep switching from person to person and swinging through different groups in my life...I AM A PENDULUMbasically, I swing back and forth between two extremes, and when those extremes conflict I find myself in the middle ground where I make freinds/ don't get family mad at me, yet the pendulum swings and I break away from those people and become solitary. At that point, I get extremely depressed and I work out like none other. I work out to the point where I bleed because I feel that low. Then after doing this, I consider all of the work I have done and reacquire my "ego". After this, I become the same person I was before the swing, yet I have pissed off the people that I knew before I went extreme so I cannot return to them and I find a new group fo friends which I mold myself to. At this point, I beign to tear myself up inside and I go back to an extreme and the process starts all over. The reason why I haven't gone through eveyr person in the school thus far is simply becasue I try extremely hard to elongate this process.For the first time since it started; however, at the same time I was broken, I broke the pattern. I was at the peak of my ego-ness today at National Qualifiers when I was told I was very likely to win and I was still in the running for the National spot when it was announced. I knew I had that spot, I saw myself winning, I thought I had earned it though the literally weeks of work I had done. Yet my name was never called and I stood there in an eternal ebyss. You can ask anyone who was there- you could see it on my face, I held my emotions in until I got home by myself where I broke two chairs, hit my punching bag until my knuckles were literally covered in blood, maxed out on push ups 3 times, ran two miles, cracked a quad trainer, and threw up from the amoutn of sit-ups that I did.During this whole time I thought of myself as shit, scum...but then I realized, that I'm not.I have an ego in the sense that I hold myself up to higher standard than everyone else shows. I might be just as good as someone else, but I hold myself to a standard of literally perfection. I hold myself up to the standards of the best part of everyone that I know, and that's why I throw myself into these extremes.But today, for the first time... I realized that everyone I know isn't great, few are good, and a majority of them are shit. This, I thought for the longest time was because I treated them like shit...but I don't. it's quite the opposite and I simply take all of it. Since I set that president from the beginning, they find it shocking whenever I do anything to them. I mean honestly, there are tons of girls that I knwo that are fucking bitches. All I did was minorly annoy them and they wont even fucking talk 2 me...?Some people just go behind my back, which is reli inconvenient for me because even though I see myself as an average person, i like to deal with someone who has a good amount of integrity.A few people I know; however, are actually good people, I'm friends with about 4, I've pissed off one, and I see other people that i barely know that i think are good.I guess I probably should've said this earlier, but one of the main points I'm bringing up is that everything is dictated by the way someone looks. In congress, everyoen loved me when I ahd a clean face, one day later, with a freakish red growth on ym chin, I got owned. the same happened with a girl named rachel. people are nicer to me when I look better, and it's no coincidence that the first dates I've had in years have come when I've been persistently working out.Anyways, if you've read this whole thing, please call me becasue ur probably a reli interesting person as you've got the patience to read through all of this and the rationale to understand that I'm just venting which that shows insight into me, which I almost never...ever give.