Damn The Torpedoes

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Myspace Backgrounds A few thousand years ago, lived a man by the name of Mr. Goochman. He was a feisty youngster and had a weak spot for Pina Coladas and young Mongolian women. One day as he was passing the magazine racks in borders he saw to his unending amazement, a four-headed Gopher tossing back shots of espresso and Canadian club whiskey! Goochman said to himself, "Holy Toledo, this gopher is a crazy son of a bitch! I must have him as mine!" he coaxed the animal home with him with the promise of all the Whiskey and Espresso he could stomach! But he had seriously underestimated the Gopher! The hammered animal would not stop its unhealthy boozing addiction and pretty soon, it had drunk him under the table! Goochman then said to himself "Holy Toledo, I immediately regret this decision!" He then loaded the Gopher aboard his Boat "Sassy Sally" and ferried the beast across his private lake to the house of international booking agent Helmut Von Zeppelin. When the agent clapped eyes on the Gopher he exclaimed, "en ahl of mine yearz, I half never seen zuch a hanamal ass dis, Vee must take 'im to zee high-school kega." Goochman Replied. "A high-school kegger? Holy Toledo! What a Cracker-jack idea!" The lured the Gopher into a cage and trucked him to the home of high-school swimming captain and budding ladies-man Jasper Jones. Jasper sneered at the beast and said "Dude Bro I will flounder this shark!" At first, they did not understand this ridiculous speech, but they soon understood that Jasper was challenging the Gopher to a massive booze off! They accepted and called all the swimmers and Mongolian women they knew!!! Within hours, there was a grandshindig going down! Everyone was there dude! The Stumbling Wombat, The Masturbating Goat, The Lord of the Lake, The Thundering Porpoise and the Vomiting Koala! It was pure mayhem basically! They even called in a few favors and got William Dafoe to Judge the event! Now Jasper being a swimmer and grape smuggler naturally knew how to chug the mead! , But they hadn't drank their even drank their second Keg when the Captain of the swim team said to himself "Dude Bro! I'm up to my knees in weeds!" As the battle continued and both man and beast got drunker and drunker and more wasted, The home continued to fill will anxious spectators! At long last the Swimmer set down his goblet and said. "Dude, Bro." And let forth a great belch! signaling the end of the competition! The gopher had WON!!! Goochman was overjoyed! And the Gopher was so elated, that he immediately rutted with like, at least three of the very fetching Sheep that had been eyeing him down for the start of the match! he then proceeded to run off into the woods and dig himself a fine homestead! Goochman Rode "Sassy Sally" home with money in his pockets, a Pina Colada in his hand, a Mongolian woman on each arm, and a sexy twinkle in his eye! In the morning the first thing he said when he woke was, "Damn The Torpedoes." And we have rocked the country-side ever since!