DOB (11/11)Hi I'm Tom. I'm an agoraphobic, claustrophobic, homophobic, lesbian sex fiend, Christian conservative. I like having my cake and eating it too. I eat fast food in the fast lane, I drive fast cars behind slow people. I drink soft drinks, hard liquor, frozen slushees and dehydrated milk. I'm a beach loving, heliophobic, atrophy stricken, body builder. It takes me 20 minutes to do a 10 minute job. I'm a deaf musician with arthritis and limited sensory perception. I watch movies in reverse, same goes for music. I read books from back to front, and write upside down. I go on slow speed car chases. I let the bank rob me, and I hold my self hostage. I breathe water, and exhale oxygen. I tan the sun at the beach, and glow brighter than the moon in the dark of night. I'm a user friendly self preserved bio-digital interface with skills that include rapid production of psychological self defense mechanisms, and rapid random potent fertilization. I have several upgradable options that include fertilization extension enhancement and biodegradable counter parts. I'm publically and socially acceptable and I come in an assortment of colors including: red, white, off white, brown, beige, lavender, teal, maroon, neon green, florescent pink, burnt sienna, cornflower blue, baby blue, periwinkle blue, and Post-It-Note yellow. On most occasions you can find me in a concoction of all colors put into one, black. I wear all mainstream shirts, pants, shorts, belts, shoes, and hats, then make fun of myself for being a flag wrapped bulletin board. I modernize the English language with the touch of a button. I destroy the language with the push of that same button. I'm a self proclaimed inalienable right to which people are able to spill their guts. I keep a sun between my temples and I can hold a breath to fill the space between two stars. I can whisper victory, produce fame and fortune, destroy inhibition, and mix desire. I find all people equal until one is considered guilty. After they are believed guilty, they are guilty until proven innocent. After proven innocent, they forfeit all rights to equality thus leaving them more screwed than if actually found guilty. I believe parents should have to earn offspring respect, not offspring earn parents' respect. I blieve that with the current ammount of interracial relationships in the world, everyone will eventually be the same, so why wait? I'm half Native American and half Irish, so the English screwed me over just as bad as everyone else. I know my rights but don't enforce them. I break laws that haven't been made yet. I enforce laws that people don't break. I hate people who drive 5 ton SUV's and complain about gas prices. I hate people who drive Hybrids and complain about gas prices. I hate gas prices. I'm a voice activated, obedient, dead soul’d conformist with a triple digit IQ, and a double digit income. I'm not a liar, but I don't always tell the truth. I don't cheat, but I don't do everything correctly. I look for the easy way out of easy situations, and make difficult situations impossible. I think, therefore I am, but I cannot prove that to myself. I'm a schizophrenic melodrama with a side of conceit and a dash of impulsivity. I ran for president, and voted for the other guy. I drive at Domino's for a living while suffering from narcolepsy and sitophobia. Shooting stars wish upon me and I always come true. I sleep with my eyes open, and live with both eyes shut if only to block the ugliness of the dark world. I like when I'm made to sleep on the couch, it's just like camping. When I wake up in the morning the shower sings to me. When I go swimming I don't get wet, the water gets Thomas'd. I'm freezing in the summer, and boiling in the winter, Fall is just right. I bring Santa Clause presents for Christmas and he gives me milk and cookies for the ride home. The Easter Bunny lives in my back yard. Leprechaun’s give me their gold before the rainbow ever gets there... just to keep it safe. I believe in UFOs, zombies, angles, fairies, unicorns, and the Lochness monster. Big Foot is my Uncle, the Yeti is his wife from the north. The top of the earth is actually the bottom... did you know that? Twelve is at the left of all my analog clocks, don't ask me why. I don't fly on planes, I fly in planes. I don't wear pants, I wear a single pant. Same goes with shorts. Sunglasses wear me to make them look cool. I leave hot rooms to cool them down. I'm a natural tripod with the ability to reach heights not yet achieved by man. I gave Eve the apple that she gave to Adam, and I don't feel bad about it, it was Lillian's idea. I'm a synchronized time telling device for the Russian Mafia, the American Mob, the Italian Mob, East and West coast American gangs, Cuban drug lords, and Mexico's illegal immigrants. All street gangs come to me for advice, usually it's "fuck off." I taught myself to learn. I'm a modern day satirical prodigy bent on defying the world's laws of grammatical physics. I'm an audible orgasm, a visible climax, a tastable sexual consummation. I'm a professionally engineered dominating force of nonsensical delusions. I'm a murdering care taker for those in dier need. I'm an educated failure. I don't earn money, money earns me. I work for money, but it does me no good. I prepay my speeding tickets, and always plead temporary insanity. Digital is my middle name. I bleep, bloop, blink, flash, defragment, scan, arrange, play, process, and print. My monitor is the horizon, and my brain is all of cyber space. My friends are my world, but the world is considerably fucked. When the sun rises in the east, I call the west and tell them the good news. I'm like a moth to the flame, I always get burned. I built my house at the short end of the stick. I use naughty words in white rooms. I use loving words to cloak defiance. I wrong rights, climb down, and fall with a twist. I'm a megalomaniac with more patience than tea in China. If life hands me lemons, I gift them off to my friends. I consider E-Bay the modern day black market where one can purchase plastic explosives, bomb detonators, automatic guns, semi-automatic guns, single action guns, shot guns, double barrel shot guns, 9mm rounds, shot gun shells, sniper rifels, night vision goggles, heat seeking RPGs, land mines, land mine detectors, missiles, missile silos, napalm, getaway vehicles, and highly trained professional hit men and/or women capable of using, with great finesse, all of the above mentioned. I'm sugar coated cyanide, I taste great... but I'm dangerous, dangerous enough in fact to warn you now... take a bite and hope for the best. I'm a determined hopeless romantic. I have lion tamers living in my house, I'm the lion, that glove never fit quite right. I have snakes living next door, I'm the mongoose with a huge appetite. I have enemies living blocks away, I'm America's defenses and I've been working out my military muscle. I have more stress than a proud parent's honors student, I'm Atlas' burden with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I don't listen to news about drugs, disease, famine, terrorism, wars, or death. On top of all that though... I care about the good of modern people. I give money to the poor, I donate to a good cause. I cook for the hungry, I shelter the homeless. I help the blind see, I help the deaf hear. I understand a broken heart, I can listen to forgiving words. I'm not invincible, however I don't break. I won't live forever, but I'll never die. While you read this and ponder my meaning, just know that I swear I'm telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me America, where we pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, one nation, under a rock, with some liberties and injustices for almost all. If you've read this far then I've piqued your interest. If you've read this far then you've piqued my interest. You should write me a line to say hello, then I will write back... That's how it works right?If you keep your wretched eye sewn to riches, you will think like those most mundane. You'll come through slowly, alas wish you could know me, but I'd like not to all the same. So now you're lonely, piss drunk and stoney... but I regret not a single thing. Give me some credit love, you gave me two left gloves, please face the other way to sing. Jesus, what do you mean? I cannot believe... You got more chances than I had to give... And now your walking on me, I must be fucking crazy... to think that you could just let me be.I'm driving back home and how, The music is so damn loud, I hate when I miss your call, Will you come over now, I wanna turn off the tube, I love when I make you smile, I'm falling real fuckin hard, Will you just stay a while It's starting to get real hot, We're sweating from head to toe, I'm feeling this girl right now, It's starting to really show, I'm trying to hold my breath, You're trying to hold a scream, I feel your heart through your chest, I'll just show you what I mean, A secret from me to you, Do you wana hear what it is, It's close to what we do, I'll tell you for one more kiss, Lay here with me a while, Look at the ceiling stars, Lock eyes with mine right now, This night will always be ours A kiss for the ride back home, I hate to see you leave, Remember what I said to you, You mean the world to me[LOVEMYFLASH]
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